And the Worst of Nightmares
by clue4211
Summary: "I don't exactly think you're scared of monsters under your bed, Takeru." "No," he smirked, "just teenage girls in bathtubs." AU. Takari.
1. Chapter 1

_I do not own Digimon._

_My Title is from a Shakespeare quote, because I like quote titles. :)_

_A Full-er Summary:_

_Kari goes to work in a wealthy home to pay for online college courses and befriends her boss's son, TK, who is attending University nearby. When her mental health begins to deteriorate, he steps in to help, but it's soon clear that he's fighting some of his own ghosts as well. AU. Takari. Rated T for discuission of depression, suicide, and other depressing topics and maybe some moderate language._

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><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

Kari pulled her hair back as she walked downstairs and tied it quickly into a loose, messy bun. She glanced at the clock in the living room: 10 AM. It was a lot later than she normally got up, but she had been up too long the night before; it was getting harder and harder to sleep. She pushed the thought from her mind and ducked her head as she passed the decorative mirrors in the hall; no need to make things worse. She turned into the kitchen and stiffened at the sound of an unfamiliar voice.

"Yeah, it's just number seven now, then… Yeah, that'll go over well." The voice chuckled. It was a boy, and he was taking pauses between each phrase, talking on the phone.

_Her son._ Kari had forgotten that he was coming today. Something about this job made her lose track of time, but she remembered now; his mother loved to talk about her boys. He would be coming home for weekends the rest of the summer, until his fall semester of college started, but he had stayed over with a friend her first week, so they had yet to meet.

Anxiety began to pool in her chest, and she could feel her breathing becoming rough in her lungs. She wanted to go back upstairs, to avoid him for as long as possible. She closed her eyes. _That's stupid, Kari. He's on the phone; you won't even have to talk to him._ The nervousness eased, but it scared her a little how quickly it had come on this time. _It won't be a big deal, anyway; he's in college. It isn't like he's going to have to do anything with you._

She slipped into the kitchen quietly and checked the note on the fridge for her. The usual cleaning and cooking plus a small reminder at the end: _Takeru should be in sometime this morning, so his bed will need fresh sheets, and you can make the whole pound of pork in the fridge for dinner tonight._ Kari swallowed. She would need to marinate the meat for dinner now, and that meant staying in the kitchen. _Don't be stupid,_ she told herself. _He's still on the phone._ She grabbed the vegetables and ground pork from the fridge and a cutting board from a cabinet and turned around.

"You can't do that, though, if x is…" She glanced briefly over at the boy before getting a knife from another drawer. "I know, but…" His blonde hair hung in his eyes as he held the phone between his shoulder and his chin and studied the thick textbook in front of him. She set a cutting board on the counter, and he glanced up at her. She had seen pictures of him all around the house as she cleaned, and he looked the same: tall, with broad shoulders and strong arms, and handsome, with messy blonde hair that looked good that way. His eyes were more noticeable in person, though, a deep, ocean blue. She tried not to think too hard about it. "I'm sorry; do you need me to move?" he asked. Her eyes darted away from his, and she shook her head quietly.

"'S fine." She began to cut up the cabbage and toss it into a large plastic bag to be marinated with the meat. He returned to his conversation.

"Divide by… that doesn't work, though." The blonde sighed and gripped at the hair at the back of his neck as he studied his paper. His knuckles turned white at whatever his friend's answer was. She glanced over at his book.

"You missed the inverse," she whispered unthinkingly. He looked up at her, and the anxiety she had fought off rushed back.

"What?" Her voice shook a little as she answered.

"Th-That's sine inverse, not sine, s-so the derivative would be one over the square root of-" Why had she said anything at all? Her fingers were trembling again, and her breath came too fast. He scribbled something onto his paper and returned to his conversation on the phone. _Good, he thinks you're an idiot now._

"We missed the inverse, so the derivative, yeah," he repeated into the receiver, and she tried to calm herself down as he punched a few numbers into a calculator. She returned to slicing cabbage, concentrating on the speed of her breathing, which was quickly growing out of control. _Panic attacks don't make good first impressions, stupid._

"How did you know that?" The volume of his voice startled her, and combined with her already fraying nerves, it made her jump a little. The blade in her hand slit into her finger.

"Ow," she breathed. _Idiot, _she thought. _Stupid, stupid, idiot._ Her face flooded with heat.

"Jeez, I'm sorry. Let me get you a band aid." His warm shoulder brushed hers as he walked around her to the bathroom, and she shivered in the air conditioned kitchen. _Stupid, stupid,_ she chanted mentally, rinsing her hand in the sink until he returned. "Here, hold still." He took her wrist in his hand and grabbed a paper towel from the counter to pat it dry. His skin was rough and his grip gentle, warm. She bit her lip as he carefully applied the bandage to her broken skin, and more heat burned her face. _Stop it; you look like a mess today and you're acting like a lunatic. _"What a lousy way to say hello. You're Hikari, right?"

"Yeah, you're Mr. Takai-" He grinned, amused, and his smile lit up his eyes.

"TK," he cut her off. "You work for my mom, not for me." His eyes dropped to where he was still holding her wrist. "I am… really sorry about your hand," he added. She blushed when his grip loosened and his warm fingers brushed over her arm as his hand dropped away. His gaze remained fixed on her face; he was the kind of person who was confident and comfortable enough to hold eye contact with anyone without feeling awkward. She, on the other hand… Her eyes busily studied her bandaged hand.

"It isn't your fault. I just didn't realize you were off the phone."

"Still…" He reached over and tossed the dirty knife into the sink. "Why don't you let me cut vegetables for a little while?" He smiled at her, but she shook her head.

"I can't let you do that. I'm fine, and-" He rolled his eyes at her.

"My mom won't care, if that's what you're worried about." He walked over to cabinet and fished out a fresh cutting knife from the drawer.

"It doesn't matter; I can't let you do my work for me and still-"

"You just saved me about an hour of frustration. I think that it'd be fair to let me feel good about doing something for the nice girl I just met and immediately injured." _You upset him; why can't you say the right thing?_

"I-I'm sorry." He smiled when she felt worry cross her face.

"Don't be so serious, okay? I already cut your hand open; I don't want to make you cry, too." She smiled a little back, but she was uncomfortable with how close he was to the truth.

"I guess we could both work on it."

"Deal." He grinned, and when they both had a pile of vegetables in front of them, he repeated his question. "How did you know what to do?"

"I, um, took an AP course last year." She shifted uncomfortably and bit her lip when he looked over at her.

"Pardon my presumptuousness here, but what exactly are you doing in my kitchen, then? Shouldn't you be getting ready for college?"

"I-It's just a money thing. I'm taking a few online courses in my time off."

"That's got to take forever, though, getting your degree that way." She shrugged, trying not to highlight the differences between them. _He'll think you're whiny._

"It's better than nothing. You're in school early, though. Do you have a major?"

"Yeah, Journalism. These go in here?" He gestured to the plastic bag, and she nodded. He moved on to green onions.

"You write, then?" He smiled with the corner of his mouth, making him squint a little and bringing attention to his blue eyes again.

"Allegedly."

"Just straight facts? Or do you do creative writing, too?"

"Both, I guess, but just the facts in public or for my teachers. What major do you have in mind, though?"

"Elementary and Special Education." He made a noise like he was in pain, and she looked over at him. "What?" she asked defensively.

"That's like majoring in do-good-ery. People like you make the rest of us look bad." Her throat felt like it was swelling up.

"I-I don't think that way. Not everybody could be…"

"I know, I just…" He drifted off and smiled over at her again, shaking his head. She tried not to think about it too hard. _He's friendly; he probably smiles at everyone, Kari. You're not anything special. _"It's a great thing to want to do, but it's got to be difficult to take in online classes. Don't you need internships and stuff?" She nodded.

"Yeah, I'm saving for that."

"Now I really feel bad." She looked down at the green onions and then back at him.

"Don't. At all. It's not a big deal, and your mom has been wonderful about working around my class schedule and everything." She felt nervous again. She wished that she hadn't mentioned money at all. He seemed to sense that she was uncomfortable and changed the subject.

"Do you live around here?" She shook her head.

"Not really. Like two hours away?" she answered, dumping the rest of the cabbage into the bag and walking over to the cabinet to find spices.

"Do you have friends around here, though?" She shook her head, and he frowned a little at her. "You don't think you'll get lonely, all by yourself with my mom?" She shrugged and felt heat rush up neck when his eyes remained on her.

"I'm not a very social person, anyway, and I'll have a lot of work to do, so…" She drifted off as she measured out ginger and soy sauce.

"Well, you're welcome to hang out with my friends and me whenever," he paused then added, almost tentatively, " what are you doing today?" She could feel herself biting her lip again.

"Just dinner and house stuff, getting your room ready."

"W-Would you maybe want to skip my room and watch a movie with me in the living room over dinner?" For some reason, his eyes didn't meet hers when he said this. "I mean, you can skip my room either way; despite whatever my mother may have told you, I'm not completely helpless." He smiled over at her now, a little too brightly, like he was trying to cover nervousness. _Don't be stupid, Kari._ She smiled back.

"Y-Yeah, if you're sure you want me to." She stammered nervously and hoped he didn't notice, but he just grinned. _Idiot, idiot, idiot._

"Over dinner, then?"

"Y-Yeah, sure." She could still feel her voice shaking as she mixed the pork in with the vegetables. He set his knife down and took a few steps backwards, towards the door.

"Cool. I've got to go run some errands, but I'll see you later. Do you need anything?" She shook her head, and he smiled at her one more time before turning away and disappearing down the hall.

Like a spring had been stretched tight over the course of their conversation, all of her anxiety snapped back on her when he was gone. Every awkward pause and stammered word was thrown back on her. _Stupid, clumsy…_ There were tears in her eyes already, blurring her vision. She swallowed hard and blinked rapidly, fighting the burning in her eyes. There was a heaviness in her chest, a weight. She set her hand on the corner of the counter and leaned into it until it hurt, closing her eyes at the feeling. The memory of his smile made it worse, his friendliness made everything more painful. Like she wouldn't have felt guilty enough, he had to be nice. _He shouldn't have to waste time talking to you. _The pain in her palm worsened, and she bit her lip. _Stop, you don't have time to cry._

"Hey, would you like some coffee?" TK asked, ducking his head back into the room. "I'll probably stop on the way home." Her eyes snapped open, and she nodded faintly, smiling at him again and settling nervously back onto her heels to relieve the pressure on her hand.

"Y-Yeah, that sounds good, thank you," she answered, her voice hardly wavering.

"No problem... Are you okay?" He furrowed his eyes at her, the blue darkening a bit. _Stupid._ She tried to appear confident this time, putting a little more effort into the painful smile. Her words were still a little breathy.

"Yeah. I'm fine."

"Your hand isn't hurting, is it?" Her heart skipped a beat, and terror rushed into her veins as she moved her palm from the counter's edge. _How could he know…? He doesn't, stupid. He means your cut._ She blinked at him for a second and then glanced down at her bandaged finger. The faint burning under her band aid was the last thing on her mind. _But…_ He hadn't believed her right away. Everyone believed her. She answered sincerely this time, her voice unusually steady.

"No. No, it's fine. It was just a scratch; don't worry about it."

"Okay, let me know if it keeps hurting, all right?" She nodded weakly, and his grin was back. "I'll see you tonight, Hikari!"

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><p><em>I think that the main narration will all be from Kari's POV, but there will also be mostly very short TK chapters interspersed. Because I think that attempting to follow Japanese traditions, etc. will just show how little I really know about them, I'll be using American holidays and school breaks, and I haven't really specified any locations. I hope nobody hates me for that, but I really think it's for the best that I don't spend all my efforts focused on those things.<em>

_Thank you so much for reading, and I'm grateful to hear anyone's thoughts! If I'm ever really factually inaccurate or make glaring grammar errors, feel free to let me know so that I can correct it! _


	2. A Dream

**A Dream**

_His hand found her door knob and he twisted it hurriedly, rushed into her room for the thousandth time. He found it strange that he could never stop, could never even close his eyes. No matter when or how consciously he realized that it was a dream, he went through all the motions, practiced now after so much repetition, but still performed with the same horrible emotions as that first day. His heart pounded in his chest; he called her name nervously; his hand shook as he reached for the edge of the bathroom door._

_ The smell hit his nostrils, the one that still made nausea roll in his stomach. He hadn't even noticed smells in his dreams until these ones started. The sound hit his ears, the one that still haunted him now, just a soft dripping of the sink. Plink. Plink. Plink. The sight hit his eyes, the one that still came to him over and over when tried to sleep._

_ Panic set in._

He woke up there tonight, but it didn't matter. He could never stop the dream; the rest played through his mind when he awoke, with or without his consent. He clenched his fists as it did, willing it to be over faster, but there was no rushing the memory.

He sat up and closed his eyes, waiting for it all to pass again. He took slow, measured breaths in his nose and out his mouth, regulating the frantic gasps of air his racing heart wanted him to take. It did pass, eventually; it always did, and he lay back against his pillows again. Water ran in the sink across the hall, and he glanced over, anxious again for a moment, but it was just Hikari, her small silhouette dark from the fluorescents behind her. _Why are you awake, Kari?_he thought, furrowing his brow, but his eyelids were too heavy, and the next time he blinked, he was asleep.

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><p><em>I know, this is really really really short, but there will be more regular chapters than dreams, I promise. Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed!<em>


	3. Chapter 2

_This is the best I've ever done for updating speed, though admittedly this is really only the 2nd chapter, so I probably shouldn't be bragging ;) I hope you guys enjoy reading it!_

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><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

"So what kinds of books?" Kari looked down at the coffee table in front of them while she thought about the question.

"Um, I don't know, a little bit of everything, I guess?" They were watching the first episode of a new detective show over an early lunch, and TK had taken the commercial breaks to quiz her about her interests. He took a bite of his soup as she spoke. "Classics and Young Adult Fiction and Horrible Sci-Fi Paperbacks." She blushed a little, smiling slightly, and folded her legs under her to avoid his eyes for a bit longer.

"Oh, I'm a big fan of Horrible Sci-Fi Paperbacks," he smiled at her, and his blue tee shirt made his eyes even brighter than was normal. His hand ran loosely through his hair, but it fell right back into his eyes. He had fallen asleep on the couch the night before after writing a paper for school, and he still had a fair amount of bed head, but he looked good that way; he looked good pretty much no matter what. "Just don't tell my professors. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love some good Charles Dickens and Edgar Allen Poe, but my brain needs a palate cleanser or something." She smiled back at him, trying not to contemplate about how nice his messy blonde hair looked (_You have no business thinking like that, _she told herself, _as if he would ever-_), and then the program started again.

It had been three weeks since they had first met in the kitchen, since he had first invited her to the movie over dinner, and he had done the same thing every weekend since: a TV show in the living room, a cup of coffee he grabbed for her on the way home, or a ride to the library. Little things, all of them, but still, it was nice. The mess in her head didn't seem to be able to handle nice.

She was crying more than ever, nearly every second she was alone, and she could hardly eat if someone wasn't there watching her; her stomach turned at the thought of food. The panic attacks had grown more frequent, too; she couldn't shut her mind off to sleep for hours after she had lain down. She blinked rapidly at the tears that formed in her eyes as she thought about it and tried to focus her attention back on the TV. _Don't throw pity parties, Kari. You're fine._

"What have you been reading lately?" TK asked her when the episode ended. She bit her lip and shifted under the unwavering gaze of his blue eyes.

"Mm, not much, really. Some classics for school."

"Why's that?" She shrugged uncomfortably. She hadn't been doing much of anything lately; she was too tired.

"I don't know, just too busy, I guess." _Too busy crying. Don't think about it, you know that makes it worse. _The constant back and forth of her thoughts drained her even further. He frowned a little at her, but his voice was friendly again in an instant.

"Do you play any sports or anything?" he asked as he dipped some bread into the remnants of his soup. She shook her head.

"I used to play volleyball and swim at the gym back home, but nothing organized." His eyes lit up a little bit.

"Have you used our pool at all?" She furrowed her brow.

"I didn't know you…"

"It's out back a ways. My mom has some guy come to do outdoor stuff, so you wouldn't have seen it if you didn't know about it. Come on," he added, and his hand took her wrist to pull her to her feet. Warm. She blushed a little as he released his hold then scolded herself. _He isn't interested in you. Get over yourself._ Still, a soft pang echoed in her chest with the thought. He was too nice. "There're some good reading spots back there, too." She followed him through the kitchen and out the back door, down a stone pathway leading towards a group of trees.

It was one of those gorgeous, ridiculous pools with a waterfall and a hot tub and an overhanging porch for parties. She stopped for a second, but he grabbed her wrist again and pulled her onto the smooth, wooden deck. There was a large, red grill and a conglomeration of serving tables at one end and generous seating surrounding a fire pit at the other, all of it roofed over and facing the pool.

"It's beautiful," she commented, but TK just shrugged.

"I think the grill is a little meretricious, really, considering my mom can't even work it, but it was my dad's, and like I said, it's good to read out here." She opened her mouth to ask about his father, but it seemed rude, and she remained silent. He tugged on her wrist, pulling her into one of the soft, outdoor chairs beside him before letting go. "The pool isn't exactly made for laps, but I think it's long enough."

"Y-Yeah, it'd be nice." She didn't understand why the sadness hit so hard sometimes, in the middle of nothing, it seemed, but there it was, shaking her voice. She swallowed the feeling as best she could. "You guys really don't mind if I-" He shook his head and smiled. She blinked her eyes rapidly and tried not to cry.

"Not at all. With Matt and me both away now, it'd be good for someone to get some use out of it."

"Is your brother in college, then, too?"

"No, he graduated a few months ago, actually. He just started an internship with some big restaurant, and he's doing some music directing on the side, like local musicals and stuff."

"Sounds busy."

"Oh, insanely," TK agreed, "but he was always like that, working on music projects through the night. I don't think he ever actually sleeps. Do you have siblings?" She nodded.

"A-An older brother, Tai. He just graduated, too, but he's going for his Master's since his soccer scholarships will transfer to graduate school." A cellphone rang, and TK sighed with what seemed to be genuine disappointment at the interruption as he picked it up.

"Hello?" His forehead creased as he listened to whomever was on the other line, like it gave him a headache. She used the distraction to wipe a few tears from the corner of her eye with the side of her hand. _ Stop, you have no reason to cry._ "Davis? Slow down... Well, I'm kind of in the middle of a conversation with Kari... Yes, that Kari. I don't know any other- Well, I'm not just going to leave her here…" Kari blinked at the mention of her name.

"TK, don't worry about me, okay?" He ignored her.

"Well, do you have an extra ticket? I can ask her." TK's blue eye's met hers again. "Would you mind going to see- What show was it, Davis? –a charity benefit _The Secret Garden_? My friend Davis has tickets for tonight." There was that touch of nervousness in his voice again. Davis said something on the other end of the line, and just a little red showed in his face. "She is, actually, very," TK replied matter-of-factly, his eyes on hers again. She felt the confusion show on her face, but just he smiled.

"Um, sure, if you want me to. I mean, if you want to be with just your friends, I have other stuff I can do here. It's really okay." TK smiled the squinty-eyed smile.

"That's a yes, he said. Then, as an afterthought, "oh, Davis, is it a formal thing? Kari, you don't have dress clothes with you, right?" She blushed embarrassedly and shook her head. _You're causing trouble. He didn't really want you to say yes. He was just being polite._

"Th-They're all at home. It really is fine if…"

"What time is this thing, exactly? Well, Yolei's coming, right? Just tell her to bring a dress... I think so. I mean, she's smaller, and Yolei might be a little taller, too, but not a lot. She has younger sisters." TK turned to her again. "What size dress- it isn't rude to ask if she's tiny!" TK rolled his eyes at the voice on the other end of the phone, and Kari's cheeks burned with heat. She turned her eyes down to her thin wrists. "Fine." He began again, over-politely. "Miss Kamiya, would you mind me asking what size dress and shoes you would need?" She bit her lip.

"Um, like a zero or a two and an eight. Really, Takeru, if this is too complicated, it's okay." Something shifted in his blue eyes.

"Do you not want to go?" He sounded a little disappointed, and she felt terrible. _You're upsetting him._ The tears were back in her eyes.

"N-No, I just don't want to cause a fuss over nothing." He shook his head and looked at her strangely.

"It's fine. Okay, Davis, like five o' clock, and we'll get dinner first? Bye." He hung up. She opened her mouth to apologize for the inconvenience again, but his eyes met hers with an odd intensity, emotions she didn't understand. "You aren't nothing." She blinked and then looked away, the heat in her face again.

"TK, I didn't mean," she began, but tears burned her eyes at his concern. _Stop. Stop._

"You aren't nothing," he repeated, "okay?" His voice was low and serious, a stark contrast to his goofy spontaneity on the phone with his friend. His eyes were darker, too, more intense. She swallowed and nodded weakly, but his eyes brightened immediately. "Good... I'm sorry," he added after a pause, smiling, friendly again, "that must have seemed weird. It's just a bit of a pet peeve, I guess."

"No. No, i-it's fine." Her voice still trembled as she remembered the shift in his eyes, though. _Why can he tell?_ _He can't; he's just over-polite. Just stop being so obvious; he has enough to do._

"And you're really okay with coming?" She forced a smile onto her lips as she answered.

"Yeah, of course." He smiled back, like he was really happy, and she found that she was very nearly happy herself, for the moment, that the smile on her face felt for once more like a smile and less like a strain.

"Okay… Well, I am going to go take a shower because I've begun to realize that my hair must look ridiculous right now and you've probably been secretly laughing me all this time." She giggled.

"It's not that bad, but maybe for going out," he tried to run his hands through the blonde mop to straighten it, but only succeeded in making a few pieces stick up at unlikely angles from the rest of his hair. She laughed again. "Yeah, it might be a good idea."

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><p><em>I know the dream was confusing last time, but I don't want to give anything away, so you'll just have to trust me that it should make sense eventually. This chapter was a little fluffy, but I don't want to jump right into the serious stuff. 'kay, back to my English homework! ;D<em>


	4. Chapter 3

_I had to edit this kind of quickly to get it up this weekend, so I hope it's okay. Thanks to everybody who's been reviewing! I know it takes a little while for this story to get going._

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><p><strong>Chapter 3<strong>

_You're just bringing him hot chocolate. That's all._

Kari stood outside his room, leaning against the wall, listening as TK's breathing grew rougher in his sleep. Her room was just across the hall and down a door, next to the bathroom. A whimper tore from his lips, and she winced. She hated the sound of it, the sound of pain escaping the usually cheerful boy's throat. She wondered if she should wake him up, if that would help, but it had taken her enough time to gather up the courage to do this much. A final, sharp gasp came from his room before she heard the mattress shift as he sat up and his breathing change again. He was awake. She forced a deep breath in and out of her lungs before slipping silently into his room.

He didn't see her right away, but she still stepped forward and set the mug of hot chocolate in her hands on his bedside table timidly before her nerves could take over completely. The ceramic clinked slightly as it met the wooden surface. The boy ran a hand through his messy blonde hair, and it was just possible to make out a weak smile on his lips in the dark room when she stepped away. He took a deep breath through his nose before he looked up at her, his eyes faintly pink.

"You must think I'm some man," he smiled his big smile, but his pink eyes made it look painful, not happy. "What nineteen year old guy still cries at nightmares?" A tear rolled down his face as if to accent his joke. Her heart raced with her nervousness, and her chest started to hurt. _No. No, calm down; this isn't about you._

"I-I don't think that," she protested, and a smile pulled at the corner of his mouth again.

"I'm sure you don't," he answered, eyes softening, and he wasn't in the least sarcastic. "But it's still kinda pathetic." She frowned at him, and anxiety shifted to self-loathing. _You're making him feel bad._

"I-I don't exactly think you're scared of monsters under your bed, Takeru."

"No," he smirked, "just…" He muttered the end of his sentence so that she couldn't make it out.

"What?" She'd heard him talk in his sleep sometimes, and what he said was upsetting, but generic: nos and don'ts and mostly just irregular breathing.

"Nothing." He shook his head. "Thank you, by the way, for the hot chocolate," he added brightly, changing the subject. He reached over and took a sip of the steaming liquid, and she handed him the box of tissues from his shelf. "Thanks," he said again, wiping his face swiftly, detachedly before crumpling the tissue into a ball and shooting it basketball-style into his trashcan across the room. She smiled at his careful, free-throw form; she knew from the trophies around the house that he was actually very good at the game. "You must've heard me for a couple of nights. I'm really, really sorry if I've been waking you up. I'll try to close my door; the sound travels up here." _Sorry for having nightmares? _Kari blinked and shook her head quickly.

"No. No, you haven't. I haven't been sleeping well, is all." His eyes locked with hers immediately, and they cleared, as if he was putting his pain on hold, just like that. She blushed at the look.

"Why's that?" She shrugged, and the heat in her face spread. _Too busy being a whiny crybaby._

"Um, I just can't get my mind to… shut off, I guess? I'm tired all day, but I can't sleep at night. It isn't that big of a deal," she added, trying to shake his too-intense stare.

"D'you have a lot on your mind?" he asked, and she studied his dark green covers uncomfortably to avoid his searching eyes. "I'm sorry, do you want to sit down?" he added after following her gaze. She blushed again and shook her head. Emotion clogged her throat, and she wished that she had stayed in the hall. Today had been a long day, and she couldn't handle acting for him right now.

"N-No, I'm fine. I'm sorry…" But she had triggered TK's super-polite side again. _That isn't fair; you're not worth all that trouble._

"Here," he said, shifting back to leave space on his mattress, "you're tired." She obeyed tentatively and sat cross-legged on the far corner of his bed. Her eyes met his for a second before her insecurity made her turn to study the pattern of her pajama shorts. _You're wearing your pajamas, and you've been in bed for three hours; you look disgusting; that's probably all he can think about. _The thought was loud enough that her fingers shook a little in her lap. She should have just gone back to bed. "Have you been using the pool at all?" His voice snapped her back to reality, and the amount of care in his tone made her throat tighten. _He's polite,_ she told herself for the thousandth time. _He knows how to sound concerned._ "I mean, swimming always wipes me out." She shook her head and hurriedly found an excuse.

"I haven't had a chance to ask anyone to send my bathing suit, so…" She felt so tired, all of a sudden, her eyes aching from unshed tears. _Why did you sit down? You're only bothering him._

"Yolei probably has an extra; I could call her and ask," he offered quickly.

"N-No, I don't want to bother anyone. I'll be fine." Her vision blurred, and heat rushed into her face as she tried to hold back the sadness building in her chest.

"You wouldn't be bothering…" he drifted off and paused for a moment. "You're sure you're all right?" he asked, his eyes serious.

"Y-Yeah," she lied automatically, not meeting his eyes.

"You don't sound sure." Her eyes flickered up to him, to the little line that had formed between his eyebrows, and then away again, and she bit her lip. _How hard is it to lie, Hikari? How hard is it to hide this? You do it for everyone else. _Of course she did. So what about him made it so hard to hold herself together? "What're you thinking about?" She forced a weak smile onto her face and shook her head again.

"I-It's just stress, TK: school stuff and work. Don't worry about me." _Please stop worrying._

"If you need to talk about it…" She cut him off before he could be too nice again.

"I'll be all right," she answered quickly, but with his eyes on her the way they were it wasn't as strong of an answer as she'd wanted it to be. _Time to leave. _She started to move off his bed.

"Are you going back to bed?" She blushed at the genuine interest in his voice.

"I-I was going to clean the downstairs bathroom, actually, since I can't sleep." His eyes dimmed strangely for a moment before he answered.

"Would you maybe want to stay here and watch some TV instead? I mean, do you think that that would help at all? I can put on the next episode of that show we were watching." Television did help distract her, sometimes. She gave another weak smile to cover the tears in her eyes.

"Y-Yeah, that sounds good, actually." He smiled back his crooked smile and moved over, making space for her beside him, and once again she had that feeling of almost really meaning the smile on her face. TK took the remote from his bedside table.

"Here," he handed her a pillow and an extra blanket, and she blushed when his arm touched hers as she lay down beside him. _Stop it. He couldn't care less about you. _He flicked the television on absentmindedly, and she felt tears burn the corners of her eyes; people didn't notice the crying if the television was on, but he hit mute immediately and turned to face her directly. "I meant what I said, Kar." His eyes met hers seriously, too intensely. "If you ever need to talk, about anything…" She blinked rapidly.

"Kar," she repeated softly, and that made her want to cry, too.

"Kari," he corrected himself apologetically, a little embarrassment in his blue eyes, but she shook her head.

"No, it's just… that's what my brother calls me." His eyes searched hers, and she could see the soft light of the television shifting in the brilliant azure.

"Does that mean it's okay, or…?" She blushed again, realizing how stupid she must have sounded.

"Yeah, of course it's fine, TK." She turned back to the muted television, but he looked at her worriedly when she was quiet.

"Kar, please, seriously, if you need to talk…" The way he said "please" could have killed her, but she forced herself to smile widely enough to fool him. _People don't talk to me like that. He's just being nice._

"Yeah, you too," she replied, "but I-I'm okay. And you shouldn't be worrying about me at all," she added quickly, trying to let him know that it was okay to drop the politeness. _Please, Takeru, stop. _He brushed the comment off, though.

"Yeah, I have this bad habit of worrying about all the people I like," he smiled when she blushed again. "Especially the cute, eighteen-year-old girl people."

She didn't know why that comment upset her so much. Granted, the thoughts in her head had a field day with "cute." _So he means other girls, then. Stop being so obvious; you're just guilting him into lying for you. There is nothing cute about your ugly, clumsy…_ Needless to say, the tears came. She tilted her face forward slightly and locked her eyes on the television, the way she'd learned to do, letting hair fall around her peripheral vision and the water in her eyes become masked by the screen's gentle glow. She bit her lip, imprisoning the cries that wanted to break from her throat, and she tried to pay attention to whatever was on the screen at the other end of the room. And then something warm touched her cheek, wiping away the couple of tears she hadn't been able to hold back.

"TK." She began formulating excuses, but he shook his head.

"Don't, okay? It isn't something I said, is it?" he asked apprehensively, and she thought, _yes, Takeru. You're much too nice. Just be meaner; just be a little less wonderful ; it will make my life much easier, _but she shook her head immediately.

"I-I just wanted to make sure you were all right. I'm sorry, i-it was just kind of a bad day, and I didn't mean to make you fuss over me at one in the morning. It was stupid," she stammered a little here and there, and he answered a little too gently.

"Not at all." He leaned forward enough that his eyes could meet hers, and his warm hand wiped away the rest of the moisture on her face. The contact made her fingers start to shake again. _Stop. Stop, calm down. _"It's nice to have company," he added, smiling a little. His eyes were so bright, even now, so cheerful despite his obvious worry. "I'll be right here if you change your mind about talking," he told her, and when he leaned back into his bed, his hand found and covered hers, warm palm against her cool fingers.

It was nothing, really, she knew, just a friendly gesture, but her heart fluttered strangely at the touch, overwhelmed by the little hint of closeness. She recognized for the first time just how empty she was for that after the past few months._ Don't get used to it. You don't deserve it._ The thoughts overran her mind in a second, flooding her eyes with new tears. She swallowed hard to keep back the sob in her throat.

_You were just supposed to be bringing him hot chocolate, selfish girl._

It was okay, though, she resolved. She could fix it. She could stop herself from crying in front of him, even if that meant avoiding him altogether.

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><p><em>Until next time! :)<em>


	5. Chapter 4

_Thanks so much to the people who have been reviewing! It means a lot to hear from you guys! :) Enjoy Chapter 4:_

**Chapter 4**

Kari's hands shook as she cleared off the TK's bedroom shelves and wiped them clean of dust. _Hurry, you have other things to do. _She coughed as the dust caught in her throat, and her head spun horribly. She closed her eyes and gripped the edge of his dresser until the headache in her temple eased. Her body felt warm, much too warm. She took a slow breath in and out her nose, but it was too late.

The tears that had been burning her eyes for the last few minutes finally began to roll down her face in a devastating rush of emotion. She choked on the tears, but opened her eyes again, cleaning the furniture with shaking hands and blurring vision, trying to fight the feelings off. A sob escaped her throat, and she held her breath for a few seconds but only succeeded in sending herself into another round of coughing. She sank to the ground, then, and gave in, drawing her knees to her chest and pressing her face into her arms as she sobbed. She felt the despair settling over her heart.

"Kari, is that you?" _He's home early. Stupid, stupid, he can't find you like _this. Her pulse raced as she attempted to formulate a plan, but TK's voice was too close and too worried; there was no time to hide the tears. For a second she tried anyway, wiping her face quickly with the back of her hand, but she could feel the thuds on the carpet as he approached her, and she knew that he could see what she was doing, that even if he couldn't, he would see the red in her eyes. "Hikari, are you crying?" The worry in his voice was so strong it hurt. She held her breath again, intensifying the trembling in her fingers, but his fingers touched her arm, and she had to breathe. She shook her head no. "Hey, what's the matter?" he asked gently, in the kind of voice that was usually reserved for little kids with skinned knees, and settled on the floor in front of her.

"N-Nothing, TK. I-I'm j-just being stupid." He frowned at her, and she looked away, locked her eyes on a piece of the wall near his door. "I-I'm f-fine, a-all r-right?" She squeezed her eyes shut to stop the tears and lowered her head into her bare arms again when it didn't work. Hot tears fell onto her skin.

"Are you hurt? Did something happen?"

"N-No, I-I'm f-fine, really," she told her denim-covered knees.

"Kar… Kari, look at me. Look at me," he repeated, laying a hand on top of hers. His hand was much bigger than hers, and stronger. _Don't think about that, _she told herself, but she still couldn't help but obey the owner of the strong, sure hand. Slowly, she turned her face up to his, tried her best to match his gaze, but the concern that darkened in his usually bright blue eyes was too much. He was much too serious, like he already knew. She choked back another sob and immediately retreated to her knees again. "What's wrong?"

"I-I d-don't know," she admitted weakly through her tears when she could speak again, shaking her head. The despair in her chest crept over her again.

"Did something happen?" She shook her head.

"No. N-No, I'm just b-being stupid."

"Does this have something to do with why you've been avoiding me for the past two weeks?" He sounded almost hurt, and she flinched. She had tried so hard, yet here he was, seeing straight through her again. "You can tell me, Kari, if something's wrong. Really. I want you to." The worry in his voice was terrible; it tore at the tone of his voice, made him sound like someone else. She squeezed her eyes shut at the pain in her chest.

"I-I don't know," she sobbed. "I-I j-just-"

"Is it a lot of stuff together, do you think?" he suggested, and she nodded hesitantly. That was true enough, and maybe it would make him happy to just fix something stupid; maybe he would relax and leave her alone again. "Okay, why don't we take care of one thing at a time, then, all right? Start with the small things." The speech came quickly and a little too calmly for the uneasiness in his tone, almost like it was practiced. "You were coughing before; are you sick?" She shrugged silently as the tears clogged her throat. His free hand cupped her forehead gently, then the side of her neck. She blushed at the touches, his rough fingers on her too hot skin, and the extra heat made her feel sick. _Don't be stupid; you look disgusting. _"You have a fever, Kari, and you're white as a sheet." _Disgusting. _ She choked on a sob. "How long have you felt like this?" His voice had that nervous edge to it again, and it sent a pang through her chest. She shrugged again.

"A couple d-days, I guess," she whispered. The worry in his eyes deepened, and she looked away from him.

"Why don't you try and lie down for a few minutes, okay?"

"I-I have w-work to do, Takeru." The tears were worse again.

"You're in no condition to work, Hikari," he told her firmly. "You need to lie down. It'll make you feel better, I promise." _I wish you could, Takeru._ The sadness came hard and strong.A sob broke from her lips, and when he reached for her this time, she didn't fight his hug. Hot tears followed the sob, and she let him press her tightly into his chest without argument. There was a piece of her that liked it, the closeness, his figuring her out every time, but she knew that that was selfish. _You don't deserve those things. _"Hey, hey, sh… It's okay." Warm breath tickled the side of her face as he spoke, but his nearness only made the pain in her chest worsen, the tears come harder. His strong arms wrapped around her whole body, lifted her gently from ground, and carried her the few feet to his bed. She closed her eyes at the sureness in his hold. "Here," he murmured, setting her down, kneeling beside the bed, and pulling a blanket over her shoulders, "just close your eyes, okay? Try to relax." His hand stroked the hair and the tears from her face as she cried, and guilt burned her chest. _He's really worried now. That isn't fair. He shouldn't have to deal with this; he doesn't want to. _"Sh, sh… 'S okay, Kar."

"I-I'm sorry. I-I have t-to- I'll get germs o-on y-your-" She tried to sit up, but he shook his head and moved his hand to her shoulder, pressing her back into the mattress without difficulty.

"No, it's fine; it's warmer in here than in your room. This side of the house gets more sun, and you're shivering," he murmured, and she realized that she was, in horrible, violent shudders. _Stupid. _She gave up fighting, letting her muscles relax defeatedly beneath his covers and returning to her sobs. He rubbed her arm gently again, and his warm hand felt painful on her feverish, too-sensitive skin. "I'll sleep in the guest room tonight. It's no big deal."

"Y-You w-weren't supposed t-to be home," she cried pitifully into his mattress. Self-hatred joined the sadness; _you sound like an idiot, Hikari. Whiny, worthless…_ The words rushed through her mind as she cried. She tried to apologize. "Y-You… I-I'm s-so sorry. I-I don't l-let people see m-me wh-when it gets l-like this; I-I-" She felt her mistake as she said it, and her words dissolved into sobs again. _Just shut up. You make everything worse._

"When what gets like this?" he asked quietly. She wanted to tell him to stop sounding like that, so careful and serious, like he knew exactly what was going on. It was like the day they'd gone to the play, when he'd gotten off the phone with Davis and suddenly turned into the example from a guidance counselor's pamphlet. Not that that was bad, just… nice. She didn't want him to be this nice. _Why can't you just not notice, like everyone else? Why do you have to do this to yourself? _ His hand slowed on her arm while his thumb traced the curve of her bicep back and forth almost tenderly. The closeness was as painful as the touch, more so, maybe, the part of her that wanted it weak with the relief of comfort and the part of her that seemed more realistic torturing her with guilt. She tried to think something up, any lie that he might believe. "Kari…"

"N-Nothing, TK. N-Neverm-mind," she managed breathily.

"Does this happen a lot?"

"T-TK," she whispered through her tears.

"Y-You get sad like this? A lot?" Fresh hurt ripped at his voice, and another sob tore from her throat. His hand tightened on her shoulder for a second and he leaned forwards to meet her eyes. "Kari, this is really, really important. You get sad like this, a lot, for no reason? You cry like this on your own?" His body looming over hers made her feel trapped, and something in his intensity made her answer truthfully. She nodded weakly into his mattress. A beat passed before he continued, and she could hear him swallow, hard. _Probably annoyed._ "And do you ever talk to anyone about it?" Her throat was paralyzed; she shook her head. "And does it ever get so bad that you-"

"I-I'm just t-tired, TK, okay? I-I'll be-" She broke from her paralysis long enough to try to sit up again, but his hand gripped her arm, holding her where she was and cornering her under his gaze. His hold was tight enough that it hurt a little bit, though she knew he hadn't meant it to. She squeezed her eyes shut at the look he gave her, the pain that shone in his eyes. _Stop. Stop, he doesn't really care. He can't._

"Does it ever get so bad that you want to hurt yourself?" he whispered, his worry edging on fear for the second time during their conversation. She stiffened involuntarily, and she knew he felt it. How did he see through her? Any words she had wanted to speak were once again dissolved in her tears. She closed her eyes, hating herself. "A-And do you ever think about sui-?" His voice shook a little this time, and for a second he didn't sound like the perfect, handsome, confident college student with a basketball scholarship. He sounded like a blue-eyed boy who kept waking up with nightmares. The pain in her chest hit something too deep.

"TK, I-I'm fine!" she sobbed. "I-I need t-to make sure y-your room is ready." She pushed against his grip, but it in no way slackened.

"I told you not to worry about my room the first day we met," he answered her quietly, almost weakly, and then his hand did loosen on her arm. He swallowed hard again, like he was really upset, and she wanted to tell him it was okay, he didn't have to pretend to care about her, but she couldn't think straight. Nothing felt real; she just twisted onto her back, covered her eyes with her arm, and kept crying. A second later he began quietly tucking covers around her, surrounding her by more blankets and pillows than she could count. She whimpered weakly, and his rough, warm hand found trembling fingers.

"I'm s-so sorry, TK. Y-You were supposed t-to know." She squeezed her eyes shut, but his fingers slipped between hers and pulled her arm from her eyes, and he began to rub the back of her hand with his thumb.

"I-I don't want you to be sorry." His voice still shook a little bit. Hot tears broke from her eyes again as she shook her head. "I want to know, Kar." The care he put in her name every time made her want to disappear under the covers he had tucked around her body, and the nickname itself... She could feel his eyes on hers all the time, even when she was looking at the bedspread. She stammered out a protest, words barely intelligible with tears.

"I-I d-don't want… People f-feel ba-ad, when they find out, a-and th-they blame themselves for things th-that… I-I'm selfish enough, Takeru. I can't d-do that to people. Y-You can j-just f-forget… I-It's mean of me t-to- a-and I-I'm used to it, a-anyway."

"No one should be used to this, Hikari," he told her, voice suddenly a little louder, a low rumble of anger below his words, and his eyes fixed on hers with that strange intensity he had. She choked on tears, but his hand tightened on hers again, keeping her attention as his blue eyes pierced her. "And you aren't selfish. It isn't selfless to torture yourself by suffering through this thing alone." He sounded almost furious at the thought, and she started to shake her head again, to cover her face with her fingers. "No, listen to me, all right?" TK took her hand from her face with his free hand and slipped his fingers between hers as she looked up at him again, so that he held both her hands in his. His face blurred with her tears, and his voice softened. "I, I can't completely understand, and I know that, but I do know that it's hard to talk about. I had a really good friend go through this. I know how badly it can hurt, and I-I know how badly it can hurt to watch other people hurt for you. I'm going to go through this as quickly and painlessly as possible, and then you can get some rest."

"What 'this' Takeru?" she asked stubbornly, but it came out too weakly to be anything more than pitiful.

"Y-You don't think this is depression, Kar?" She winced at the word and the waver in his voice and didn't answer him. "Y-You said you get sad and… I mean do you really not think-?" She shook her head rapidly. She didn't want to talk about this; she didn't even want to think about this.

"TK, I-I d-don't want you to have to deal with this, too, o-okay? I-I don't w-want you t-to go through that a-again. I-I'll b-be all right."

"By yourself?" he answered cynically and a little heatedly again, his eyes pained. "You can't do that to yourself."

"Y-Yes, I c-can. I-I di-id it before!" she broke, wishing he would just give up, go back to smiling his crooked smile at her on the weekends and being oblivious to any of this, but he blinked at her, astonished.

"Th-This isn't the first time…" She stared up at the ceiling to avoid the look on his face.

"The f-first six months of my sophomore year of high school, I didn't tell anyone, and it got better. It went away; i-it'll do it again," she sobbed weakly. It had to go away, any day now. She just needed to wait. She closed her eyes, and tears fell down her face. The headache in her temple was terrible, and it worsened as his voice rose a little.

"You know what this is, and you still think… Kari, you can't put that on yourself! The people who care about you w-wouldn't want," he stopped and swallowed when she winced at the anger in his tone, and his hand touched the side of her face with an unexpected tenderness. She opened her eyes to find him leaning over her. "I-I don't want you to do that to yourself. I don't want you to have to be that strong, you understand? You're an eighteen year old girl, Kari, y-you should be allowed to act like one." His voice broke a little, and tears burned her eyes. _Just give up, Takeru. Please._

"I'm d-doing it to you, though, Takeru. I-I'm hurting you." Her voice was too weak, though. What he'd said had sounded too good. The look in his clear blue eyes was too sincere. The part of her that wanted his hugs was painful with longing.

"No," he murmured, and the hand on her face brushed away a few of the tears on her cheek. "No, Kar. The fact that you're sad hurts me; the fact that you've been alone hurts me; the fact that I..." he paused. "A lot of things are hurting me right now, Hikari, but none of them are you. You don't have to take all that on yourself." She whimpered weakly and let him pull her up into his lap. _Selfish. Selfish. He's just acting like that to be polite. _He was too good of an actor, then, though. She couldn't help giving in, no matter how guilty she felt; his pain-ridden voice on top of the pain in her sick body and her cluttered mind was too much – heartache on top of headache on top of despair. "It's okay," he whispered in her ear as he began to rub her back. "I don't want you to have to be this strong; it's okay. I'm glad I know. I'm glad. I want to take care of you. Sh… Sh…" His body was warm and solid under her trembling self, and his words were comforting and close to her fevered mind. His breath tickled her skin, and slowly, as the pace of his hand rubbing her shoulder blended into the rhythm of her heart and rate of his steady breathing, she relaxed against him.

_He wants this,_ she told herself tentatively, letting her fraying nerves and cluttered thoughts give into the security of his arms, the closeness of a someone else, for just one night. The pain in her muscles eased almost instantly as she relaxed and tears of a different kind spilled past her eyes. _Selfish._ _But_ _he wants this. _ She turned her face into his shoulder and let the tears fall on his green polo."There you go. That's better; I'm here. Sh… easy…" Briefly, it crossed her mind that he was too good at this for a nineteen-year-old boy.

She didn't know how long he held her, if she fell asleep there or if he laid her down first, if the memory of him tucking another soft blanket around her and gently brushing the hair from her eyes was from then or from the middle of the night. The memory was fuzzy; her fever made her dizzy, and the only solid bits were the feelings of his strong arms around her as he held her and his gentle breath on her skin as he whispered in her ear. "It's okay. I'm here. Sh… easy, Kar…"

_Selfish._

But she couldn't help it.

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><p><em>Again, thank you guys so much for reading! We're just getting started here ;)<em>


	6. A Dream 2

**A Dream**

_Kari's short brunette hair lay loose and beautiful across TK's pillow. Her body was twisted up in the sheets the same way as it had been earlier, when he was awake. The fabric lay tight around her, silhouetting her curves in clean white cotton. There was a little sweat on her forehead, from the fever, but it didn't look bad, and it was part of the reason the sheets clung so nicely to the shapes of her legs. Heat rushed up the back of his neck at the thought, and he quickly tore his eyes away from the pretty girl in his bed._

_ He took a step forward automatically, looking to cover her sleeping form in something slightly less form-fitting, but as his foot touched the floor, thin slits opened on her slender wrists. Panic welled up inside him as blood began to drip down her skin._

_ "No," he breathed, voice catching a little with fear. He stepped forward again, but the cuts only bled more, thin rivulets running down her arms and collecting in her small, soft hands. "No." They practically gushed now, as he stood over her, staining his white sheets vermillion. "No, no. Hikari, no!" He tried to staunch the bleeding with his hands, squeezing her wrists in the sheets and lifting them above her heart, but the blood only coated his fingers and dripped down his own arms. "Kar, no, you can't." Tears blurred his vision as he tilted her face towards his, smearing dark red on her soft, pale skin. "Please, please, you can't. Please," he begged. The tears clogged his throat, and he choked as he watched the drops fall on her face. Her skin was cold and pallid, all heat and color now drained from her wrists, the last drops making a familiar plink, plink, plink on a suddenly present tiled floor._

"No!"

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><p><em>Sorry it's a short chapter this week, guys, but next time it'll be longer again. Hope you all have a very happy (unlike this story ;) ) Easter!<em>


	7. Chapter 5

_Late, late, late! I know, I'm sorry, but I might have to skip next week, also. I'm on stage crew for my school musical, and practices are getting pretty intense. I'm rushing to get this up this morning before Legend of Korra comes on and then I have to leave for another five hour practice, so hopefully there aren't too many mistakes. Thank you guys so much for taking the time to read this!_

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><p><strong>Chapter 5<strong>

A knock sounded on the door behind her, and she nervously pulled her shirt down over her head, her fingers shaking a little too hard, especially this early in the morning. _Hold yourself together; you're pathetic. _A headache pierced her temple with an acuteness that made her lightheaded. "Kari?" TK called her name mildly through her door, employing once again that talking-to-a-little-girl-with-a-skinned-knee voice he had used so much the night before. "Are you awake? You're getting dressed?" She had walked back to her own room to get clothes.

"Y-Yeah," she answered weakly, talking to her doorknob. "I have to sort the recycling, so-"

"No," he cut her off quickly. "I mean, you have the day off today, all right? I talked to my mom about it last night." His voice was gentle but firm, like he had expected this sort of argument and had already made up his mind.

"I-I can't do that, Takeru. I need the hours, and I can't leave it all week, anyway." Heat burned her face when she mentioned money, and the embarrassment made tears sting her eyes. She finally opened the door quietly, but his body blocked the space she'd intended to escape through, a veritable wall of staying-in-shape-for-basketball nineteen year old.

"Paid sick days, Hikari, for as long as it takes to kick this." His blue eyes were on her, but she kept her vision down, trained on the boy's old grey and navy basketball shirt instead. She was still embarrassed, and she didn't want to give him the chance to use his crooked smile or naturally disheveled blonde hair concurrently with his too kind voice to talk her out of anything. The shirt looked good on him, though, unfortunately, not that he ever looked bad, but the material was thin and a little worn, and it fit to his body well enough to see the shape of his well-muscled chest. _So he's perfect, and you're a mess; you already knew that he has no reason to spend time with you. _So why did he? She bit her lip. "I just let her know that you needed some time off and that she'd need to find someone else for a few days if I couldn't do whatever needed done." She shook her head and lowered her eyes even further to study the floor.

"I can't accept that, TK. It isn't fair." She could feel the emotion pulling at her voice; she was too tired. She felt tired all the time, now. "I-" He cut her off again, a little sharply.

"We clearly have different ideas about what's fair, Hikari, but I assure you, you can accept this." His voice took on an almost angry tone, and she tried to place the emotion but failed as her own emotions took over. Tears burned her eyes at the disorienting antagonism, and thoughts swirled in her head faster than she could keep track of him. _You're upsetting him,_ it started with and then rapidly blew out of proportion: _He hates you. He should hate you. You're awful and mean and self-centered and- _"She's going to cut down your work, too, a little bit, so you have more time for yourself, so you don't have to spend all your time just working and studying. It won't affect your salary; you can still pay for school." Kari swallowed quietly, and her sore throat complained. She tried to ignore what he'd said. She made herself look up at him briefly as she answered, and she was surprised by the strangely solemn concern on his face; she had expected anger, irritation at the least. Certainly she didn't expect him to look like that, brows knit and eyes dark; he never stopped smiling when it was he who was sad.

"I-It'll only take a few minutes. I don't want you to have to do anything for me." Worry and hurt shone together in his eyes, and she blinked rapidly against the tears still threatening to overwhelm her.

"Why wouldn't you want…" He seemed to give up on that train of thought. "No, I-I don't want you walking around before you take some medicine, all right?" She winced; he sounded really worried. "Rich boy can take out his own garbage, believe it or not." He smiled a little, finally, his voice forcibly light. There was only a little sarcasm to the remark, and the unease in his voice nearly overcame it entirely, but guilt flooded her chest despite this, and tears rushed to and past her eyes with renewed force, not without attracting his attention.

"Hey," he murmured, placing a hand on her shoulder gently, "hey, it was just a joke, okay? And it's just recycling; it isn't a big deal," he added, and he said it caringly, with much too much emotion in his voice, but the comfort only brought more tears (_You're doing that to him. He can't even make a joke without you falling apart._), and a few hot drops ran down her cheeks before she could stop them. She looked down, hiding her eyes embarrassedly, but to her surprise, a pair of strong arms wrapped gently around her, pulling her against a warm chest. "Hey, sh…" he murmured, stroking her hair gently with his fingers, but the warmth brought more tears, and a sob caught in her throat as she pressed her face into his soft grey shirt. The fabric smelled like him, a mix of fabric softener and men's shampoo and fresh brewed coffee. "Oh, Hikari…" he sighed, and she felt his nose press into the top of her head as he drew her a little closer, pushing his warm chest into her tearstained cheek. The way he said her name made the tears a lot worse. He took a long, deep breath before trying to continue, and she felt his chest expand and contract as her shoulders began to shake terribly.

"I-I'm so-ory," she cut him off weakly, between what were quickly growing into full sobs. It was awful of her to involve him at all. She gasped for air, but the breath caught in her throat, and she started coughing again. Frustrated, embarrassed heat rose to her face, and she faltered. "Y-You can go. I-I'm so-ory. Y-You don't h-have to-"

"Don't be ridiculous," he growled, the almost anger tainting his words. She felt his breath tickle her scalp. _He hates you,_ the thoughts in her head started again. "Sh, sh," he added, gentle again as her cries worsened. His fingers brushed the back of her neck, and she shivered. "You're burning up, Kar." He dropped his arms to her back and hugged her gently to his body, and she enjoyed the comfort of his warmth too much. She wanted to return the gesture, to wrap her arms around his waist and bury herself against him, but the sadness was like weight, pulling her arms down in their places at her sides, and she cried even harder in her pathetic paralysis.

He never pulled away, though. He held her there for what felt like forever, until her sobs tapered off into sharp, weak breathing against his soaked through cotton shirt. _He's too nice to you._

"I'm sorry," she whispered finally, but he dropped his arms away and stroked her hair, pushing it away from her tearstained face, and he shook his head. His ocean blue eyes were darker than normal, but still friendly and calm.

"You really don't need to apologize, okay? D-D'you think you could come to my room and lie down and tell me how I should do the recycling?" Maybe he was less calm than he was letting on. The worry in his voice sent pain through her chest. She choked on new tears but nodded quickly and took a wobbly step towards his room, before he could say anything else. Her legs felt unbelievable week at the knees, and she took in a sharp breath at the pain in her temple as it rushed back. Her vision spun, and she closed her eyes, hoping she wouldn't faint. "Careful there," TK's voice was in her ear, and his arm was under hers and around her back, supporting her weight. Something in the strength of his arm against her useless-feeling body made her want to burst into tears again.

He helped her back to his bed and tucked her carefully under the covers, and she quietly cried some more. He handed her a tissue, and she wiped her nose. "I'm r-really, really sorry for taking your bed," she whispered weakly, but he smiled, his voice suddenly the essence of optimism again.

"Having a pretty girl in my bed isn't exactly a trial, is it?" Heat burned her face, and tear burned her eyes, but she blinked away the flames.

"I-I'm not-" She knew what he would say to that, though, so she closed her eyes and stopped herself before he got the opportunity to lie for her again. "I-It is when she's gross and sick and coughing all over your blankets."

"You're," he stopped when she started coughing again, and his blue eyes frowned worriedly at her. "Let me get you that medicine, okay? Cough meds and Tylenol and for your fever? Is your nose stuffy or anything?" She shook her head, and he left for a few minutes. She closed her eyes, trying to ease the headache in her temple, but it remained horribly relentless. She heard his footsteps as he returned. "Let's take your temperature while I take care of the recycling. Everything's labeled, right?" She nodded weakly. _You shouldn't let him do that,_ she thought, but, frustrated, she lashed back out at it, _I know, okay? He's too stubborn, and if I keep thinking about it, I'm just going to cry again, and that's a lot worse of a thing to bother him with._

"There's a bin under the sink and in the office, with paper."

"Okay. Just take these," he set a glass of water and a small handful of pills on the bedside table as he spoke, "and then leave this under your tongue until I come back." A glass thermometer joined the medicine. He left and she quickly swallowed the Tylenol and cough medicine before putting the thermometer in her mouth and closing her aching eyes.

She jumped a little when he took the glass tube from her mouth, and she realized that she had fallen asleep for a minute. "Sorry," he said gently, but she sat up despite her pounding head. His hand caught her shoulder and pushed her back into the bed again.

"Girls with fevers of one-o-two point three should stay lying down, at least until their medicine starts to work," he explained then glanced at his clock, which read ten thirty. "I already had breakfast. Are you hungry at all?"

"I'm fine," she lied softly, and he frowned down at her. _Stop looking so worried._

"You're sure? When did you eat last?"

"I don't…" _know, _she tried to lie.

"Did you have lunch yesterday, before…?" Kari shook her head.

"What did you have for breakfast?" She shook her head again, swallowing, unable to answer properly. Her throat ached terribly, and she wondered how long it would take for the Tylenol to work. _You deserve the pain, _she thought, then: _don't think about that._

"I haven't really been hungry," she explained.

"Did you eat at all the day before?" He sounded very worried again. Worried. Tears burned her eyes. _Stop wasting his time._

"Y-Yeah."

"What did you eat?"

"A granola bar and a bowl of soup and some salad." She lied about the soup; it had only been a cup.

"That's like one meal, Kari. Your body needs more than that, especially when you get sick."

"I-I can't eat, though, anyway; I-I'm stressed out, a-and I feel sick to my stomach." That was true, at least. Tears were burning her eyes again, and his gaze softened.

"I'm sorry, but I'll get you some ginger ale and saltines, then, okay? If you get some rest and we can get your temperature down, it'll probably help your stomach." She nodded resignedly and blinked at her tears. His hand touched hers for a moment, and she looked up at him. The gentleness in his expression made her force a smile up at him, trying to ease his worry, but if it looked as awful as it felt, wouldn't be much use in that regard. "I don't know how you're feeling. Do you want me to put a movie on or something, or are you too tired?" he asked.

"You really don't need to do anything. I'll probably get up later and do some of the laun-"

"Hikari Kamiya," he cut her off firmly, "you are sick. You have a temperature of one-o-two point three, and you practically woke up crying." She tried to break eye contact, but she could feel his gaze on her. "I want to help you to feel better; would you please let me do that?" Embarrassment sent heat to her face.

"I-It isn't you're responsibility t-to-"

"Would you stop with that, Kar? I'm not doing this because I feel responsible; I'm doing it because I care about you and I don't want to watch you feeling terrible all on your own." She blinked at him.

"A movie would be nice," Kari whispered, and he smiled gently in relief.

"Do you mind if I stay with you to watch it?" She bit her lip.

"I don't want to get you sick," she answered. He smiled again and shrugged.

"I think you're worth the risk. You still look like you could use a hug." She blushed, and the extra heat in her face made her lightheaded. He grinned. "Just give me five minutes to get that ginger ale. What movie do you want to watch?" She shrugged shyly, and he rolled his eyes as he smiled down at her. "C'mon, you don't have a sick day movie?" She smiled a little despite herself.

"Do you?" she asked.

"Ferris Bueller's Day Off," he confirmed without hesitation, and she giggled. He smiled at her too gently. "Here," he handed her a remote from his bedside table. "You can just rent something from the menu."

He disappeared into the hall, and ten minutes later she sat propped up on pillows with a breakfast tray in her lap containing a plate of pretzels and saltines and a cold can of ginger ale with a blue bendy straw sticking out of it. TK sat beside her on the bed, legs folded, laughing with her at all the jokes in the movie she had chosen. His laugh shook the bed a little, so that every time something funny happened she shook along with it, indirectly connecting her to him. It crossed her mind that she would be perfectly content to stay like that for a very long time.

She tried very hard not to cry and succeeded the majority of the time. When the movie ended, TK moved the tray from her lap and helped her lie down in the mountain of pillows and blankets he'd found for her. He gave her the hug he had mentioned before the movie and told her to try to take it easy; she deserved the break. She wanted to tell him not to let go, and did he know how much it meant, every time he laughed? But telling him that would have been obscenely selfish, so she didn't. Instead, she drifted off slowly as he flipped through channels to find and old rerun, so that she fell asleep listening to and feeling him chuckle at some silly old joke.

* * *

><p><em>I really liked having that once-a-week schedule, so hopefully things will ease up after the musical and college decisions and things are finished! Thanks again for reading!<em>


	8. Chapter 6

_Hi, guys! The musical was a lot of fun last week; it's really sad that it's over - my last musical in high school. :( So here's the new chapter; I hope you guys like it!_

**Chapter 6**

"Kar?" A warm hand on her shoulder woke her that evening. "Kar, hey, it's Takeru," he murmured, rubbing her arm gently through the thick comforter. His voice was low and careful, like he was afraid she might start crying again. She twisted around so that she lay on her back, and a headache pierced her temple again.

"H-How long was I…?" She started to sit up, and he put a hand on her back to steady her. She realized that she was trembling a little.

"Take it easy, all right? You don't need to get up or anything; I just wanted you to take some more medicine and try to eat something. Your fever is still really high, and your breathing has been kind of strange." How often had he been checking on her? Her chest ached when she breathed. "Hey, hey, easy…" She had taken a shaky breath in and was immediately overwhelmed by a violent coughing fit that took her a solid minute to recover from. When her breathing finally did return to normal, TK touched her elbow. "Are you okay?" he asked nervously, the fingers on her arm tightening slightly, as though unsure of her permanence. She nodded.

"Y-Yeah, I'm fine."

"Why don't you lie back down?" She shook her head.

"N-No, I'm fine. I-I want to take a shower. I-I'm all clammy and dizzy and-"

"Those are exactly the reasons you should lie down, Kar," he explained, giving an exasperated smile and pushing gently on her shoulder. She ignored the suggestion and slowly swung her legs around and off the bed. "Please, Kar," he tried again, putting one warm, strong hand on her knee, "I just don't want you to get any worse." His worried blue eyes studied her face, and she looked down at her bare feet self-consciously. _You look terrible. Worse than normal. You're sick and sweaty and repulsive. And he's still worried about you. _It felt good, being worried about, even if it was just out of courtesy, and that made her feel even worse.

"I-I know, Takeru." The ache in her chest made it hard to talk. "I'm not trying t-to do work this time, okay? I promise. I just need a shower; i-it'll clear my head." His blue eyes searched her face for a few long seconds in the dimly lit room. There was something more than regular worry behind the ocean spray blue, but she couldn't place it. She forced herself to meet his eyes and tried to look stronger and healthier than she felt.

"Take…. Take the medicine first," he began slowly, "and I'll wait right outside; if you start to feel too lightheaded or you can't catch your breath or something, you can just call me, and I'll get my mom if you need help."

"Okay," she agreed before he could change his mind, though she had little intention of imposing any of her needs on him again, even if it did mean fainting in the shower. She swallowed the five pills he handed to her without question, and she let him keep a hand on her back as he led her first to her room to gather fresh pajamas and then to the bathroom at the end of the hall.

The hot water did everything she'd hoped it would. The strain of her breathing eased as the steam relaxed the tightness of her chest, and the tremor in her hands stilled as the heat soaked into her sore body. Of course, it also hid her tears well, so she sobbed for a solid ten minutes, wrapping hear arms around herself to contain the violence of her cries and biting down too hard on her lip to keep any sounds from escaping her throat. That wasn't really strange, though; TK's presence had left her holding tears back as much as possible, and her body wanted to make up for lost time.

She slipped out of the shower and changed into her new pajamas: very short cotton shorts and one of Tai's much-too-big-for-her soccer tee shirts.

"Hey, you're looking a little better," he smiled up at her as she exited the bathroom with a stack of old clothing in her arms, sounding unusually relieved. _Too nice._ His head was resting on the door frame, his blonde hair splayed out against the olive green wall behind him. _Could he hear me crying?_ she wondered, but the brightness in his eyes made her guess not. He jumped up from his spot on the floor and took the pile from her before she could argue. "Stay here; I'll throw these in your hamper." He returned a few seconds later and returned his hand to its place on her back. "I ordered in soup for dinner tonight, so we have chicken noodle or broccoli cheddar or chicken tortilla. Or I can make you something else," he added quickly, "whatever you think you can eat."

"Broccoli cheddar would be good," she answered softly, her voice too weak at the kindness in his tone.

"Yeah? Why don't we get you back in bed, and I'll get it ready, okay?"

TK laid a thin quilt over her bare legs and piled up an inordinate number of pillows behind her so that she could sit up. "Thanks," she murmured, and he smiled with the corner of his mouth.

"No problem. Are you cold?" She shook her head. He touched her forehead with the back of his hand briefly and then his own, and he frowned. "Still warm. I'll get you that soup. More ginger ale?" he added, and she nodded quietly.

"Thank you," she repeated, but he just grinned at her as he exited the room.

* * *

><p>"The Tigers," he commented as he handed her the soup, nodding to her shirt. "Is that from your boyfriend back home?" She blushed. <em>Who would want to date you? A disgusting, awful mess.<em>

"N-No, I-I don't have a boyfriend. It's my brother's." She smiled a little despite herself. "He doesn't know I have it, actually; I stole it from him last time he came home."

"Right," his eyes lit a little bit, "soccer scholarship, I remember. Well, I'm sure you look cuter in it than he does." More heat burned her face, and tears formed in her eyes as she shook her head a little, but she tried to stop the thoughts (_Ugly, disgusting, stupid for even thinking-_) before they could get out of control this time, focusing her attention on the bowl of soup in her lap. _You can cry as soon as he's gone. He has classes tomorrow._ TK passed her a can of ginger ale and sat down beside her on the bed again. "Another movie?" he asked, and she nodded.

"That would be nice," she agreed. They picked an old children's cartoon they discovered they both liked, and she managed to distract herself enough to keep from crying. Maybe that would make him feel better.

"Hikari?" he said her full name cautiously when the movie ended.

"Mhm?" She glanced over at him as the credits played. His head had been leaned back into the headboard as he watched movie, but he shifted forward now and met her eyes ominously, as though arranging himself for a conversation she didn't want to have.

"While you were asleep this afternoon, I made an appointment with a Dr. Kato for next Friday. I can move the appointment, if it doesn't work for you, but I thought that way I could drive down early that afternoon and give you a ride there."

"My fever isn't that-" He looked at her, his left eye squinting just a little bit like he was trying to think of a good way of saying something, and she stopped. "H-He's a-a-"

"Psychiatrist," TK finished for her calmly but carefully. As self-confident as he was, a bit of nervousness touched his voice now. She nodded as the tears rushed to her eyes and broke past her lashes. An awful whimper tore from her lips before she could stop it. So much for not crying in front of him. "Hikari," he sighed slowly, touching her arm compassionately. The strength of his fingers felt too good on her fragile skin, and emotion rose in her chest. She tried to stop, but a worse sound escaped her throat, and he paused for only moment before shifting closer to put an arm around her and pull her side into his. He drew her into his shoulder, and she could feel the muscle through his thin cotton shirt. Embarrassment colored her face, and the heat made her tears worse. "Kar, listen to me, okay?" He spoke very slowly and very cautiously, trying to measure his words. His hand tightened slightly on her arm. "I've been to this office, all right? That's why I had the number right away, and it's why I could call right away." She remembered what he'd said that morning.

"I-It was y-your friend's," she choked out, glancing up at his face, but he blinked at her and paused for a second before answering. Something went through his eyes for a moment, and then a small line appeared between his blonde eyebrows.

"N-No. No, Aimi went to a different office." Her chest tightened slightly at the sound of a girl's name, and she studied her hands in her lap. "A really good friend," he'd said. _It doesn't matter, and you know that. He could have been talking about his supermodel girlfriend or his brother; you still wouldn't have a chance of him caring about you._ _Stupid, stupid- _TK interrupted her thoughts. "This was for me. It is, I guess, for me. I still go every couple of months." Kari looked up at him.

"Y-You…" She couldn't imagine the friendly teenager sitting patiently in a quiet waiting room or grinning his TK grin over at a therapist. But then, she knew what he sounded like that second before he woke up from his nightmares.

"Yeah," he smiled a little. "I mean, it was a different doctor, but… And I mean, you don't even have to like this guy; we can find someone else if you don't feel comfortable or if you would rather try another style - art therapy or something. Whatever you decide," he added quickly, "we're gonna take care of it, okay? Any bills from sessions or treatment or medicine, whatever." Her heart skipped a beat, and guilty anxiety flooded her chest. She looked up at him, tears still blurring her sight.

"Takeru, I c-can't let you do that."

"Hey, hey…" His left hand brushed tears from her cheek. "You definitely can." His eyes were too persuasive, too honest-looking, when he told her that. It was hard not believe him. She dropped her gaze to her hands again; they were trembling a little, and she shook her head when she found she couldn't speak. _He's already done too much for you. You know that. _"This is really important to me," he explained, tone suddenly even more serious, placing his firm hand over her shaking ones. "I know money is an issue, and I don't want you to not take care of yourself because of that." _Too nice._

"TK," she whispered, a few hot drops splashing down onto their hands. He squeezed her shoulder gently and rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb. She closed her eyes; the touches meant too much again; his voice sounded too benign.

"It would really mean a lot to me if you would give this a try."

"I-I don't want y-you t-to… That isn't a cup of coffee, TK, it's a lot of money."

"That's exactly why I want to handle it. I don't even want you looking at the cost, okay? If there's anything you don't need right now, it's more stress." She choked on the tears in her throat and drew her knees to her chest so she could hide her face in her legs. "What's the matter?" he murmured, pulling her into him again. His warmth soaked through the thin layer of grey and navy tee shirt between them and into her skin. _I shouldn't get the chance to feel better,_ she thought the answer to him. _Other people should, but not me, and you shouldn't be wasting money and time that you could spend on and with someone else. Someone better. Someone happy, because that's what you deserve, and I like you, but I have no right to feel like that, because I can't even- I'm terrible. I'm awful. I hate…_ Her thoughts were a mess of lines in her head, crisscrossing like scars through her consciousness.

"I-I j-just-" was as far as she got out loud. Her words turned into a sob, and his left arm wrapped around her waist, holding her closer. Again, the affection made it worse. "I've a headache," she choked, and he squeezed her gently into his side.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice much too pained. _You're upsetting him._

"Y-You can leave. You d-don't need to stay here with me." He didn't answer, but he pulled her legs into his lap and hugged her body to his chest for a long, long time, until she had calmed down a bit.

"What can I do to make it better?" he murmured, his breath brushing her skin. Remorse pulled over her heart. _You shouldn't have ever let him see. Look at what you've done._ She shrugged silently and turned her face into his warm tee shirt. His comforting scent washed into her lungs. _So selfish. All you want is attention._ She couldn't have asked him for anything even if she did know how to make it better.

"Y-You don't have to do anything for me."

"Kar…" She was quiet. "Kar, please, I can't read your mind." She could have laughed; he was always reading her mind; a sob caught in her throat instead. "What's bothering you about the doctor?" he insisted. _I'm probably just blowing things out of proportion to get attention. I'm self-centered, not depressed, and the doctor will know that, and he'll know that I'm just a stupid, attention-seeking, ungrateful idiot, and then you'll know, too. You probably know already. You probably hate me. _A cry escaped her lips. "Kar…" She swallowed hard. She opened her mouth and shut it again. The guilty pain in her chest was unbearable. She couldn't breathe with the tears in her throat. She felt trapped.

"I-I'll go, Takeru, o-okay? I-I'm s-sorry; I-I'm r-really trying t-to stop." She wiped at her eyes, trying to rub the tears away. TK took her hand gently away from her face and held it in his. His voice was very quiet.

"D-Don't apologize, all right?" He squeezed her hand. "It really does mean a lot to me; I know this is difficult. If there's anything I can do to make it easier…" She kept crying, and strain sounded in his voice. "Please talk to me, Kari." _It's mean of you to talk about it; it's selfish. _The conflict between his gentle voice and her own harsh thoughts was agonizing. _Selfish,_ she reminded herself and finally managed to shake her head in his shoulder; he stiffened a little. _Relieved he doesn't have to talk to you._

"J-Just p-put the TV b-back on, o-okay? I-I'll calm d-down."

"If, if that's what'll help," he agreed, his voice abnormally soft. His arms loosed from around her, and she forced a trembling breath in and out of her lungs as she slipped from his lap and back onto her pillows. She had to bite her lip too hard again to hold back the loneliness settling into her core, and her tongue tasted the blood as it entered her mouth. _Watch the TV,_ she told herself. _Lean forward, so he can't see your eyes. Now listen to what they're saying, forget about everything el-_

Takeru's hand quietly settled on top of hers. Didn't hold it, just lay there, like it had the first time she had brought him hot chocolate. She swallowed before the pain could escape her lips, but only just in time. _Why does he do that to himself? Why can't he just not care? Why does he have to be perfect and polite and wonderful and-_

He didn't talk to her for the rest of night. They watched mindless television for maybe forty minutes before her aching-with-tears eyes couldn't stay open any longer, and she fell asleep. The entire time, right until she lost consciousness, her mind was trained on his still hand, resting modestly but surely on top of hers. _Why?_

_Thanks so much for reading! I actually meant to put part of this in the last chapter, but I forgot, so you get an extra chapter! ;P Until next time, :)_


	9. Chapter 7

_Hi, guys! I didn't think I'd get to upload this week, but I did, so yay! ;) Anyway, enjoy!_

**Chapter 7**

Kari placed the saucepan on the stove and turned up the heat before measuring out the milk. She was grateful to be back in the routine of things: making TK hot chocolate at one in the morning, feeling relatively healthy again. The week behind her was a blur of tears and illness and unasked for social time: TK had apparently still been worried enough when he left early Monday morning that he arranged for Yolei to stop in a couple of times to check on her, each time bringing fresh baked goods, rented movies, and fervent requests that she take it easy and call her or Takeru if she needed anything. As if she could ever work up the courage to do that. _As if you would ever deserve_–

"Hikari Kamiya!" Kari jumped as the usually friendly voice came distorted with pain and anger from behind her, and her blood turned to ice in her veins. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" A strong hand grabbed her elbow and pulled her roughly to the side, and TK slammed the drawer she'd had open shut, sending a resounding _crack_ through the room and hurting her ears. Tears blurred her vision immediately at the look in his eyes. _He's angry with you. He hates you._ "Why would you-" The guilt was crushing.

"I'm sorry," she cried. "Wh-Whatever I- I'm sorry; I thought…" She cried harder and cowered back from TK's imposing form. Takeru hadn't ever really yelled at her before, not like this. _You're finally so bad he can't help it._ His hand dropped her elbow. A beat passed, and his body shifted away from her.

"You were…" His voice dropped to a normal albeit shaky tone, but she hardly heard him as she scrambled to clean up the ingredients she'd laid out on the counter, her mind and heart racing. _Chocolate. Where did you get the chocolate? Stupid, stupid-_ "I thought… Kari, stop." His voice sounded tired again, and strained. She winced and buried her face in her hands. "Y-You were making hot chocolate again?" She peeked out from between her fingers and nodded weakly, and a tear fell down his face as he rolled his eyes. Her heart pounded anxiously; why was he crying? _You upset him; what did you do? Stupid, stupid. _"You must think I'm a lunatic," he choked a little, gripping at the hair at the back of his neck, and for the first time she noticed that he was shaking. She shook her head quickly, still sobbing. "I d-didn't hurt you, d-did I-I? Wh-When I gr-grabbed y-your arm?" His voice cracked horribly, like it was broken under the weight of the fear and the guilt. _Like you,_ she thought, horrified._ He shouldn't ever have to sound like you_. She shook her head rapidly.

"N-No, I'm f-fine, Takeru." She could hear him swallow from two feet away; the pain was much scarier than the anger. She found herself wanting him to start yelling again. "Whatever I did, I'm so sor-"

"Y-You didn't do anything, Kar; I… I just spaced out." His voice was terribly gentle, so much that it hurt to listen to it. He swallowed hard again and then laid a hand on left shoulder soothingly. "Don't cry, all right? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I-I saw the knife and your sleeves were rolled up, and I thought…" Her heart still pounded much too quickly, but the look in his eyes made her give up a little. She leaned her forehead into his chest tentatively, greedy for the terrible gentleness she'd heard in his voice, and he wrapped his arms around her even more cautiously; she could feel a little of the trembling in his hands. _Selfish. You hurt him. _"Sh, sh, okay…"

"I-" she choked, and the shake in his hands worsened on her back.

"Don't, really, Kari. There was no reason for me to react like that, and you weren't doing anything wrong, anyway. It was just a stupid dream, a-again, and I was tired a-and confused, b-but it won't ever happen again, okay? I'm so, so sorry. I'll go in to my doctor's, first thing tomorrow, okay? I'll take medicine or do stupid breathing exercises, whatever might help. I-I have no right to lash out like that, not ever, but especially when you're feeling the way you are." She gave another soft sob, and he held her closer, his voice pleading, now. "I swear I didn't mean it, Kari. I had no right to yell at you. I never have a right to yell like that. I didn't mean it." The pain in his voice was splintering; he had been upset a few times while she was sick, but it was nothing next to the remorse in his voice now.

"I know," she whispered, forcing herself to hug him a little to show that she was really all right. "I-It's just hard t-to stop wh-when I start crying." He stiffened slightly at that, and guilt tugged in her chest. "I-I know y-you're sorry; it's okay." She tried to pull away, to let him go, but he shook his head.

"I'm so, so sorry, Hikari. L-Lemme finish the hot chocolate, okay? W-We'll both have some." He made her sit in one of the stools along the counter while he worked, but she could see his hands shaking as he did, and it upset her, so she lowered her face into her arm and cried as softly as humanly possible until she heard him set the steaming mug of hot chocolate down in front of her.

"Sh," he murmured, moving around behind her again to rub her back, "sh, easy. I'm so sorry; just have a drink, okay?" Reluctantly she obeyed, keeping her tearstained face away from him as she took a sip. He left suddenly and returned with a box of tissues. She wiped her nose and tossed the tissue into the trash, but tears still rolled down her damp face, dripping off into her hot chocolate. She kept her face down in an attempt to hide this, but soon she felt a warm hand on the side of her face, pulling her eyes to his. The blonde boy reached up, and took another tissue from the box and quietly wiped her face dry. His own eyes were pink and painful-looking, as if he were living the nightmare. When he spoke, though, his voice was calm again.

"I thought you were cutting," he explained, his voice a little lower and little rougher than was normal. "It's a bit of a sore spot. You remember I told you that I had a friend who went through depression; she…" He seemed unable to finish his sentence.

"Is that what the dreams are about?" she asked, her own voice steadier now as he calmed. "You said you were confused, from the dreams. Is that what…?"

"S-Sort of, yeah," he answered quickly and swallowed, and she had a feeling he was avoiding something (_He just doesn't want to talk to you,_ she reminded herself), "but even if you had been… especially," he corrected, "if you had been actually cutting or something…" He ran a hand through his messy blonde bed head, looking uncharacteristically overwhelmed. "That wasn't how I should ever react to anyone doing something like that, you understand? It was just wrong. I had no reason to be angry with you." He sighed, squeezing his eyes shut for a second. "A-And, I mean… we're friends, right? You like me, or you did right up until I freaked out like that?" She blushed at his uncertainty. She couldn't imagine a person not liking the friendly, mindreading blonde boy.

"'Course I-I do, Takeru." His blue eyes moved back to hers, and she shifted uncomfortably at the attention, but he didn't seem to notice.

"Right, so I don't want you to be afraid to tell me anything. I promise, if you ever actually… it won't be like that again, okay? I promise," he repeated seriously. "That isn't how I really feel about it, a-and I don't want you to think that if that is something y-you're really struggling with, that I'm just going to get angry or something. I won't." He paused for a moment. "I mean, you said you thought about it, right? When we talked before." She averted her eyes. He waited for an answer, though, and she finally gave a tentative nod, tears in her eyes again. "And do you ever do that?"

Kari studied her hot chocolate quietly. _He'll know, if you lie. He'll blame himself, if I tell the truth; he'll feel terrible._ She shifted back and forth between the two spirit-crushing guilts. Her throat felt swollen, anyway, and she couldn't speak. Silently, she shrugged.

"What does that mean, Hikari?" he asked, his voice too concerned. She swallowed. "I won't be angry, okay? No matter what." He put a hand on hers, and she bit her lip. "Are you angry with me?" he added when she was still quiet. "Because you have every right to be, a-and you don't have to talk to me, then." The resigned guilt in his voice upset her, and she shook her head quickly.

"I-I'm not angry with you, TK," she paused, and then the words tumbled out of her mouth. "I just, I-I've never cut, b-but I mean… I-I…" Her conscience made her stop again. _It isn't fair of you to bother him with your problems. You're just selfish and mean; that's all._

"You've hurt yourself," he finished for her. How did he do that? She nodded, and she hated herself for being honest. _You can hear how awful he feels. Why would you add yourself to that?_ Tears broke past her eyes as self-loathing built up in her chest, making it hard to breathe. The hand that was on top of hers wrapped around her fingers and squeezed gently. "When was the last time?"

"Last week?" she managed in a hoarse whisper. His hand tightened on hers again, and she lowered her face into her arm again to help hide her tears. His arm was too close now, though, and she could feel his skin as she brushed it with her hair.

"Okay," he murmured, his voice close. "Did you talk to the doctor at all about that?" She thought about yesterday's appointment, the thousand questions and the thousand uncomfortable silences that followed them. Admittedly, she felt much better after talking even a little bit; today really had been easier until just now, but that just happened, sometimes, even on its own; it always got worse again. Maybe if she looked better for long enough, TK would stop paying for sessions.

"S-Sort of. I-It'll b-be on one of the forms, wh-when I hand them in next w-week."

"Right. Are you getting through those okay?" The mountainous stack of paperwork handed to her in the waiting room had seemed in itself a test of the severity of her anxiety. She shrugged.

"Y-Yeah, I guess. I don't know what to put for everything." He looked at her thoughtfully for a moment.

"Well, what do you need right now? I mean, what will make you feel better? A hug, or a movie, or a bowl of ice cream?" he suggested gently. "You're welcome to talk, too, if you want to, but I know I've made tonight pretty rough already." There was still too much regret in his tone.

"C-Can we just talk a-about something else?" she managed, tears creeping into her voice despite her best resistance.

"Yeah," he answered quickly. "Yeah, of course we can." He glanced over at the counter, as though searching for a topic on the granite, and then back at her, taking on his friendly conversation voice: "Favorite beverage, go."

"Pr-Probably hot chocolate, actually," she forced herself to smile a little, wiping the corner of her eye again. She could see something shift in his eyes, but he grinned back at her.

"Oh, I see, so this making me hot chocolate thing is just a ruse to get some for yourself."

"Maybe." He smirked, and she giggled.

"So, as a connoisseur, how did my hot chocolate making skills measure up?"

"A-Adequately," she answered after a moment, her voice still a little weak, and he laughed.

"Adequately? Ouch, Kar." Kari blushed.

"There wasn't whipped cream," she clarified, "or chocolate syrup, or little chocolate chips. The hot chocolate itself was more than satisfactory, but it was missing… personality." He laughed again.

"I'm glad you thought through your answer so thoroughly. Where, exactly, would I find more personable hot chocolate?" They laughed, and she blushed again, but it was a good blushing.

"Um," she bit her lip. "There's a place near my house – a little café – that makes these really big mugs of it," she used her hands to demonstrate the size, "with, like, these big handmade marshmallows that come in different flavors." She felt like she was talking too much, but his eyes were brighter than she'd seen them all night and interested, locked on her face, so she continued. "And they have frozen hot chocolate, too, for the summer, with crushed ice in it."

They talked for a long time, until TK laughed and told her it looked like he was putting her to sleep. Kari didn't want to go to bed, but she couldn't ignore aching of her tear-worn eyes, and she felt bad making him stay up with her. He grabbed their mugs and threw them in the dishwasher and then followed her upstairs.

"G'night," she whispered when they reached the hall, waving goodbye awkwardly at him from a few feet away (_Stupid, _she told herself_)_ and stepping towards her room. An arm caught around her waist before she reached the door, though, pulling her around and into a solid chest.

"Goodnight, Hikari." His other arm wrapped around her, and she tried not to feel anything from the gesture, tried not to feel the terrible gentleness in his arms; she didn't want to cry again. "I'm sorry, again, for everything I-" She shook her head and quietly hugged him back for a few long seconds; he fell silent.

"Thank you for the hot chocolate," she whispered as she dropped her arms. He released her.

"No problem. Sweet dreams, all right?"

"You too."

_Somebody asked me if I'd have more time to upload now, and I give you a tentative yes? But the next two and a half weeks are going to be crazy, because it's the end of school (and I mean the end of all of high school!), and I have a bunch of stuff due next week because senior grades are due early because if we have a 95 or higher in a class we get out of finals (:D), and I have senior skip day tomorrow, but I'm just staying home and working so I have less to do, and then I might be salutatorian which is icky because I would have to do a speech and I am terrified of speeches and... people. Okay, that turned into a rant instead of an answer, but I'm just gonna hit save and be done with this._


	10. Chapter 8

_Hi guys! It's a weird time of the week for me to upload, but I had the day off since I don't have any finals, and I finished up a chapter, so I thought I'd just share it with you! Have fun! ;)_

**Chapter 8**

"Hey." TK walked into the kitchen, where Kari was browning beef for tacos, and pressed his hands onto the countertop. He sounded like he was on the verge of some grand announcement.

"Hey," she answered, turning her head and smiling a little at the determination in his blue eyes. Today was not terrible, at least relative to most of her days, so the smile came pretty easily.

"Hey," he broke from his resolute stance to grin at her for a second (_You aren't lying well enough if he's that surprised at you smiling, _she told herself.) and then continued in a business-like, clipped tone: "So Yolei's family has a beach house next door to ours, like two hours from here; that's how we met. I just got off the phone with her and she said that she and Davis wanted to get out there before regular classes started this fall, and we thought maybe you would want to come, too, just take a break from things." Kari blinked.

"Wh-When?" she managed, her mind blank.

"We were thinking next week through the week after?" His right eye squinted uncertainly, and it drew attention to the blue persuasively. "I mean, if that sounds overwhelming, we could always make it shorter." He was wearing a white button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up, making him look too handsome and composed too easily and bringing her back to reality.

"I just don't want to leave your mom for that long," she told the cabinetry below him quietly. "I already had to take off while I was sick." His brow furrowed and a hint of concern entered his eyes. _Stupid, upsetting him. He's just trying to be nice._

"She won't mind, Kar." Guilt pulled in her chest, and heat entered her cheeks. She turned back to the pan and moved meat around to avoid his worried face.

"She should mind, though. It isn't fair to keep doing that if I don't need to."

"Why do you think she hired you, Hikari?" he asked suddenly, and it stopped her. Her heart pounded nervously. _He knows you're terrible at everything. He knows how selfish you are. There are other people who could have worked here, who he would rather have met. _"A nice, quiet girl right out of high school? To cook and clean? If that's what she wanted, she'd have found a chef or something, brought in a cleaning service a few times a week." He waited, but she lost herself in the pattern of the tiled floor.

"I-I don't know," she admitted nervously.

"I'm leaving in two and a half weeks, Kar; Matt's been gone for four years; she wants someone in the house. Not necessarily to talk to, just to be there, and if that person could be a young woman, who could be all the things she never got from her boys, so much the better." Kari blushed.

"She loves you, TK." She had heard Mrs. Takaishi talk about her boys more than a few times and dusted the hundred photographs of them in carefully hand-matted frames throughout the house. TK shook his head.

"Of course she does, I didn't mean it like that," he said it easily, complete and utter fact, like those things were obvious. "I was just trying to show you why she isn't going to worry about a few sick days or a vacation to get your mind off the things you're dealing with. She cares about you, the girl, not just you, the employee." Kari bit her lip. "Don't worry about the cost or anything, eith-" She cut him off quickly this time.

"Takeru, I can't let you pay for anything else, okay?" He raised his blonde eyebrows at the sharpness in her tone, opening up his eyes and making them even more striking.

"Yolei and Davis wanted to pay, actually," he corrected her coolly, "seeing as it's their trip, and they offered without me saying anything." Embarrassment colored her cheeks instantly, and she looked down at her feet, then back at her pan of beef on the stove, hiding her face and rapidly tearing eyes. "Kari…" His voice warmed again immediately.

"'m so stupid," she muttered, leaning her forehead into the light fixture above the stove as her voice lost strength. She heard TK walk around the counter that divided them.

"That's not true," he told her very seriously. A warm hand landed on her shoulder, and she could feel the tips of his fingers along the edge of her collar bone, but she ignored him to keep from crying.

"I-I don't want to interfere with your friends' vacation."

"They want you to come, Kar. Yolei… really, really wants you to come." He sounded a little entertained at the thought. She swallowed and fluttered her eyes at the stove, blinking back tears.

"I don't want to interfere with your vacation, either." A single drop fell from her eye and sizzled in the pan despite her best efforts. His hand squeezed her shoulder, pressing just above the bone in a way that made her feel smaller and weaker than ever, but his reply came easy and relaxed.

"Well, I definitely want you to come." The guilt was awful again.

"B-Because you feel bad for me."

"Because I like you, Kar," he corrected, an almost amused tone to his voice, "a lot, and I would like to spend time with you. And, yeah, I think that you could use some time to relax, but because I care about you, not because I feel bad for you." She didn't bother to argue with his reasoning this time. He was too confident in everything he said. She wondered if he had memorized the guidance counselor handouts.

"I-I'm not a whole lot of fun to spend time with right now, Takeru." The tears affected her voice, and she hated herself for it. _Stupid. Stop crying. You're selfish for even thinking about yourself at all._ A beat passed, and then his hand slid from her shoulder. He shifted onto his right foot, leaning around to look at her face.

"Clearly, we have found another topic on which our opinions differ, Hikari Kamiya. Please?" Her eyes flashed up to his and down to the stove again.

"Y-You r-really want me to come?"

"Yes," he smiled, an exasperated amusement to his voice, "I really, really want you to come." He touched her elbow, and she wiped her eyes. Something definitely not amusement flickered on his face at that, but he covered it quickly.

"Okay," Kari whispered softly.

"Yeah?" He grinned, squeezing her elbow for a second, and she nodded in confirmation.

"Yeah," she added, "I'm sorry for getting all-" She gave a sort of gesture to her teary eyes, and his eyes darkened.

"No, don't apologize, okay? I know it's hard to do something like this; it means a lot." It means a lot. He had said that before, when she'd agreed to go to the therapist; it felt like he said it whenever she did something particularly selfish. She wiped at her eyes again, but she forced herself to smile. The least she could do now was cover the sadness for him.

"'S not a big deal." He looked at her like he didn't believe it for a second, but she turned back to the stove before he could say anything. "The meat is done, if you want dinner. I just have to get everything in bowls."

"Yeah," he nodded. "Thank you."

Kari climbed into TK's silver hybrid as he loaded up her luggage. _You shouldn't have let him do that. You should have put your bags in sooner so he couldn't even offer._ She closed her eyes and leaned back into the seat. The stress of traveling made her nauseated, and she had a piercing headache in her temple from lack of sleep – her insomnia had been worse leading up to the trip.

"You have everything you need?" She opened her eyes and nodded weakly at the cheerful morning-person beside her. "You got breakfast?"

"'M not hungry," she murmured, and TK frowned a little. _Try to lie, at least, stupid girl. You're making him feel bad. _The guilt made her nausea worse.

"Are you feeling all right?" She shifted in her seat and tried to look better than she felt.

"Yeah, I'm just a little queasy."

"Are you gonna be okay? I can stop and get you a coke or something at the first rest stop, and there are crackers inside." She shook her head and forced a smile.

"I'm fine; don't worry about it." He looked at her like he was definitely worrying about it, but he didn't fight her.

"'Kay," he climbed into the car and buckled his seat belt. "Is music all right?" He pointed to the stereo in the center console before starting the car, and she nodded.

"Yeah, of course." He tapped the 'on' button, hit shuffle on his mp3 player, and pulled out of his driveway to the beat of a bass guitar. She giggled as the song started, and he looked over at her like he was startled by the laughter.

"Billy Joel?" she asked, smiling over at him. The surprise faded into playful, mock offense.

"You don't like the classics, Kar?" he retorted, smiling back at her.

"No, I just wouldn't have guessed." He paused at a stop sign and turned the music up to sing along with it, making faces over at her to make her laugh again. At the first light, he went full out, drumming on the steering wheel and singing right at her. She just smiled at the brightness in his eyes, trying to ignore the tug of darkness over her heart. Despite the goofy looks he was shooting her, his voice was effortlessly clear and on pitch the whole time. _Of course he can sing; he can do everything else. _"You have a good voice," she told him as the song ended.

"Hm?" he asked, turning the music back down.

"You have a good voice. Not Billy Joel," she qualified, "but good." He smiled with the corner of his mouth.

"I had voice lessons for a few years, but my brother's the musician, and the classic rock fan," he added. "Speaking of brothers, is yours going to kill me when he finds out how much time I spend with you?" Kari blushed brilliantly, trying to remind herself that there was no reason for Tai to get upset; TK was just a friend, but he laughed. "Ah, well, you're worth it."

TK stopped at the first rest stop despite her protests, insisting that he was thirsty, too, and returning with a pair of huge fountain drinks and a small fast food bag. "Here you go," he handed her a coke and a plastic straw. "I got French fries to share, too, if you think you can eat anything." She gave in and ate a few French fries every so often, which seemed to make him relax.

When they were out on the highway again he quizzed her with conversation starters: What kind of music did she listen to? A little of everything but a lot of instrumental lately. She already knew what music he listened to from the stereo playing in the background: Classic Pop/Rock from the 70s to the 90s and a few from the early 2000s, but nothing very recent. Played any instruments? No, but she found out that he played a little piano and guitar (poorly, he insisted, but she didn't really believe him). She wondered if he had a list memorized or if he was just that good at thinking of things to talk about. She certainly never could have come up with this many questions. _But then, you're you, and you can't do much at all._

"Okay, other things I don't know about you…" He squinted adorably as he thought. "Your birthday?" She blushed.

"Um, May fourth," she answered. He blinked.

"May…?" he repeated, glancing over at her, looking unusually concerned.

"Fourth." He made a noise between a breath and a laugh and shook his head, his eyes back on the road.

"Well, that's easy to remember. Mine is June fourth," he added. "Mm…" He pressed his head back into the seat. He did things like that a lot: drummed his foot on the floor or tapped his hand on the steering wheel in rhythm with the music, like a little kid who couldn't stand sitting in the car for too long. She smiled a little when he wasn't looking. "Favorite holiday."

"I don't really like holidays," she admitted quietly. It slipped out before she could stop it, and she looked down at her hands, embarrassed.

"Why's that?"

"They're just really stressful, a-and they make things… worse." She hadn't ever brought that subject up to him on her own. _Because you shouldn't. Because it isn't fair. Because you should just leave him alone. _ She hadn't even really brought it up then, but TK's psychic powers filled in the blanks easily.

"Just because they're stressful, or…?" His blue eyes strayed from the highway to study her face, and she picked up her soda so she didn't have to look at him.

"Y-Yeah, and they're just really emotional, I guess. Everyone is really happy, and I can't get myself to feel that way, and I feel bad about it. Or else I remember everyone who isn't happy – that there are still people starving out in Africa somewhere, and I feel bad about that." Her chest ached, and she felt nauseated again. _Why are you telling him that? He doesn't care. He shouldn't have to care._

"That's a lot of guilt, Kar." Tears burned her eyes, and she swallowed some coke, letting the cool liquid calm her nerves.

"Y-Yeah, I guess so."

"Well, you have full permission not to be happy around me during any holiday, guilt-free, okay?" He reached over, found her hand on her cup, and squeezed her fingers gently with his. Heat slid up the back of her neck at his touch. _He doesn't mean it, not like that. It's stupid of you to even think he could._

_ I-I don't think he could. I know there's no reason he would…_ She swallowed.

_ Good, because he doesn't, and he won't, not ever. You're stupid and ugly, and no one will ever feel like that._

"O-Okay," she laughed, wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands. His hand moved back to the steering wheel. He asked her more silly questions, and she gave him more silly answers.

The beach house was on the beach. Not across the street or down the road: the backyard turned into sand which turned into ocean. And it was very nice, not the kind of little cottage one would expect from a summer home, but a full, sprawling one story house with a cathedral ceiling and huge glass windows in the wide open living room that faced the shore.

"Your room will be the first one on your right down there," TK nodded to a hallway as he set down the mountain of luggage he had carried in. Kari struggled with one suitcase. "Mine is further down to the left."

The room was beautiful: white washed furniture and a mix of pale and navy blues and gorgeous iron work on all the fixtures, including those in the attached bathroom, which also had a ridiculous, only-in-movies shower with temperature controls and multiple showerheads and set of bone white, hand carved driftwood shelves that held way too many fluffy blue towels. Of course, it also had a full-length mirror, which nearly had her in tears before she could escape back into her room. _Ugly. Hideous. Just nauseating._

"It's weird that Yolei and Davis aren't here yet," TK called from the kitchen as she sat in a soft, canvas colored armchair, holding a throw pillow and trying to slow her breathing. _I have to stop; he's coming. So ugly. You're disgusting. You should just- _ "They said they would be here early and wait, but maybe they got hungry." His voice became louder as he walked towards her room. "You still haven't eaten yet, have you?" She shook her head at the window across the room reluctantly, wishing he would forget. Her stomach wasn't in the mood to eat; she wanted to throw up. _You're sickening._ "You all right?" he added worriedly, eyeing the chair she sat in.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Th-The house is really, really nice, Takeru," she changed the subject, glancing around the room to avoid his eyes and trying to distract both of them.

"Thanks. My mom just redecorated last summer," he answered, a hint of suspicion still in his face, but he headed back towards the kitchen. "I think I'll give them a call; we could always meet them somewhere." She heard him dial the phone; her bathroom shared a wall with the kitchen, and the insulation was surprisingly poor. "Yolei?" he asked clearly in a phone voice. "Yeah, where are you guys?" There was a pause and then a severe "what?" The shock in his voice made her glance towards the door nervously. Something in her chest tightened as though anticipating the upset being turned on her. _Stop, stop calm down. _Guilt rose in her throat, and she tried to focus on her breathing again. "What on earth is that supposed to mean?" Another pause. "And when were you going to tell me that? Yeah, well that's cute and all, Yolei, but the point was to-" He stopped, and then his voice dropped a bit, but she could still make it out without trying. "What am I supposed to tell her?" A pause, a click, and an annoyed breath. He appeared in her doorway looking a little agitated.

"Yolei decided to come up next week instead." The guilt pulled in her chest instantly. _She doesn't like you. That's why. They didn't really want you to come._

"Because of me?" she whispered nervously, but TK closed his eyes for a second, breathed out his nose, and smiled, breaking any irritation in his voice. He laughed, too, running a hand through his blonde hair, and she frowned at him. "I-I thought m-maybe they didn't want-"

"Believe me, Hikari, their not coming has nothing to do with _not_ liking you." He was still laughing a little. Was he making fun of her? No, he was too nice for that. "Come on, don't look like that. I'm serious. They like you a lot; Yolei's just a little… temperamental." _He wants to leave. He doesn't want to spend the whole week with you._

"You don't have to stay, if you d-don't want. I mean, you were looking forward to your friends, and…"

"Don't talk like that," he said, suddenly serious, frowning at her. _You upset him again. Why don't you just shut up? Just don't talk at all. No, you'd never be selfless enough to do that._ "I was looking forward to all my friends, you included." He paused, and then a hint of nervousness shone in his eyes, and he ran a hand through his blonde hair. "I mean… Were you just trying to say… Do you not want to stay?" She shook her head.

"Of course I want to stay, TK. I just thought…" She bit her lip, but he gave a relieved smile and held out his hand to help her up.

"Come on, you need to eat, Kar. What are you in the mood for?" She shrugged, but it didn't faze him.

"There's a little sandwich place about a mile down the road. We could walk there, stretch our legs from the ride up." Kari nodded and smiled a little at the memory of his fidgeting in the car.

"Yeah, that sounds good."

_Thank you so much for all the congratulations; I still don't know what I'm going to talk about, but my speech is due on Friday, so I have two days. See you next time! Well, I guess not, but... I'll have another chapter next time! Okay, that was lame; it's too late at night._


	11. A Dream 3

_Super Duper Short Chapter time! ;P Thank you guys so much for reading; enjoy!_

**A Dream**

_Warm sun hit his bare chest as he lay, his eyes closed, on a beach towel. A gentle breeze made his hair tickle his forehead. There was a small, soft hand in his own, and he knew whose it was before he looked over and saw her pretty chocolate eyes. She was wearing a light pink bikini, so he knew it was a dream. TK was very aware that Kari had worn one piece or a tank top and shorts to the beach every day for the past three days. He decided not to think about it; it was too nice giving into his imagination. After all, he'd had enough bad dreams; he had to take advantage of the good ones._

_ Dream Kari smiled at him a little, her eyes bright in a way that was rare and precious. He wanted to kiss her, he thought suddenly, and it was only a dream, so he rolled onto his side, and he did. Her lips responded immediately, like she had been waiting for this, and she touched the side of his face as he wove his fingers with her hair._

_ Her body seemed to pull him almost magnetically closer. A delicate hand traced his bare stomach, and he shuddered. He didn't care that it wasn't real; it felt real; he wanted it to be real. He kissed her and held her and buried his lips in her neck and felt the warm sun on his back and the soft body below him._

_ And then something changed. Her lips didn't move against his anymore; the heat of her body dissipated; her flesh was cool and strange, and when he opened his eyes, hers were open too – open and vacant and staring. He should have seen this coming, but he hadn't; it hurt as badly as ever. The beach was gone; harsh fluorescents lit her pale face. Where the warm, shifting sand had been below them, there was a cold, hard ceramic tub, and where the salty ocean spray had been, there was blood, thick and heavy in his lungs._

_ "Hikari!"_

TK woke as he crashed to the floor, tangled up in his comforter and soaked through with sweat. He took a shaky breath in his nose and out his mouth and let his head fall back into the dark oak hardwood below him, calming himself. It wasn't enough, though. Tear burned his eyes and his heart pounded anxiously, begging him to go check on her. "Idiot," he snapped, slamming his fist into the floor beside him angrily. _She's fine. You're completely irrational. _His pulse still raced; he couldn't catch his breath. "Damn it, Takeru; get ahold of yourself," he growled, but he couldn't.

In the end, he had to walk over to her room and watch her shoulders rise and fall a few times before he could go back to bed. _Of course she's okay. Pull yourself together, Takaishi. You can't do all this again. Not in front of her._

* * *

><p><em>Anybody else kind of excited for these story cover things? Except I'm going to spend a bunch of time playing around in photoshop and not writing ;P Actually, I wish I was one of those cool people who could draw anime characters, but I'm not, so I don't really know what I'll do.<em>


	12. Chapter 9

_Hello, guys! It feels like it's been forever since I've updated! Thanks for everyone who wrote me about my Salutatorian speech; it actually went pretty well even though I didn't write anything at all until the day the speech was due for review. ;P_

_Oh, and I made a cute little cover thing! It's not very good, though. I didn't realize I wouldn't be able to zoom in. The title is a little pixel blur. :/ Ah, well._

_Enjoy!_

**Chapter 9**

TK stood, fully clothed, in the middle of the small kitchen, heating water on the stove. He looked up when she came in and gave her a gentle smile with the corner of his mouth.

"Can't sleep?" he asked, and she shook her head quietly. "Me neither." Nightmares, that meant. A pang shot through her chest; she should have gotten up earlier and made him a drink herself. "I was going to take some tea outside; do you want to come? If you get changed- it's pretty cold out there at night- I'll make you some hot chocolate." She nodded this time.

"Okay," she whispered, her voice tired, and returned to her room to change into jeans and a thin, pink, scoop neck t shirt. She pulled her hair back when she noticed the breeze outside her window and rinsed her face in the sink quickly, washing oily sleep from her skin. _It doesn't matter. You still look gross._ She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to push those thoughts out of her head. _He's already had nightmares tonight; he doesn't need you falling apart again._

TK handed her a large travel mug when she re-entered the room and placed a hand on her back, guiding her to the door. He led her down the beach slowly, a couple of steps ahead of her, and they were silent, but she rolled up the bottoms of her jeans and moved close to the water, letting it wash over her feet as the waves hit the shore. It felt nice, and he joined her, slowing his pace to match hers, and then skimmed the top of the next wave with his foot, splashing water up at her playfully. She fake pouted and pushed him away with her shoulder, and he laughed.

"I'm sorry," he smiled and then glanced down the beach. "C'mon," he added, taking her wrist in his hand and leading her more quickly down the shore, to a small, roofed-over pier ("My dad had a boat," he murmured in explanation), lined with hanging electric lanterns. He dropped her wrist to flick a switch on the side of the structure, and the bulbs lit, flooding the area with a soft glow that reflected back up off the dark water. He walked down the wooden walk, and she followed, and they sat down on the far edge, sipping quietly at their warm drinks for a few minutes without speaking. "How are you feeling?" he asked finally, his eyes meeting hers like he really wanted to know.

"Tired," she shrugged dismissively before she could think about a truly genuine answer; that would only make her cry. In actuality, it had been a pretty good day, that is to say, she hadn't come to tears yet; though the indefinable weight in her chest was still very present, and insomnia had proved persistent even after hours on the beach. "Did you have a nightmare?"

"The same one." For once he didn't look at her as he spoke; his eyes were trained on the water, on the waves as they shifted the horizon.

"I'm sorry. They've been getting worse lately," she mentioned. She could hear him from her room sometimes, the gasping cry as he was shocked back into consciousness. He shook his head at the water, as if to tell her it didn't matter, and she studied the cup in her lap. "I-I know you have an appointment when we get back, b-but if it would it help at all to talk about it," she began hesitantly before her low confidence made her backtrack. "I mean… if you don't want to- w-we aren't that…"

"Aren't that what?" He looked over at her now, and she blushed.

"Cl-Close, I guess… I-I don't know." He studied her face seriously.

"I mean, you said we were friends, right?" She nodded silently, her eyes on her hands. "So…" Her heart fluttered nervously, and she felt her words tumble out clumsily.

"I just don't want to seem… I-I just met you and… I don't have a lot of friends, you know? Even at home, lately. I mean, I have friends, but I don't…" She traced the edge of the cup with her thumb absentmindedly. _Why would you tell him that? He'll think you're an idiot._ Tears. _Stop, stop, stop._

"You never told any of them," TK finished for her definitively, and she swallowed. How did he do that? It was like those blue eyes could pierce into her mind. She nodded weakly, and he continued. "I've never told Davis or Yolei about the nightmares. I mean, they know about them anyway, so it's different, but I can empathize, a little bit, at least." She looked up at him, remembering the sound of his voice when he'd thought she was cutting, how it had reminded her of herself.

"Sometimes it seems like you can empathize a little too well." He smiled like it was a joke, and his blue eyes flashed over to hers for a moment before returning to the water they matched.

"You remember the girl I talked about?" he began, his voice strangely tentative, tone still light but empty of its usual confidence, apprehensive. "My friend who was cutting, Aimi?" Her heart did something strange with her anxiety. Of course she remembered. She found herself studying his face, their roles reversed as he kept his eyes focused on the surf.

"Yeah."

"She… She and I were really close. We met just after my mom and I moved into my dad's house." Kari noticed that he said "dad" differently than he said "mom": off-handedly, like his existence was immaterial. He took a breath, like it was a long story. "She had a pretty bad home situation – not abuse or anything like that, but her parents didn't get along at all, and they just kind of ignored her most of the time. Anyway, I didn't find out about the cutting or bulimia or anything until the divorce at the beginning of our junior year, when it got really bad, and at that point… At that point she wasn't really interested in help." He sighed, and her heart pounded nervously. "Her parents kind of treated it like a phase, or something," he sounded a little angry, there; something cold and bitter affected his voice, "but they still paid for therapy since they had the money, so I drove her to appointments once or twice a week for a few months, and I thought maybe she was getting better, and I showed up on her birthday to take her to see a movie as a surprise; the front door was open, so I went in, but she wasn't in her room, so I went to the bathroom a-and-" He had spoken so smoothly the whole time she didn't realize how upset he was until he choked on that word. The rending of his voice was like physical pain in her ears. Her breathing was rough, too, now; she didn't want to hear the end of this story. Quietly, she placed her trembling hand on his strong forearm, and he smiled a little over at her through the tears in his eyes. "Sorry," he chuckled uneasily, like he was being stupid. "She, um… sh-she wrote a note and then she used a kitchen knife to slit her wrists in the bathtub. She was already dead when I found her." He rushed through those sentences, forcing them out as rapidly as possible and leaving her with a too-long moment of silence to process them. Before her heart had raced, her breathing had come too fast; now her heart seemed to stop cold; she couldn't breathe at all.

"T-TK, that's-" She had to stop as her throat thickened and her chest tightened. It was like an anxiety attack, except that for once she couldn't have cared less about her own anxieties.

"Terrible, yeah, so I've been told," he smiled again as a tear rolled down his face, and it occurred to her that through all the nightmares she'd never seen him stop smiling.

"Th-That's what the dreams are about?"

"It was," he agreed, glancing over at her, "for a really long time. Walking in to find her over and over again, but those aren't so bad anymore; they pretty much went away after a few months of therapy." He swallowed, and she realized her hand was still on his arm, began to pull it away, but he caught her fingers gently in his hand before she could. He smiled again, and another tear fell down his cheek. "You're the first person I've really been close to at all since… what happened, and I thought… I thought I could finally let myself care again, you know? That's cheesy, I'm sorry," he added with another grin. She wanted to tell him to stop smiling, that it just made it worse, watching him fight to stay cheerful when they were talking about something so horrible, that it made it scary. "But then I walked in on you crying, and I just knew, the second I saw you; I think I had a feeling even before that, a-and," he swallowed again and rolled his eyes, "I almost just started crying right there in front of you," he gave a strange sort of breath that probably would have been a laugh if he were not crying. She remembered the sound of his voice when he'd walked in on her, the sound like he already knew what was wrong. "It just felt like everyone I cared about ended up..." He ran his free hand through his hair and blinked rapidly. She had to force herself to breathe, her lungs didn't want to do it themselves. That feeling of wanting to stop the pain in his voice was back, worse than ever, tearing through her chest. _He shouldn't have to feel that way, _she thought_; _the bright blue in his eyes shouldn't be tainted by the angry pink. _He should never have gone through that, and you shouldn't be dragging it back out for him to go through again._ Tears burned her own eyes, and she squeezed his hand unconsciously, not noticing she'd done it until he squeezed back. She blushed. "That's when the new dreams started. I-I walk into that bathroom over and over again, a-and I find you, over and over again, with your wrists cut open and blood all over the bathtub." She watched a tear roll down his face. "Sorry," he muttered, wiping his face with the back of his free hand. "I said too much. You've already got too much on your mind." His eyes flickered to hers, and he smiled again, and she had to hold back a sob as her chest tightened. She swallowed hard, and then words spilled out before she could stop them.

"I-I won't do that to you, Keru. I won't-" She was crying, she realized, hard enough that she must have been doing it for a while, and it broke up her words. She took a teary breath and tried to calm herself. TK's eyes dropped to their hands between them, still holding one another. He swallowed, for once not smiling.

"Please don't make a promise like that, Hikari," he said, still quiet and gentle but firm. "I know y-you mean it, but if something happened a-and… I just wouldn't want any stupid excuses to be angry with you." She shook her head rapidly, emotion pounding in her chest.

"I won't, TK." Tears made it past her eyes now, and he looked down at her. "I-I'm so s-sorry. No matter how bad it gets I- I c-can't promise not to hurt myself – not yet – but I won't purposefully do that to you. I-I w-won't let the nightmares… I-I promise." Her voice broke, and his eyes softened a little; his hands began to wipe her face and rub her shoulder. "I'm so s-sorry. I w-won't."

"Oh, Kar, don't, please. Sh, sh…" _Pitiful. That's what he thinks. _His voice weakened painfully, and a combination of guilt and determination made the next words spill from her lips. She looked up, meeting his eyes forcefully.

"I won't."

"Okay, okay, you won't," he gave in, his voice soft as it tried to soothe her. "Sh, sh…"

"I-I'm s-so s-sorry," she choked, but he frowned at her.

"Don't apologize. There isn't anything to be sorry for." _Nothing to be sorry for? What about making you deal with this again? What about torturing you with memories of your girlfriend? What about…_ "Easy, easy… Don't cry, Kar." _Stop. You're upsetting him worse, doing this. _He stroked her hair, pushing it out of her face so he could meet her eyes. "You've got to be the most selfless girl in existence, you know that?" She choked violently and shook her head no, but he just smiled. "Well, you are." _Too nice_, she reminded herself, but her tears cleared fairly quickly in the cool night air, and they sat quietly for a minute, his hand still massaging her shoulder. "It's just that… you remind me so much of her," he said, wiping a final tear from her cheek before letting his fingertips trail down her jaw. Heat rushed up her neck. _Stop. _She looked up at him, meeting his clear blue eyes. They were bright again, and the traces of pink were barely visible anymore. His body shifted a barely discernible distance closer to her as he spoke. "Not that you look like her at all, or act like her; your personalities are totally different, but both of you were- are incredible, wonderful, beautiful girls who've no idea the things they've got going for them."

"Beautiful," she scoffed, turning pink, but she didn't look away for more than a moment as his blue eyes moved closer, looking a little sad but unfazed at her comment.

"Beautiful," he confirmed calmly, like it was fact, his breath tickling her lips. He was very, very close to her now. How had that happened? Her face turned from pink to red as his nose skimmed her cheek. _He won't. He doesn't even like you. He just feels obligated to… _His breathing was indistinguishable from her own now; his hand touched her neck, and it crossed her mind that he, unlike she, clearly had a very good idea of what he what he was doing. _And what are you doing, Kari? _she asked herself, but then his warm lips pressed into hers, and it became immediately and terribly clear that they were both exhausted and sad and lonely and not thinking straight, and that the only thing that could hope to ease that pain was to taste and feel and lose themselves in each other. He tried to start softly, she could tell, his lips just brushing hers as they moved. She pressed back even more lightly, and he caught her bottom lip and tugged gently, so gently. His hand moved to the back of her neck and slowly tilted her face up, gaining strength as he found a rhythm with her lips. _What are you doing? Disgusting. You don't deserve- _Tears burned her eyes, but his thumb stroked her neck in a way that made her oblivious to anything but their bodies again.

Her own shaking hand touched his strong jaw as he leaned into her, but it was too hard to kiss like this, side by side, too hard to get enough of each other and too hard to forget the nightmares in their heads, so when the fingers of his free hand pressed gently into the back of her far knee, she obeyed the touch immediately, sliding her leg over his lap as he drew her in gently, so that she straddled him, and any semblance of self-control slipped away. His hands pulled her closer in response to her nearness, snug against him and his strong chest, and his fingers twisted with her hair to bring her lips deeper into his own. He broke from her mouth to travel along her jaw and down her neck, planting soft but fervent kisses along her skin that made her lungs do strange things as she tried to breathe. His warmth felt wonderful and surreal, just TK, no thoughts or pain or tears, just nearness. He had just brought their mouths together again, his fingers knotting with the fabric of her shirt, as though he thought that there might be a way to pull her more tightly against his body than she already was, when the clock tower downtown rang out the hour, and they both jumped, knocking their heads a little. Heat radiated from both their faces, pooling between them and making it hard to breathe. Reality. There was a beat.

"'S three AM," he managed breathlessly, lips still brushing hers as he formed the words in a way that made her miss them, but he loosened his hold stiffly and suddenly, allowing her to move off of his lap. _Of course he isn't going to kiss you again. He probably didn't want to in the first place. He's disgusted by the whole thing. By you._ The violent rush of realness was painful. "Y-You should get some sleep." _It didn't mean anything._

"Y-Yeah," she agreed. "You too."

Her fingers shook as she picked up her mug from the pier, and they kept trembling through the walk back to the house. Her heart was doing strange things, too, beating too quickly, like it did just before a panic attack, but the familiar fear was absent from her chest. She could see TK stealing glances at her in her peripheral vision, but she kept her eyes on the sandy ground in front of her, heat still burning the back of her neck when she thought about the way he'd held her to him, the way he'd kissed her neck. _It didn't mean that to him, and you know it. It didn't mean anything to him._

Cool water splashed up her legs, and she jumped, squeaking a little. "TK!" He smiled when she turned around to scowl at him, his eyes soft and almost shy, as if asking if they were okay, and she blushed brilliantly. She kicked water back at him, but she didn't hold back the way he had, letting the water spay up into his face.

"Hey!" The blonde boy made a grab for her arm, but she darted away and aimed another kick at a wave, sending saltwater up at him again. She giggled, but he was too fast for her the next time, and his hand caught her wrist as they climbed the stairs. He spun her into him, catching her between his chest and his other arm and running his fingers over her stomach. "Ticklish, Kar?" Any attempts to escape dissolved into laugher.

"Takeru, stop!" managed through giggles, and he did, pausing the movement of his hand on her waist. In the absence of laughter, though, the closeness of their bodies brought on the memory of their mutual forgetting. His eyes turned serious. She could still taste his mouth on her lips, still feel his fingers knotting with her hair. She blushed, and he smiled weakly before letting her slip from his hold.

"You can just leave that on the counter," TK told her as she walked towards the sink with her tea, "I'll take care of it." She blushed again, so much blushing, and obeyed quietly.

"Thanks, goodnight." His hand caught her wrist again, though, just before she left the room, and he pulled gently, turning her to him. Her heart did something strange.

"Thank you for talking with me tonight. It means a lot." Heat flooded the rest of her face, and she shook her head.

"I-I didn't do anything." His rough lips pressed softly and briefly to her cheek, and she flushed as she remembered how they'd felt on her throat.

"Yeah, you did. Sweet dreams, Kar."

"Y-You, too."

_He kissed me._ The realness made her blink.

_I-It doesn't mean anything. You know it doesn't._

_ He's kissed a hundred girls. He was just tired. He…_

The voice in her head tore the thought down as it always did. By the morning it was reduced _He'spolite_s and _Hefeltbadforyou_s, but for the next few days she found herself remembering the feeling of his steady breath against his lips whenever he met her eyes.

_On a less-happy note, I have unfortunately been going through some pretty serious health problems the past few weeks. The bad: I have surgery in a little over a week, and I'm not sure how much my mind is going to be on writing (sorry!) The good: Because I can't do any "strenuous activities," I do **have** lots of time to write, if I can get around to it. (I am also unbearably bored, so if anyone has tv show suggestions, they would be much appreciated! ;) ) Also, because of all this waiting room time, I finally reading Ouran Highschool Host Club, which I've been meaning to do for forever, and kinda puts me in the mood for some fluffy oneshots ;) so maybe I'll do a few of those._

_Anyhow, I've now talked way too much about myself. I hope you guys liked the chapter! I wanted to do some more rewriting still, but I figured you guys have waited long enough. ;)_


	13. Chapter 10

_Okay, guys, it's far from perfect, but you all deserve a new chapter before I leave for college, so here it is! Thank you all for being so patient with me and my stupid medical stuff._

**Chapter 10**

Saltwater hid her tears well. So long as she put a smile on her face whenever he looked at her, TK couldn't tell if the pink in her eyes and the water dripping down her face were from tears or another big wave. Of course, sometimes she suspected that he had more figured out than he let on.

The day before, she had been crying hard enough that her shoulders had shaken, and he'd put a hand on her arm from behind. Her shoulders had stiffened a little, and she'd swallowed hard.

"You okay?" he had asked, his voice low and careful. She had felt the heat of his chest radiating the few inches between them and into her back and had remembered how his arms felt around her. She had felt immediately selfish and guilty and awful.

"The water's cold," she had answered, her voice forced to be so light it hurt her throat, but when he had wrapped his arms around her shoulders and leaned his cheek on the top of her head, his grip had been very firm.

"Hang in there, okay?" he'd murmured gently, his warm breath tickling her damp hair, and her tears had caught for a moment in her chest, but then he'd released her and grinned at her from behind messy blonde hair like nothing had happened.

Still, that wasn't the only incident. She had caught worry on his face more than once, and he seemed to find excuses to hold her very close to the times she cried: an arm over her shoulders pulling her into his side, a hand quietly placed over hers for a moment, or just a playful hug that felt a little less than genuinely cheerful. _You're not doing a good enough job._

"Kari?" She snapped back into focus and broke away from his blue-eyed gaze to blush down at the hardwood floor of her bedroom. She focused on the towel she was folding and tried her hardest not to replay the other night in her head again.

"S-Sorry, I was just thinking. What did you…?"

"I wanted to take you out to eat tonight," TK explained patiently, tilting his head a little to study her face and causing his still messy-from-the-beach hair to hang teasingly in his eyes. The blonde strands stirred a bit whenever his eyelashes brushed past. "There's a place near here that makes really good pasta with fresh seafood in the sauce – clam or calamari or swordfish. Does that sound okay? I know you're tired from being on the beach all day." She shook her head and lied quickly, giving him a weak smile.

"I'm fine. It sounds good. Do I have to get dressed up or anything? I-I mean, I'm a mess right now," she added when she remembered her saltwater frizzed hair, "b-but…"

"You look fine, Kari," he told her, sounding just a little hurt (_You shouldn't say that stuff out loud; it upsets him_), "and no, it's not fancy or anything, just good food."

"I'll take a shower quick, then, and then we can go?" He nodded and answered quietly, his eyes soft behind his hair.

"Take your time."

Tears came hard and fast in the shower. She didn't know why the sadness overwhelmed her like that, in a blindsiding, insurmountable rush; maybe her eyes were afraid of the showerheads' competition. But that was normal by now. She cried in the bathroom all the time. She sank to the tiled floor and waited it out, rinsing her face with cold water when she regained control to minimize the puffiness. What wasn't normal was finding TK waiting in her room after she had dressed and blown her hair dry, right outside the bathroom door, his jaw tight and his eyes dark.

"I-I'm sorry, am I taking too lon-" She stammered to the blonde boy sitting on her bed. _You could've been dressed faster. He's probably hungry._ He looked her in the eyes, and she stared down at her bare feet to avoid his intensity.

"No." He made a sound that could almost have been a laugh, if it wasn't so sad. She closed her eyes for a moment at the noise, pictures of him with tears in his eyes as they sat on the pier flashing in her mind. "Are you sure you're up to dinner? If you need a break, I could just order in or something." She didn't like the tone of his voice. Worry practically emanated from his posture. She tried to stand a little straighter, pushing past the weight on her shoulders.

"I'm fine, TK. You were excited about this place." She sounded strained, and she knew it.

"Yeah, okay," he answered, pulling himself to his feet, but there was disappointment in his eyes.

"Is something wrong, TK?" She spoke more quietly, to hide the strain, but it just made her sound worse.

"I'm fine," he muttered a little sarcastically, "just like you."

* * *

><p>Guilt surged through her, leaving a painful trail in her chest, but she hit her arm on the counter again anyway, harder even, maybe. Pain shocked her wrist and shot up the bone, through to her elbow. Tears rolled down her face at the empty ache over her heart. <em>Why can't it just stop?<em> Stronger than anything was the fear, the horrible trembling in her fingers as she beat her wrists against the smooth, hard granite. Another blow. Another sob. _Why would you want this? Why would this make it feel better? What's wrong with you that you would do something like this?_

"Hikari." His voice made her jump, and the fear combined with the sadness finally overwhelmed her entirely. _How could you do this to him? You should've known he'd wake up; you're already giving him nightmares. _She hit her wrist against the sink weakly, shamefully savoring one more thud of pain before his arms enveloped her. He took a forearm in each of his strong hands, preventing her from doing any further damage. Tears took over as the sadness returned, joined by guilt and mortification at being caught. "Kari… Kari…" His face leaned down into her hair so that she could feel his lips move as he murmured her name over and over.

The pain in his voice was unbearable, and she found herself wishing that he had just yelled at her again. She would rather he were angry than this: his warm fingers overlapping around her trembling wrists too carefully and his voice whispering her name too soothingly in her ear. She choked on her sobs and began to cough and couldn't stop. Her body doubled over as her chest contracted violently again and again. One of his warm hands dropped from her wrist and rubbed her back. "Easy. Easy, I'll get you a drink."

His hands slipped away and with them any comfort his closeness had provided. The dark thoughts crept into her mind again, worse than ever, and she gripped the counter's edge in her fingers as she sobbed. The corner felt good under her hands, and she distractedly brought her arm up, ready to strike it on the stone countertop.

"No!" A hand caught her wrist and pulled her around. Another captured the elbow of her free arm, turning her around to face him and his big, blue eyes as he leaned in close. That look of living the nightmare was there again, tears shining in the blue, but there was a restraint, too, like he was afraid to get too upset. "No," he whispered, his nose in her cheek. He was shaking a little bit, like he was scared, and his breath tickled her lips. "No," he managed through a warm, rough kiss against her mouth. It felt good for a moment, much more than good, like a lapse in her loneliness, but she could tell that he hadn't meant to do it, that when he kept kissing her for a few more seconds, his body pressing hers back into the stove with surprising aggression as his tears dripped down her face with her own and she struggled to keep up, it was an accident. _A mistake._

She whimpered feebly at the thought, and he winced before he broke quickly from her lips and gathered her in his arms, against his chest. A final tear landed in her hair. _He's angry; he regrets it; it was a mistake. _"'m sorry," she cried, humiliated. "I'm so sor-" She started coughing again.

"Easy, easy, here," he dropped an arm from around her and pressed a glass of cool water into her shaking hands. His words were as soothing as ever; he didn't let the tears in his eyes touch his voice. _Why can't you do that?_ She choked on the liquid twice before successfully taking a long drink. Her breathing came a little too high and sharp, but she relaxed enough to let him hold her normally. "Are you sick, Kar? You keep coughing." She shrugged, but the motion was lost in her shoulder-shaking sobs.

"M-Maybe a-a little." She felt bad immediately. _You have no right to complain. You're fine._ "I-I m-mean, i-it's just a cough, I-I-" Tears took over. She didn't want to be sick again. She didn't want to ruin everything all over again. _Why can't you just leave everyone alone?_

"Is there something specific wrong?" She shook her head and shut her eyes tightly to hold back the great rush of helplessness in her chest. _There's nothing wrong. You have no right to act like this._

_I can't help it._

_You're pathetic._

_I know._

"Hey, hey, it's all right; just take it easy…" He squeezed her shoulder in his warm hand, and he held her closer, his breath tickling her ear. She cried into his dark blue tee shirt and realized that she must have been holding her breath. "That's better, easy…"

"I can't," she choked out, trying to catch her breath and rapidly hyperventilating. "I-I c-can't-" She shook her head back and forth quickly as her vision spun and her pulse raced. Strong arms crushed her into his chest to keep her from shaking.

"Yes, you can," he disagreed calmly, his voice in her ear, but it was a measured kind of calm, like his composure wasn't real. "Just try to count it out. In: one, two, thee. Out: one, two three…" He rocked her gently back and forth for a few long minutes, until her pulse had slowed and her respiration had deepened, and then he just held her, her head leaned into his chest so that she could feel the comfortingly constant expansion and contraction of his lungs. "Come on," he murmured finally, when her eyes started to feel heavy with tears and lack of sleep, "you're going to fall asleep standing up." He sounded tired, too, Kari thought and wondered what time it was. She shook her head weakly against him and had to count out her breath again in her head before speaking. In: _one, two, three. Out: one, two three._

"I-I can't sleep." Fresh tears burned her eyes as they fell.

"Neither can I, c'mon." He pulled one arm away and moved the other to wrap around her waist, leading her into his bedroom. It was similar to her own, but with a darker color scheme of navy and gold trimmed in dark oak. His arm led her to the large bed in the center of the room, and she sat obediently but stiffly on the edge of the mattress.

"We're gonna have to talk," he told her softly and a little apologetically, like he knew how much it would hurt, and she nodded as tears rushed to her eyes.

"I know."

"Why don't you lie down?" She leaned back into the bed awkwardly, not reaching for any of the cushions or blankets beside her. _You don't deserve them. You deserve to…_ Tears clogged her throat as her mind told her all the things she deserved and then fell silently down her face. It was quiet for a minute, and she heard the tap in his bathroom turn on and then off again. She remembered the devastation in his voice when he'd seen her: "Hikari." _You're terrible. _Shame flushed her face, and she turned her head away from where he would enter, hiding her puffy eyes and tearstained face. A sob escaped her throat involuntarily when her wrists still ached for the pain.

There was a pause, and then strong arms lifted her off the bed to move her head onto the soft down pillows at the other end. A cool, white quilt was drawn up to her shoulders around her, and she felt warm fingers on her jaw, tilting her face towards his. She cried harder at his blue eyes, but they disappeared suddenly, behind warm, wet darkness. A washcloth, she realized, carefully wiping away her tears. She blinked as he pulled it away and felt herself stiffen, then slowly relax as he blew gently into her face, cooling her wet skin. There was something almost intimate about it, something almost affectionate in the way his breath tickled her face. Every nerve in her skin quivered, then soothed, and the tears that rushed to her eyes were of a different emotion than before. Her heart ached awfully. _Not affectionate; don't think that. It isn't true._

"I'm sorry" TK murmured, stroking her hair when the new tears broke past her eyes. "I should've talked to you earlier, before we left for dinner. It shouldn't have gotten this bad before I said something." She could hear the guilt heavy in his voice, and it doubled the guilt already pounding in her own chest. _Why would he feel bad about that?_

"N-No, TK," she cried softly and shook her head. "Y-You c-couldn't've known I-I'd… It isn't your fault; it's mine. I-I'llbefineanyway." She finished quickly when her throat tightened.

"I told you on your way here you didn't have to pretend to be happy around me." He sounded a little discouraged, even a little angry, like he had that afternoon. _"I'm fine, just like you,"_ he'd said. She tried to back out of the implication.

"I-I d-don't know what you…"

"I can hear you cry from the kitchen when you're in the shower – the insulation must be bad – every night when we get back from whatever we were doing and you think you're alone." Her eyes flickered up to meet his for a moment, but the intensity behind his eyes was the same color as his tee shirt, and the combination was overpowering. "A-And I know you've been crying other times, too, all right? I can tell." Kari's chest ached at the pain in his voice. She wanted it to stop, all of it to stop. _Don't think like that; you'll make it worse. You just have to live with it._

"Wh-What d-do you w-want…"

"I want you to talk to me, Kar!" He said it like it was obvious, like she knew it already. She winced. "I don't want to walk in on you like that and feel like it's coming out of nowhere. I want to know when you're feeling that bad. I'm not going to look down on you or anything. You know that. I told you on the way here; even if you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to pretend like nothing's wrong. There's a lot wrong." He locked eyes with her pleadingly, finding her hand under the bedspread to get her attention, but she looked away and studied his dresser, too afraid to feel anything from the gesture. His fingers loosened slightly. "D-Do you not trust me," he tried again, a slight tremor in his voice disrupting his composure, "or did I say something that…? What happened the other nigh-" She cut him off quickly. She already knew it meant nothing; she didn't want to hear him say it.

"N-No, TK," she stammered nervously. "N-No, y-you're always really nice, okay?" Her words turned into a sob. "I-I j-just…" He touched her face and searched her eyes

"What do I have to do, Kar?" Her heart hammered anxiously, and she couldn't hold his gaze.

"N-Nothing," she whispered a little hoarsely, closing her eyes to hide from him, and suddenly he was angry.

"You were slamming your wrists into kitchen counters, Hikari! I have to do something. I know that it hurts and that it's uncomfortable and that you don't want the attention; I do, but I-I c-can't do nothing." He sounded desperate in a way that she didn't like – frustrated and empty and searching. It made her want to pull the covers above her head and hide. "A-And you can't tell me that I don't want to deal with it because I'm begging you, Kar, to let me help. Even if that's just listening to you talk about it or sitting with you when you cry, okay? But I can't ever feel like I should've known and didn't, all right?" _Again, _she thought. _He shouldn't have to do this again._ She found herself crying again, angry with herself, but then, eyes focusing on the dark blue tee shirt he'd worn to bed and fingers trembling in his warm hand, she found the truth tumbling clumsily from her lips.

"I-I don't want to remind you of…" _You shouldn't be saying this. You should just shut up._ "I d-don't want you to have to relive your nightmares a-at night a-and during the day." He blinked at her, and then his eyes softened terribly, the line between his eyebrows relaxing. Tears welled up in her eyes. Her throat thickened. It took him a moment to say anything, and that made it worse.

"Kar," TK breathed finally, emotion tearing at his voice in a way that made her cry harder. "I… I don't want you to worry about that," he whispered, sincerity saturating his words. She studied the hem of his tee shirt sleeve.

"I c-can't h-help…" Her words turned into a sob. She swallowed hard, brushing her tears away with her hand, but she could feel his worried eyes on her wrist, and she was crying again. "Y-You w-were so sad the other night, TK. I don't want to dump my own problems on you. I-I d-don't want you to put yourself through a-all of that again." She hated herself for crying, for letting him wrap his arms around her and pull her into his lap, and for feeling so much better when he did.

"I didn't tell you what I did the other day so that you would feel bad, Kar." Ironically, she could hear the guilt pulling in every word of his sentence as he leaned his forehead into her hair, and her chest ached worse than ever.

"I-I kn-know, I-I just… I do, a-a lot." His arm shifted further around her waist, and he rubbed her bicep gently with his thumb, the way he had when she was sick. Kari bit her lip.

"Would it have been better if I hadn't told you?" She shook her head.

"N-Not if it helped." He moved so that his chin rested on the top of her head and her body leaned into his.

"I think we need a compromise," he said, hugging her closer, "okay?" She wanted to hug him back so badly it hurt, but her arms were locked in place by the guilt, and she could only barely manage nodding against his tee shirt – warmer than she'd imagined it to be, with his heat soaking through.

"Okay," she whispered helplessly, feeling physically incapable of refusing the gentle voice in her ear or the strong arm around her waist.

"If you talk to me when you're feeling sad, I promise I'll come to you when I'm upset about her."

"W-Won't that just make it worse?" He hesitated, losing a touch of that college-kid confidence.

"For you or for me?"

"For you." He shook his head.

"No. No, I don't think so at all. Why don't we try it?" A nod. "Okay…" Quietly, he laid her back onto his bed and tucked her in. "I'll call your doctor tomorrow morning, all right?" he whispered. "You can go ahead and rest." She nodded, a little distracted by the hand that had taken hers again absentmindedly. It crossed her mind that she had stolen his bed for the second time since they'd met.

TK's eyes seemed to be weighing a topic, deciding whether or not it was good idea to bring it up. "Kari," he began, his voice very low and very careful. "about… before…" His fingers slipped between hers, and his thumb traced the length of her index finger. "I kissed you again, and I…" Tears burned her eyes, and her heart sank. She tried to end the discussion as quickly as possible.

"I-It's okay if you didn't mean it, T-Takeru, I understand." He frowned at her, thumb pausing at her knuckle and proving to be just as distracting still as moving.

"That isn't what… of course I meant…" He shook his head. "I just wanted to make sure it was okay, I mean… With things the way they are, I just want to make sure you understand that you aren't in any way obligated to return any of the feelings I have for you, and if you don't want me kissing you or touching you in any way, you can tell me. I don't want to be some creep who you think you have to be with or you're afraid you'll lose your job. I know that I messed with your work hours a little bit, but I-I'm not threatening you to fall into my arms or else, okay? So if any of this is stress over something like that…" She heard clearly exactly one part of his speech through her tears.

"Y-You h-have feelings f-for…" TK's blue eyes softened terribly again. He smiled weakly, and it really betrayed the pain behind his calm-for-her-sake face for the first time that night.

"Kar…" He squeezed her hand, leaned down, and pressed his lips to her forehead, and despite the fear and despair and guilt and shame still roiling together in her chest, she blushed. "Why do you think I have nightmares about losing you every night?" Her eyes teared up again.

"I-I just m-made them worse, didn't I?"

"Maybe," he admitted, "but none of that is your fault, okay? Close your eyes for a few minutes; see if you can get some rest." He dropped her hand, but she quickly reached up and stole it back before he could move away. It took her a second to explain to the blue eyes that looked as surprised as she felt.

"You, too." He shook his head and frowned.

"I can't, Kar. If you get upset again…"

"I'll wake you up," she told him quickly, trying not to sound too much like she was still on the verge of tears. "I'm thinking straighter now, please. You need sleep." The voice that answered her was a little too soft for a six foot two basketball player.

"You promise?"

"I promise." Hesitantly, he lay down beside her and put an arm around her, leaning his nose into her hair. She was still crying, and his arm pulled her closer as she shook. "I-I'm sorry," she choked out when it got worse, when the empty aches returned to her arms. _Stop. Just fall asleep; let him rest. You can cry any time; just let him sleep._

"Sh, sh, Kar…" She could feel the outline of his face through her hair, the edges of his cheekbones and the tip of his nose. It felt too good. She didn't deserve to feel like this, so much better, so much like someone cared. His breath brushed her neck, and another sob escaped her lips. He stiffened slightly. "This is a bad idea," he announced nervously. "It's okay, all right? I can lose a couple of hours of sleep; I've done it plenty of times before." She squeezed her eyes shut as possible "times before" ran through her mind, but he started to pull away. The aches worsened tremendously, in a terrible shock, spreading to the rest of her, echoing in her chest. She couldn't breathe.

"N-No. 'M f-fine." She felt his warmth slipping away and the loneliness rushing back twice as fast. _Too much._ It was too much. Impulsively, she threw her arms around him, terrified of the fear crushing her lungs, and he stopped for a second, as though the muscled body she held couldn't have pushed her thin arms away effortlessly. _You're desperate; it's disgusting. He's embarrassed for you, is all._ But she forced the words out anyway; there was nothing to lose. "I-I, I f-feel terrible, o-okay? B-But y-you should rest, a-and I w-want…" _So selfish._ _You're embarrassing yourself. It's awful. He's just going to stay up, anyway. He doesn't think you really care; he knows how terrible you-_

Warm arms wrapped around her back, and a chin settled onto her head.

"Okay," he murmured, low and gentle, shutting her inner monologue up for a moment. "Just say so next time, all right?" He pulled them back into the pillows and waited a solid ten minutes for her tears to ease again before shifting them both into a more comfortable position, still very close, and taking her hand again, thumb tracing her index finger. "Sweet dreams, Kar."

_This was originally two separate chapters, but neither was coming together quite right, and I have so much more to get to, I think consolidating was best. I still don't love this ending, but it will have to do. Again, thank you so much for being patient – my plan was to write a whole bunch this summer, but it looks like you'll be stuck with my between-school-assignments updates as usual. Thanks also to the people who PM'd me about my surgery; you all are so sweet! The procedure went very well, and I should be A-OK in just a week or so. Now I just have to pack O.O ;) Thank you so much for reading!_


	14. Chapter 11

_New chapter! Excitement! Haha, have fun, sorry it's so short, and thanks for taking the time to read my little story. _

**Chapter 11**

She heard them come in while she was in the shower. The door opened down the hall, and there were distant sounds of hugs and hellos. Kari felt familiar, inexplicable loneliness settle over her heart. _Stop. You're fine. Just take your shower; just think about the water, nothing else. _"So…?" Yolei's voice carried through the wall as they entered the kitchen, all of their voices did, Kari realized.

"What?" TK's voice answered, confused, but there was a pause, and then he added a rushed "Idon'twanttotalkaboutitYolei." Kari furrowed her brow at the discomfort in his voice.

"You did!" Yolei squealed. "Oh, Davis, I think our little boy is finally growing up."

"Oh yeah?" Davis' voice cut in, amused. "So…?"

"I said I don't want to talk about it, all right?" TK answered, tone dark.

"TQ's embarrassed?" Davis teased.

"We can always ask her," Yolei suggested breezily. _Her. _They didn't mean…? _No, of course not. Or they do, and he is embarrassed. _That seemed reasonable. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She didn't want to break down with them here, too.

"Seriously, you guys." There was a pause, and he kept his voice low when he finished. "She's going through a lot right now." She flinched at the familiar gentleness in his voice when he said that. Definitely talking about her, then. And being too nice about it as usual.

"So she could use some cheering up. A little-"

"Every time I've kissed her she's been crying," TK snapped, and Kari winced guiltily, tears finally flooding her eyes. _Stop. Stop; stop._

"Are you sure she was crying beforehand?" Kari held her breath and counted to ten and back in her head, trying to slow her heart rate. _Stop._

"Davis!" Yolei reprimanded, her voice sharp and pitchy. A soft gasp slipped involuntarily from her throat, but Davis' defense covered the sound.

"I'm kidding, okay? Are you gonna be all right? I mean, it's not like Aimi, is it?" A pause. Kari wiped at her eyes and clenched her jaw as she waited with them.

"Takeru…"

"I don't know, okay?" the blonde's familiar voice interjected quickly, like he knew that tone. "I mean, she's better about it in some ways, but she also… she doesn't…" Tears blurred Kari's vision as she waited for the end of the statement. "I-I don't want to talk about her behind her back." She swallowed hard to keep from crying again.

"You're not saying anything bad about her, TK. We both knew Aimi, too. We're not going to be idiots about it."

"I know that; I just… It's a privacy thing. I don't want her to think that I'd…"

"How are you, then?" Yolei answered. Kari leaned her face back, so the water washed over her forehead and her eyes and her nose, so she could only breathe slow and steady through her mouth.

"I'm fine," he answered easily, like he meant it.

"Are you really-"

"Really," he cut Yolei off impatiently, and Davis broke in.

"This isn't you trying to fix what-"

"She isn't Aimi!" Takeru broke there, without warning, voice coming dark and angry at the accusation before it could be uttered. She stiffened, blue eyes flashing in her memory. Angry eyes. Frustrated blue. Tears edging onto his blonde lashes. "Believe it or not, I can tell the difference!"

"He just meant that you should be careful, Takeru," Yolei murmured gently, unfazed by his outburst, "for your sake and for Kari's." Her lungs ached, and Kari realized that she wasn't breathing. Quietly, she tilted her face down and forced oxygen in and out of her lungs as she listened. "You need to make sure you're taking care of yourself and that you're not the one string holding her here, okay? If something ever did happen, you wouldn't want to be the only one who knew there was a problem. And she needs more than you; you know that." A beat. "I mean, you know that isn't what-"

"Of course I do, Yolei, don't worry about it." She heard one of his gentle smiles in his voice, anger dissipated completely. "You know, now, okay? I just really don't want to talk about it."

"If you ever do, though…"

Kari covered her ears and leaned her forehead into the glass door in front of her, focusing on the sound of the water to keep from hearing any more. It was too much all of a sudden. _Why now? You were better a moment ago. Nothing's changed; just hold yourself together. _A pair of tears hit the glass, making thin, clear streaks in the steamy fog. She closed her eyes, too.

"Stop," she whispered breathlessly. She realized her heart was racing again.

_Stop; stop._

"Please stop."

_Man, I must've been feeling angsty tonight. :P Today was one of those JustPostItOnline,They'veBeenWaitingForever days, so hopefully there aren't too many mistakes or anything; I always get nervous, and I've been awake for much too long today, so who knows what I'll have done. But, anyhow, thank you all so much for reading!_

_Um, other updates for anyone who cares! I'm all moved into college! Isn't that crazy? I don't feel like a college student. I have my first big test next Friday ("Shouldn't you be studying, then, clue4211?" you ask quite rightly. "I'm just taking a really, really extended break," I answer quite weakly.), so we'll see how that goes. ;)_


	15. Chapter 12

_At long last! haha, enjoy! I finally got to work this out over Thanksgiving break; hopefully Christmas will give me some time, too. Thank you all for waiting so patiently!_

**Chapter 12**

Kari slipped quietly out of her room and into the kitchen for a glass of water. She could hear the television in the next room, so low it was almost muted. _Nightmares,_ she thought, a pang of sadness in her chest and a burning in her eyes. Her conscience had her consumed in an instant, overwhelming her thoughts in a horrible rush. _Something happened to him. Something really happened, and you're sitting around crying over nothing at all. _She gripped at the counter's edge, and an ache for pain echoed through her wrists. She closed her eyes. _Awful; horrible; why would he ever put up with you, let alone care? He lost his girlfriend; what have you lost? You're just a stupid, ungrateful girl. You have no reason to feel this way._ She squeezed her eyes tighter and leaned her forehead into the cabinetry. _Don't. Don't cry. You're fine. You're making something out of nothing. _Mustering her courage (_More like normality_, she thought, _you're pathetic_.), she released her hold on the counter, set a kettle on high, dug out a pair of mugs, and stirred a couple of hot chocolate packets into the steaming water before stepping into the dark living room.

"D-Do you want some hot chocolate?" Her breathing was a little too hard and fast, just enough to make her voice shake. _Stop. Just act normally for once in your life. There's nothing wrong with you; you're being selfish and ridiculous._ A head leaned back over the edge over the couch to look at her. Brown eyes blinked in surprise, and she nearly jumped, heat rushing rapidly to her face. "'m sorry, I th-thought you were…" Her fingers shook with her voice, and it took all her concentration to keep from spilling the hot liquid in her grip. It occurred to her that she had never spoken to Davis on her own, and the anxiety hammered painfully in her chest. Her eyes, which had just barely begun to adjust to TK's piercing blue gaze, dropped immediately to her trembling hands, the floor when that was too upsetting. She felt lightheaded. He laughed a little, catching her off guard.

"No worries; Blondie here's been out for a while." She glanced up to see him nod towards the other couch, where she noticed a lump of blankets rising and falling ever so slightly, a mop of blonde hair at one end. She tried not to imagine the breathing as rough and gasping, struggling against nightmares until they became too much, but she did, and the anxiety in her chest made her own breathing difficult and uneven. "I'd be glad to take his, though," he added, and she nodded hurriedly after a pause. _Just act normally; why can't you do that? You can't even imagine losing someone that way. _The monologue played continuously in the back of her mind.

"Y-Yeah, of course." She made herself smile weakly as she handed him the mug over the back of the couch. There was an awkward beat as he took a sip. Her eyes had that feeling of being exhausted by tears, though she hadn't been crying in hours. She had an urge to leave the room, to hide beneath her covers; regret was aching awfully in her chest, building towards despair. _Stop; stop it. You have no reason to feel this way._

"You can sit down, you know," he invited brightly. "I don't bite." She nodded nervously and joined him on the couch. Her hands were trembling, and she folded them together to help hide the fact. "So what're you doing up this late?" She shrugged and felt her eyes flicker briefly back to the other boy in the room. His shoulders shifted the blankets slightly as he breathed.

"I-I just don't sleep that well." For a moment she had a feeling that Davis' eyes joined hers on the sleeping teenager across the room, but then he set his mug down loudly and suddenly, and when she turned back to him he had his eyes on her.

"Where do you stand on tacos?" She furrowed her brow and felt her throat swelling under his gaze.

"What?"

"Do you like tacos? Or… I don't know, Mexican food in general? There's a fast food place down the road that's open until 2 AM." Her heart had inexplicably started pounding again, and she felt lightheaded. Still, she swallowed her anxiety and attempted coherency.

"Y-Yeah, I guess so."

"Awesome," he grinned with the same lack of restraint TK's smile so often possessed; "I'll grab my keys."

* * *

><p>Kari blinked, disoriented, at the glowing menu board, trying to figure out how she'd gone from getting a glass of water to standing in line beside Davis, wearing pajamas and ordering a crunchy taco. He had talked the whole way there, which Kari honestly appreciated; she probably would have broken down in front of the cashier if she'd had to keep up a conversation. Her eyes still stung if she thought about it for more than a few seconds. He carried their tray over to a small table by the window, all the while outlining his course schedule for the fall semester. She sat and slowly unwrapped her food.<p>

"Anyway, sorry to drag you across town, but you looked like you could use a break from our resident Mr. Teen Angst." She blushed and shook her head rapidly, unsure if he was joking or not. As though TK was the burden.

"I'm just worried," she said it like she was going to say more but found the statement dangling off, half-completed. Tears pricked her eyes for no discernible reason.

"Exactly; you were, like, staring at him over my shoulder the whole time we were talking. Taking on that much inner turmoil is bad for a person's health." He took a big bite of his burrito, and she felt her heart start to race again.

"I'm sorry. I-I d-didn't-" He grinned.

"You don't need to apologize. I understand wanting to avert your eyes from the glory that is me and focus on the drooling, unconscious kid across the room; I can be pretty intimidating." She giggled nervously and blushed down at her hands.

"I don't think he was drooling."

"Oh, TP's a big drooler," he corrected her, grinning again. "I mean, I don't like to say anything; he's pretty self-conscious about it, but…" They both laughed now, and she let her eyes meet his for a moment. The deep brown made something twinge slightly in her chest, though, and she focused on taking a bite of her taco. "He's better, you know, when he's with you." She could have laughed again.

"He isn't," she disagreed, tears rushing to burn her eyes. "I-I'm just making the nightmares worse. Y-You guys m-must hate me f-for-" She glanced out the window beside her, trying to avoid his eyes as the tears started, but the boy's reflection blinked at hers in the glass.

"What? Why would we hate you, Kari? You've got TZ tripping all over himself!" Davis was grinning, but she shook her head and blinked rapidly at her food. _Not true; don't think it. He doesn't…_

_ But he said he does._

_ He can't! You know he can't. And it doesn't matter; you're just bringing back bad memories._

"Y-You were down there with him, Davis. H-H wakes up every other n-night now." They had been with him through all of this, she realized, had seen him get better and were watching her ruin everything just because she couldn't keep her thoughts together like a regular human being, because she let her mind run off down awful, selfish rabbit trails every other minute. Davis' voice softened suddenly with his answer.

"Yeah, well, I think Yolei and I'd both rather he wake up with a few bad dreams than never really be awake." He was surprisingly sincere, in that moment. His eyes weren't dark, the way TK's became when he was passionate about something, but there was a disarming resolution behind the brown. She furrowed her brow, confused.

"Wh-What d-does that m-mean?"

"You're crying." The quiet solemnity was gone. She realized that she had looked up at him, revealing her undoubtedly pink and puffy eyes. Embarrassment burned her neck. "Geez, I'm sorry. I really meant to let you get your mind off of things."

"N-No, I-I… I-I just do that, I-I'm sorry." She rubbed rapidly at her face, trying to erase the moisture, at least. Something close to pain flickered in the boy's eyes for a moment, and it occurred to her that TK was by no means the only one who had been hurt by Aimi's death or the only one who might still be haunted by bad dreams. She felt out of her depth, like she'd stumbled into the wrong funeral. _Should've been yours._ She closed her eyes at the thought, trying to clear her head. _You can't think like that._ The heaviness in her chest worsened, though, and she found it hard to breathe. The more she focused on the weight, the more pressure she felt, like something inside her was crushing her lungs.

"How 'bout I grab you a Coke and we sit outside, at least? TK and I used to go jogging around this time, after he woke up; it's a lot easier to breathe out there," he explained knowingly, and guilt at having been caught in her anxiety sped her pulse. Still, he bought them each a soft drink, and she managed not to collapse before they made it outside. Her arms were trembling, she realized as she sank to the sidewalk. A warm hand touched her back as a cool plastic cup was pressed into her fingers. "He's gonna be fine, Hikari," he assured her when she had to close her eyes to control the rhythm of her lungs, and his voice was as carefree as ever. "Just keep yourself breathing, all right?"

They would sit on the curb together until nearly two thirty, one of his arms draping over her shoulders as he cracked jokes – a brotherly, halfway sort of hug that reminded her again of another brunette. She could imagine him doing the same for TK, making terrible puns and playing macho as they jogged through moonlit streets. She could picture them in high school, goofing off and playing basketball and feeling Aimi slip through their fingers.

"Just keep yourself breathing, all right?" he had said, squeezing her shoulder slightly. There was always a slight laugh beneath his tone, but she knew he had been all too serious. "That's the best thing anyone could do for him right now."

_I sort of avoided writing Davis and Yolei in my last story, and I'm trying to rectify that a bit this time around. Honestly, though, they both make me kind of nervous. Maybe I just don't have as good a handle on 02, but they just don't come as naturally. Hopefully Davis wasn't totally OOC. :P_


	16. Chapter 13

_So... I know this took a really long time, but in my defense, it is absurdly long. Unfortunately, this made it kind of difficult to proofread, but hopefully too many mistakes didn't make it through and everything flows all right. It's really late, so I don't think I'll say much more... Enjoy reading!_

**Chapter 13**

"Is she going to be okay?" Kari asked worriedly from where she stood on the stairs, tears already burning her eyes. Yolei had just dragged Davis out of the house, holding her stomach, begging him to drive her home, and apologizing profusely. Hikari felt a little sick herself now; her fingers trembled violently, as though she were ill. _Stop; she's the one who's sick. It's your fault; you don't get to feel like the victim._

"She's fine," TK chuckled, smirking with the corner of his mouth and rolling his bright eyes. Absentmindedly, he adjusted the skinny black tie over his clean white dress shirt; she felt her throat swelling up. The weave of the blanket's material pressed into her skin, and she could feel it leaving an impression on her palms. _Who do you think you are? You couldn't even stand next to him. It's embarrassing._ The peculiarity of his reaction didn't register in her cluttered brain. He glanced back over his shoulder at her, and something shifted in his eyes. She realized a few of the tears had made it past her lashes. "Kar… Kar, what's wrong?" Embarrassment made her face burn. She felt her knees give out, her body sink onto the stairs.

"W-We were o-out getting this st-stupid dress yesterday, a-and w-we got lunch at some sushi place. I-I shouldn't h-have even-" His eyes widened as the tears escalated, and he had his hands on her shoulders in seconds.

"Kari, Kari, don't, okay?" The words kept spilling out, though. The guilt was too much; she had to apologize, to keep apologizing until she collapsed. _It's your fault. Everyone hates you, or they should. Everyone should hate you; you're more trouble that you're worth. Your apologizing won't change that._ Vaguely, she had the notion that this was irrational, but it was drowned out by her stammered stream of confessions.

"I-I d-didn't n-need a stupid dress. I-It's just a waste of e-everyone's summer a-and money a-and e-effort, a-and-" She could feel her body beginning to slip away from her – breathing too fast, heart hammering, vision a step removed and out of focus. Her thoughts were incoherent echoes of her incoherent monologue: _It was probably expensive, too. You don't need a dress. You don't need any of this. You shouldn't be wasting anyone's time or money or energy. You aren't worth that, and you know it. You're a waste of time. This is all your fault anyway; you-_

"Hikari, she isn't even sick! Look at me; look at me." TK's hands cupped the corners of her jaw, and the warmth of his touch made her blush, adding heat to her pounding, hyperventilating self. She gasped for air and tried to focus on the blue eyes before her. Blonde lashes swiped down across the ocean, and she felt dizzy.

"Sh-She just ran out of the-"

"She wanted us to go to dinner together." He spoke slowly and clearly, eyes genuine and searching in hers, a wrinkle of concern in his forehead.

"Wh-What?" she managed weakly, tears still rolling down her face. He pushed them away with his thumbs, still holding her face up to his. He smiled very weakly; she couldn't see the curve of his lips that close to his face, but his eyes crinkled just slightly, contrasting with the sadness there.

"Yolei is a lovely person and one of my very best friends, but she is also completely insane and thinks she's some kind of 19th century matchmaker. She was just faking it, Kar." He said her name gently, like he was afraid of breaking it. A strange surge of relief and immediately consequent guilt and embarrassment swelled up in her chest. The tears rushed back. _She isn't sick. You still shouldn't have bought the dress. He feels pressure to go to dinner with you; that's the only reason he puts up with you. You just made it even worse, falling apart in front of him. It was probably obvious that she was faking; you look like an idiot. Hysterical over nothing; it's embarrassing. Aimi. _She felt her face twist into a sob, and she moved to lower her face into her knees to cry, drawing her blanket further around her shoulders, but he moved to her side without missing a beat, taking a seat on the stairs, and pulled her over into him instead. Her cheek was pressed into the clean white fabric of his dress shirt.

"I-I d-don't want t-to mess up y-your," she tried, pulling back slightly, but he scoffed practically instantaneously.

"I don't give a damn about my shirt, Kar." The sobs took over, and she felt him swallow, his hand tightening on her shoulder. _You're making him angry. You-_ His tone softened when he continued, but she could still hear the pain in it as he spoke slowly, deliberately. "I'll talk to Yolei, okay? You shouldn't have to deal with people manipulating your emotions on top of what you're already feeling. I should have said more last time." _Last time._ She furrowed her brow but didn't bother to ask. It didn't matter. _You're the one who fell apart._

"I-It isn't her fault, Takeru," she cried into him. "If a-anyone's crazy here, it's me." His body shifted, his head leaning down to try to catch her eye, but she couldn't look at him now; she twisted her face into his shirt. He settled for hugging her closer and speaking softly but much too seriously into her ear.

"Please don't call yourself that, Hikari," he whispered, his breath sending heat up her neck. "I-I didn't mean to put that in your head, okay? It isn't true." She didn't answer; she just sobbed more deeply into his cool, white shoulder. For a moment the thoughts disappeared, replaced instead by an overwhelming sense of clutching, crushing despair; she couldn't breathe; she couldn't think, couldn't even cry. He squeezed her shoulder again, worry radiating from his very grip on her trembling body. "Kar-" She could breathe again.

"I-I'm s-so sorry," she gasped between tears, desperate for him to know she realized how awful she was being, that she was trying not to be. _You're not trying hard enough then, are you?_ "I-I'm s-sorry."

"What do you have to be sorry for, Hikari?" He sounded genuinely confused, and her answer caught in her throat for a moment before she choked it out.

W-We w-were j-just supposed to have dinner; i-it's been like this the wh-whole t-time, too. Y-You try t-to do something nice a-and I-I-"

"No. No, no, no, sh… sh, Hikari… It's okay. You don't need to be happy for me." TK's fingers splayed across her back and rubbed slowly, up and down. "Please don't hit yourself with guilt on top of all of this. Are there other reasons tonight is stressful?" She kept crying, but he just waited a minute and tried again. "I'm not upset with you, see?" His voice was light and gentle, his hand still moving soothingly along her spine. "Please, Kar. I just want you to feel better."

"I-I'm j-just tired, a-and the water m-makes it worse, a-and traveling makes m-me j-jittery, a-and I-I've had a sore throat for days, a-and I j-just w-want to b-be happy f-for you a-and Yolei, a-and-" She lost her voice.

"I'm sorry," he told her frankly, and the remorse behind the words was palpable. She felt sick. "I'm guessing the restaurant doesn't sound good, then?" Guilt surged again.

"Y-You w-wanted to-"

"Don't worry about what I wanted. It sounds stressful?" She nodded weakly, tears preventing any sound in her throat. "Then we won't go, okay? I don't care what we do. The point of this trip was to relax. What sounds good right now? Is there anything we didn't get to do you'd have liked?"

"I-I don't want t-to ruin your evening j-just b-because I-"

"You aren't, Hikari. I mean it. I've been here a bunch of times before; what would you have liked to do?" It took her a minute to answer.

"I-I d-don't know."

"C'mon, if you could do anything right now, what would it be?"

"I-I guess I wish w-we could've gone back to the pier again." He tilted his face down to meet hers and smiled his goofy smile.

"We could still make that one happen, I think." There was a laugh in his voice, as though she had made a joke. "What would you like for dinner?" She shrugged, but he didn't break stride. "You want to make a grocery run, then? We can just get some sandwich stuff or something and bring it out on the beach."

"Okay," she breathed, her voice hoarse and a little raspy with the cessation of her tears.

"Sound like a plan? Not too much?" She nodded and pulled out of his shoulder, rubbing her eyes.

"Y-Yeah. I-I'm really sorry, Takeru, f-for all of this; you shouldn't have to change your plans just because I get weepy and throw a tantrum." His hand squeezed her shoulder in protest.

"We should both know better than to think that that was a tantrum, Kar." She didn't answer, but he stood anyway and offered her his hands. "You're already sad; you don't need to feel guilty about it, too." The blanket she wore slipped off her shoulders as he pulled her to her feet, and she shivered, uncomfortably exposed. "Kar," TK shook his head as though exasperated, a mix of emotions she couldn't identify flashing through his eyes. She furrowed her brow nervously.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, Hikari, except that anyone could make you cry when you look like that." Her heart hammered as her embarrassment took hold again.

"I-I d-didn't… Yolei- Davis looked at me funny before; I know it's a little-"

"No kidding he did," TK laughed before smiling gently and straightening a few soft brown flyaway hairs. "You look just a little bit gorgeous, Hikari," he explained calmly, still smiling. She shifted uneasily in her tall black heels and looked down at the floor.

"I-I don't," she little more than mouthed at his hands, still holding hers. Yolei had picked the silky black dress and accompanying tights and shoes. Kari thought that the finely woven fabric contrasted terribly with her frizzy hair and always-blotchy-from-tears face, but she had insisted they buy it anyway. TK dropped his hold on her to wipe the moisture from under her eyes. She felt her hands trembling under the comfort of his touch.

"Beg to differ, Miss Kamiya." He took her hand very, very gently and pulled her in the direction of the door. "C'mon."

* * *

><p>TK paid for their groceries and carried them to his car, and they started the short drive back to the house. "Thank you," Kari managed weakly, still shaken by her tears, "f-for dinner, and everything else, TK. I mean, you never had to be this nice to me." He smiled gently over at her.<p>

"Thank you for coming along." He parked the car and they climbed out into the cool evening air. He took the bag of groceries and she the quilt he'd thrown in the trunk. There were only a few dim lights in the house's backyard, but it was surprisingly easy to see. She glanced up at the sky and nearly gasped.

"It's beautiful," she murmured softly. She'd never seen so many stars before, every inch of sky glowing with a thousand tiny pinpricks of light. Her chest felt strangely light, almost uncomfortably so, a little bit like the way it used to feel, perhaps, before she started crying all the time. She could hardly remember when that was, let alone what it felt like. Nonetheless, she felt the thoughts that had plagued her all week dissolving under the thousands of lights above her head.

"Please," the boy beside her scoffed, running a hand through his hair as he gazed up into the sky, "they've got nothing on you." He said it like he knew how cheesy it was, and he grinned at her immediate embarrassment.

"Don't, Takeru," she muttered, blushing. He nudged her shoulder playfully.

"Why not? You get even cuter when I say it." She shook her head quietly (_It isn't true; don't think it._).

"You watch too many movies."

"Maybe you don't watch enough," he challenged, raising a blonde eyebrow playfully, and she smiled despite herself, still shaking her head. "C'mon, Kar." His voice turned serious, and his hand slid around hers, encompassing her cool fingers in his warm ones. She took a step towards the sand before she remembered she was still in heels.

"Hold on," she whispered, and his arm came around her in support as she removed her shoes, as though taking her request literally. She wobbled on one heel for a moment, and fell into briefly into his chest. He caught her easily and steadied her against his shoulder. The closeness made her head fuzzy.

"Careful there," he said gently, a smile in his voice again, and she blushed again as she finally slipped out of the black heel. They walked over to the pier, and he flicked the lights on absentmindedly with the hand that was carrying groceries, keeping his fingers woven with hers until they unfolded their quilt out over the wooden planking.

He spread the food over the fabric between them: sliced Italian bread, lunchmeats and peperoni, hummus, four different kinds of cheese, olives, fruit salad, and canned sodas. There weren't any plates, so they made little sandwiches one at a time and shared the plastic silverware TK had found in his glove compartment, giggling when crumbs scattered over the blanket below them. Misty breezes rolled off the water behind them, and Kari shivered as the wind brushed her bare arms. TK had his suit jacket off in a second.

"Takeru, you don't need to-" He rolled his ocean eyes at her protest.

"I'm not even cold, Hikari; don't worry about it." Reluctantly, she let him help her into the jacket, which made him smile again, relieved. It was warm, both from the material, which was much heavier than her dress's, and his body heat, which still lingered in the lining. The fabric smelled like his coffee and his soap, producing a sensation similar to one of his hugs – his arms around her, her nose in whatever worn basketball tee shirt he had sported that day. She blushed when she realized how much safer she felt in it, how many of her remaining anxieties were quieted in its presence. Normally, this would be followed by a concatenation of harsher and harsher inner criticisms, but tonight…

"Is this what they taught you guys in that private high school? Removing your suit coat for girls in .25 seconds or less?" She was still blushing too strongly, but he laughed gently.

"It was just part of Orientation, actually, right after holding the door open for people with their hands full and right before helping little old ladies cross the street: The Observation of and Reaction to Pretty Girls on Chilly Days 101." She couldn't hold eye contact for more than few seconds; "Pretty" was enough to revive a few of the less friendly voices in her head.

"Well, thank you," she still managed to breathe tremulously down at the soft blue stitching on the quilt. TK didn't answer right away, and Kari glanced up to find his blue eyes for once not on her but following his fingers as he absentmindedly tore an extra piece of bread into smaller and smaller crumbs.

"Thank you for telling me tonight, when you were upset. I know that isn't easy." She shrugged uncomfortably. Why thank her for something a normal person wouldn't even have to do?

"It was more of an implosion than a confession," she murmured, half to herself. "'S not exactly something to celebrate."

"Still, Hikari… I-I know just that can be really difficult. It would have been a lot easier just to shut down and cry, and it means a lot to me that you're trying so hard." There was a strange formality to his voice, like he had prepared these words ahead of time. He gripped fretfully at the hair at the back of his neck as he spoke, and she was reminded of his fidgeting in the car ride up – the little boy in a waiting room. It made her want to hold his hand, or for someone to hold his hand, at least. She remained unconvinced of the influence of anything she could do. "Do you think it's been…" he began suddenly, his voice tentative, a little worried. He looked up at her, finally, and quietly searched her face. There was a line between his eyebrows, the concern in his words affecting his expression. She wondered if he was so much better than her at hiding his feelings or if his emotions really changed this quickly, if he could push all of the bad thoughts out for so long, letting them through only when he wanted them through. Either way, it was embarrassing how far she fell short. "I mean, has it been… not terrible? Being here with me?" There was too much remorse in his voice, too much anxiety. Her head sounded like that, not him. Not him; it wasn't fair. She heard his uneven breathing in her head again and blinked at the real him as tears rushed to her eyes. Takeru blurred as the water overwhelmed her vision, and her heart began to pound as stress reentered her system. "I mean, do you think the beach could cancel out any of the crap I've put you through, or the crying?

"Takeru," she whispered his name, and he suddenly stopped fussing with his hair, jaw tensing in resolution. The blue light in his eyes darkened, matching the waves in the distance.

"It's all right, okay?" Even anxious, his words came more smoothly than hers ever did. "I'm sorry. I-I wanted this to be good. I wanted to play the hero and give you these wonderful two weeks, but it doesn't work that way, and I should have known that, and I'm sorry if I made it worse. Y-You're right; I should lay off the movies." Kari's hands began to shake. Her thoughts came quick and left more quickly – sudden bursts of confusion. _He didn't – You – Your fault – Upset – Aimi – Bad dreams – Not helping – Fix it – Fix it – Fix it – Shouldn't be that sad – Isn't fair…_ She had to squeeze her eyes shut to squelch the loudest of the incoherence and manage to speak.

"W-What? N-No, TK, It's been a lot more than not terrible, okay?" she stammered frantically, trying to fix the pain in his voice; it had to stop. "I mean, I-I'm sorry if… I-I know h-how horrible it must be to be around m-me right now, b-but you do everything right, okay? I-It feels good, being with you; i-it feels like maybe I-I'm not…" She made herself stop and blink away tears. She hadn't meant to say that much.

"Not what?" he whispered. Kari looked past him and spoke to the waves just behind his shoulder. Her eyes burned at the tight pain in her chest – the incarnation of the hurt in his voice.

"A-Alone. A-As much, a-at least... I-I'msorryifIruinedyourlasttwowe eksofvacation," she added in a rush, hoping he would forget about the first part of what she said. Quietly, his hand took Kari's, and she found herself staring at their fingers as he wove them together.

"You aren't alone, Hikari." His voice was very serious. She glanced up at him, but his eyes were just as intense as his tone, and the tears that had stung before welled up in her eyes. His tone still carried too much pain, and she scrambled to fix it.

"I didn't e-even cry any more here than at home, you were just around t-to see it all," she explained, smiling weakly through the tears in her eyes and avoiding what he'd said, but it backfired. _Of course it did; that was an awful thing to say._

"Y-You cry like that at home?" he asked, voice low. Shameful heat burned her face, and a tear rolled down her cheek, but she didn't answer. He tightened his hold on her hand before continuing. "I'm sorry. Y-You didn't ruin my vacation, Kar, okay? I really liked being here with you. Really," he repeated when she must've looked incredulous, reaching over and brushing the moisture from her skin with his strong hand. "I wish we could stay a lot longer. I-I wish that I would've…" He shook his head and sighed, dropping his hand from her cheek. "You're cold. We should get inside."

"W-We could walk around a little bit more. 'S nice out," she protested tremulously, and he smiled with the corner of his mouth.

"Fine," he sighed melodramatically as he stood, "but only 'cause you look so pretty in the moonlight." She blushed terribly and let him pull her to her feet and drag her to the shoreline, where he slowed to draw her closer to his side. His thumb rubbed circles on the back of her hand, and she could feel his eyes on her as they walked, but she kept her face towards the ocean, hiding her pink cheeks, focusing on the cool sand under her feet. They were quiet up until they reached stairs to the house, when he whispered softly, "you really meant what you said? I mean, that you feel better with me around?" She nodded, her hair brushing his arm, and her hand tightened automatically on his.

The gentle smile that appeared on his face was somehow more real this time.

TK released her hand as they entered the kitchen and poured them each a glass of water ("I don't know about you, but I'm still really thirsty_."_) As they sipped at the liquid, the fingers of his free hand tugged distractedly at his black tie and unbuttoned the very top of his dress shirt, and she was reminded again of how perfect he looked beside her. A little bit of the guilt came back as a vague nagging in the back of her head.

"I never really asked you what you still wanted to do," she whispered in realization. The blonde boy smiled his trademark, squinty-eyed, crooked-lipped grin. He leaned back into the fridge, looking devastatingly handsome, his hair once again perfectly disheveled after the beach's wind, his tie loose and lopsided around his neck, matching his smile.

"I meant what I said when I told you it didn't matter to me," he paused, and his eyes shone playfully. "But I maybe would've liked to have kissed you once or twice when you weren't, you know, in tears." Heat rushed to her face, and she looked away ashamedly. Her hands began to shake again, and she set down her glass. _He feels bad for you._

"Y-You don't have to say th-things like that." She could hear the sigh in his voice when he answered her.

"I know that, Hikari. C'mon," he added, moving to her side and taking her hand, "it's late; you should get some rest." He pulled her gently into the hallway. The guilt was creeping up more strongly. He was perfect, and she was nothing. He was holding hands with some piece of trash, trying to comfort a worthless piece of garbage. He had given her his jacket. She was broken and disgusting and awful, and he…

"W-We," she swallowed hard as she tried to speak. _Don't you dare cry._ "We could still make that happen, though, I think," she whispered.

"Hikari…" He turned to face her as they stopped outside of her room, his eyes very serious. Her heart pounded worse than any panic attack she'd had in weeks, and her body started shaking a little. _It was a stupid idea; he thinks you're an idiot. He's disgusted by the whole idea. By you. _His fingers slipped between hers, winding their hands together and stilling the tremor she couldn't seem to stop on her own. He leaned down and waited for a moment, as though watching for her to pull away, his perfect blue eyes cautious and measuring, and then his lips met hers.

He was warm and strong and careful, his hands moving to her waist as his lips moved slowly but surely with hers. "I really, really like you, Kar," he murmured against her mouth, his voice low and wonderful, his breath tickling her lips in a way that made her knees melt. She leaned into him for support, fingers knotting with his shirt to hold her up. This sort of thing didn't happen to her; guys didn't kiss her, didn't really, really like her, least of all sweet, handsome college students who could be with anyone. Heat flooded her face.

"I-I really, really like you, too." His lips moved more passionately now, and he pressed himself into her more deeply, his tongue slipping into her mouth, his lips skimming her jawline and stealing soft kisses against her neck. Her breathing became more and more irregular at his touch and her body weaker and weaker at his warmth, her head comfortably fuzzy. Her back pressed into the wall as he stepped into her, and she leaned into it, grateful for the support it provided. Her fingers, still tangled in the fabric of his shirt, pulled him with her, and he smiled his wide, TK smile briefly against her lips before resuming the kiss. They stayed that way a long time: her fingers knotted in his shirt, his lips moving against her mouth and her jaw and her neck, his hands on her waist, keeping them close, until her eyes began to feel heavy with lack of sleep, her knees weak not just from him, but from fatigue.

TK seemed to sense her exhaustion; his lips slowed against her, and he leaned his face into her neck so that the edge of his cheekbone and the tip of his nose touched her skin. His hands on her waist drew her very, very close as he took a deep breath, in and out. Her fingers shook terribly at his breath brushing her throat, his hair tickling her cheek, his scent entering her lungs, and her heart raced. She felt him everywhere, and it was not unpleasant. "Goodnight, beautiful." His lips grazed her skin.

"G-Goodnight." His lips moved to her ear.

"Sweet dreams." He kissed her one more time, softly against her temple; she felt his TK smile against her skin just before he pulled away. Silently, he found her left hand with his right and led her to bed, tucking her in like she was a little girl again. She closed her eyes as he shut the door, and she was asleep

It felt like it had been a dream, but she woke up in her dress and his too-big-for-her suit jacket the next morning, and no other memories revealed themselves. The smell of breakfast already wafted from the kitchen, and she could hear TK's music playing on the stereo. Quietly, she slid out of bed and into the bathroom. She avoided the mirror, like she always did, and slipped out of the cool silk and into a hot shower. She tried very hard not to think; for the first time in what felt like ages she wasn't on the verge of tears as soon as she awoke, and she didn't want to ruin it. Instead, she listened to TK's music as it soaked through the bathroom wall, cheerful 80s and 90s pop that made her giggle.

When was the last time she'd spent the morning giggling?

When Kari got out of the shower, she could already hear Davis and Yolei talking with TK in the kitchen. She flipped on her hairdryer, though, and their words were lost in the fan's white noise. She put on the thin pink tee shirt and dark jeans she'd worn on the night of the pier, reluctantly leaving the Takeru-scented jacket behind, and stepped cautiously out of her bedroom. She could see him, leaning back with his palms against the counter and talking to Davis and Yolei, blonde hair perfectly tousled, a smile on his face. Last night seemed impossible, the ridiculous fantasy of a stupid little girl. Her face was pink before he even looked at her.

"Kari!" Yolei chirped brightly when she saw her, and Kari felt TK's eyes move to her.

"Good morning," she answered softly, taking another step towards the kitchen.

"Finally," the purple-haired girl sighed, "you have to tell us about last night! TK's been doing nothing but avoiding our questions all morning."

"Our questions?" Davis asked through a mouthful of everything bagel and cream cheese, "you're the one who's been grilling him all morning; I am graciously eating my breakfast."

"There's nothing gracious about what you're doing to those scrambled eggs, Gogglehead," Yolei countered sharply.

"Good morning," TK smiled at her, a laugh in his voice at his friends' antics, and Kari met his bright blue eyes a little shyly. The crystalline cerulean somehow effected the same lightness in her chest she'd felt looking up at the sky of stars the night before. _They do look rather like the sky,_ she thought.

"G'morning." Her heart pounded for reasons other than panic. "Help yourself to some food, okay? I'm gonna take a shower before we go." He started to walk past her, into the hall, but his hand caught her waist, reminding her of his strong, careful hold the night before, and pulled her very gently closer as he leaned down and pecked her softly but firmly on the cheek. He kept walking as though nothing had happened, but she could feel the heat in her face burning her a brilliant red as Yolei and Davis both fell silent, staring over at her with strange looks on their faces.

Silently, she hurried to get food, eager to hide her own expression, and ended up taking more than she'd meant to take: a buttered bagel, two strips of bacon, and a large scoop of fruit salad. At home, Kari rarely ate anything before noon, even less now that the thoughts had taken over. Today, though, she didn't even notice.

_Whew, 5k words? That's ridiculous. I don't even know what happened. Well, technically I do, but still. Finally, the Vacation Sequence is complete! No more eternal summer vacation! (Whoa, just got a flashback of Haruhi Suzumiya, at least it wasn't that bad, right? (*Hopes someone actually gets that reference*)) Hope you all have a lovely holiday break! I'm doing my best to rest before 2nd Semester, but I think I'm about as good at vacationing as Kari. ;) Thanks again for reading!_


	17. Chapter 14

_Hi, guys! It's been forever again, it seems. Here you are; I hope it's okay, not feeling fantastic about the ending, but it needed to go up. :) Have fun reading!_

**Chapter 14**

She heard the soft chime of his keys and then the weight of the front door as he shouldered it open. A moment later, a warm, familiar voice sounded from behind her. Kari closed her eyes at the inimitable sound of TK's smile in his words, the layer of tension that his presence lifted from her shoulders.

"Long time no see, Miss Kamiya." She had forgotten exactly how kind his eyes were, how his feathery, blonde bangs flirted with the crystalline blue below. She had forgotten how they made her feel, unbearably vulnerable but somehow unbelievably safe.

"Hey," Kari stood to greet nineteen year old boy and blushed as he hugged her carefully around two large plastic shopping bags he had in his hands. She had forgotten exactly how warm he was, and how solid, how his arms made her want to close her eyes and sleep, how she felt as though she might really be able to rest if he were holding her as she did.

_Selfish. Idiot girl. _The guilt shouldn't have surprised her; it hit every time she thought about him, but she felt her breath slipping away all the same. _He has better things to do than come take care of you. He's in college now; he has work to do. _What she had thought felt ridiculous, anyway – falling asleep in his arms? She sounded like a stupid middle school girl doodling TK's name into hearts on her notebook.

_You've been whining too much; that's why he felt like he had to come home. You always whine too much. If you could just act normal on the phone._ She remembered the last time she'd spoken to him, the weak excuses she'd made in an attempt to keep him away and relief she'd felt to her bones when he told her he was coming anyway. _People have real problems, and you feel sorry for yourself for no reason at all. There's nothing wrong with you; it's you that's wrong._

"Hey," he repeated, his voice even gentler and warmer when he held her. The good tears overwhelmed the bad and pricked at the corners of her eyes. She hugged him back, afraid he would feel her trembling; she hadn't forgotten how easily he could see she was upset.

"Wh-What are those?" she asked too quickly, nervous he would follow the greeting with his own questions, but he released her, a smile on his face.

"These," TK answered, holding up the bag in his left hand, "are pizzas, because it's dinner time, and this," he held up the other bag more theatrically, "is art therapy." Kari furrowed her eyebrows, and he grinned, ocean eyes glinting. "You said you like chicken on your pizza, right?" She nodded quietly, and he set the bag of pizza on the coffee table beside them. "One Chicken Parmesan, one cheese, and some garlic bread, too, I think. Maybe I'll throw together some salad if there's lettuce and stuff in the fridge?"

"Y-Yeah, of course there is. I'll-"

"If you pick out a movie I'll start chopping lettuce and… tomatoes? Maybe some feta cheese or mozzarella? We have some kind of Italian dressing, right?" She nodded quietly. She had forgotten how hard he tried to help with everything, how he cheerful he was as he devised plans to relieve her of the work she was supposed to be able to do herself. She didn't want to start the evening crying over salad, though, so she didn't argue.

"Sure. Thank you, TK."

"No problem," he smiled again, but it wasn't a grin this time; it was softer, reflecting the solemnity in his eyes, the I-can-see-right-through-you-and-I-know-it's-worse-than-you're-saying quietness. She blushed and walked across the room to look through DVDs, and he turned towards the kitchen slowly. Out of the corner of her eye, she thought she saw him steal a glance back at her from the doorway, but that was another middle school girl fantasy, and the voices in her head made sure she knew it.

* * *

><p>They ate on the floor in front of the TV, backs leaned into the couch, legs spread over a fleece blanket TK had dug out of the cedar chest in the corner. Kari remembered the quilt they'd eaten on last time and felt heat creeping up the back of her neck. He put the food between them today, though, and didn't so much as touch her hand during the movie. The closeness of his body made her lonely and then guilty for being lonely and then sad because she was guilty and then guilty again for being sad, but she didn't say anything. <em>He probably met someone at school, met a bunch of girls and realized how stupid he was being. You should be happy for him. <em>She tried to focus on the screen; it wasn't a comedy, but she could still feel him laugh through the couch behind them when it was funny. She had forgotten how good that felt, how he couldn't control his laughter when it came, how he had to hold his stomach or lean his head back into the pillow behind him and close his eyes until it subsided, like a little kid.

The thought made her sad for some reason. Then again, everything made her sad now. She blinked away tears the next time he chuckled.

The credits rolled, and TK wiped his hands on a napkin before gathering up his dishes.

"Do you want any more, Kar?" She shook her head. "There's plenty left," he offered again.

"'M full, TK, thank you." He nodded and added her plate to the stack in his hand before she could protest. "Do you need help?" He shook his head.

"It's fine; I'm just throwing them in the dishwasher. You wanna grab that other bag from the table?" She'd almost forgotten about what he'd said when he'd arrived – "art therapy." Nervously, she pulled the large white plastic bag down onto the blanket beside her. She recognized the logo on the front from a local craft store, but she didn't look inside, afraid of bursting into tears before he was even in the room. _He's spending more money on you. Wasting more money on a stupid, lazy-_

"Okay," he began brightly as he reentered the room, running a hand loosely through his blonde hair as he sat down across from her. "So these," he shuffled briefly through the bag's contents before pulling out a stack of three brightly colored notebooks, "are 'smash books'?" His brow wrinkled slightly at the unfamiliar word on his tongue. "I think that's what they're called; they're like fancy scrapbooks or something; I'm not sure. Anyway, I was talking to Yolei, and she said that she and her cousin love them, and she thought that they might give you something relaxing to do in your free time. She, um, used paint with Aimi, and it helped a lot, sometimes," he added the quiet explanation as he flipped through the first book in the stack, a barrage of soft blues and whites and greens glowing up into his face. _You made him sad again. You're always making him sad. _Her hand ached to touch his shoulder, his arm, his hand, to give in completely and hug him around the neck, but he cleared his throat before she could overcome the chaos in her head. _He wouldn't have wanted that anyway; he wouldn't have wanted you. No one wants you._

"They have a bunch of different papers and stuff, I guess, and you just do whatever you want with them – journaling or sketching or scrapbooking. They come with little things – tapes and pockets and stuff…" He pulled a few smaller packages out of the bag and frowned perplexedly down at a colorful set of binder clips before smiling up at her apologetically. "I don't know, really, this is the first time I've really looked at them, but the lady at the craft store was," he paused, grinning and squinting one bright blue eye in search of an appropriate adjective, "extraordinarily enthusiastic, so I just let her pick the things she thought you would like." His hand ran back through his hair again as the words spilled out, and his bangs stuck out at comic angles from his forehead. For a moment, despite the growing weight of guilt in her chest, she felt almost like smiling with him. She blushed down at the blanket between them instead.

"I'm really not that good at-"

"It's not about being good at anything," he cut her off emphatically when she glanced up at his face. She dropped her gaze back to the floor, but he continued as though she hadn't. "It's about putting what's swirling around in your head down on paper, and no one else is ever going to have to look at it, so you don't have to worry about it being good enough or nice enough or happy enough. It's about you not always feeling like you can talk to me or like you want to and needing a place you can at least get your thoughts out." Finally, he touched her hand, and she realized how long she had been waiting for the jolt of warmth it sent through her body. Tentatively, Kari reached over and flipped through a set of the brightly colored pages. "And to prove to you that it isn't about being artistic or skilled," TK continued, sounding encouraged by her show of interest, "I am going to do one, too." She giggled softly despite herself.

"Do you want the pink one?"

"No, I do not." She giggled again, the comfortable heat of his hand making her reckless. "Unfortunately, the demographic for the company who makes these is entirely female, so I had to buy a regular notebook. And I'm strictly journaling, so you can keep all the stick-on rhinestones for yourself."

"TK…"

"Please try this, Hikari." For the second time that evening, his eyes took on the I-know-how-bad-it-is quietness. His voice turned serious, almost desperate.

"I-I just feel bad that you spent all this money on stuff for me," she admitted in a murmur. For a moment his eyes flickered darkly, but a fresh spark caught in the blue almost immediately. His hand moved off of hers, and she felt herself stiffen slightly.

"Okay, you caught me; I lied." She furrowed her brow at the shift in his tone, the absence of his warmth. "I really do want the pink one. And all the stick-on rhinestones. That's why I got all this stuff. It wasn't for you; it was for me." He grinned when she gave in with a weak smile and rolled her eyes. "I'm serious, Kar; did you see that one?" He scooped up the soft pink notebook from beside her and began to skim through. "Look at that… butterflies, rainbows, lace… doilies – is that what those are called? What are those even for?"

"Stop it," she giggled and attempted to steal the book back, but he moved it up out of her reach, above his six-foot-two-basketball-player head. "The woman at that craft store put her heart and soul into picking these out!" He laughed and leaned away from her as she shifted up onto her knees.

"You say that like it's a joke, but she was pretty into it. Kar, give up; you're at least a foot too short to come anywhere near it." Quickly, she stood, trying to catch him unprepared, but he easily threw the book behind him to his free hand before tossing it underhand back onto the pile at her feet.

"Showoff," she complained in a pout down at the notebooks, but he was already looping an arm around her knees, throwing her balance off and sending her body into a giggling heap of limbs on top of his long legs, her head on his left ankle, his strong fingers cupping the back of her right calf.

"Oops," he smirked, and she hit him playfully on the shin. A throw pillow landed in her face, and she dissolved into overwhelming giggles.

"Takeru!" she squeaked out his name when her lungs allowed. His own uncontrollable laughter was in her knee, where he had leaned his face into the material of her jeans; she could feel the waves of happiness as they resonated from his core, the warm breath of his amusement almost on her skin. A twinge over her heart wondered what it would be like to have her body buried in his chest as he laughed, his lips on her ear, so she could hear every note in his delight. _Middle school crush. You're pathetic._

His hand helped her out of the tangle on the floor, back onto the blanket beside him. They were closer, she noticed. His elbow brushed her arm briefly as he turned to look at her.

"You know, you're awfully cute when you smile." A pang of guilt shook her, and she blushed down at their feet and shook her head weakly. "Yeah," he corrected gently but surely, "you are. How've you been feeling?" There it was, the question she'd been dreading. Kari paused, swallowing hard, studying the framed photos on the opposite wall (Of course, his eyes were there, too, smiling in what must have been a school picture. TKs had been smiling at her for the past month, all of them as photogenic as he was handsome.), but he didn't wait. "I'm sorry." Her attention snapped back to the only TK who wasn't smiling.

"Y-You don't need to apologize."

"Someone should." She blinked at her tears, but one made it past her eyelashes and fell to the carpet. His hand twitched uncomfortably on his leg. She could feel him studying her face.

"'M okay," she murmured, drawing her knees up towards her slightly and crossing her arms, as though she could hide from him if she took up less space. "Today's not too bad. I-I cried a little bit this morning, but it's better now."

"Do the appointments help?" She nodded quietly, but discomfort pulled over her heart at the reminder of her trips to the doctor, her insufficiency, his money down the drain every week because she hadn't pulled herself together yet. "Good. And you've been okay with rides since I've been gone, right?" Her eyes ached; she nodded again.

"Davis' sister has been driving me." _Other people's money, other people's car, other people's time._ A headache began to pulse in her temple. She blinked slowly at her knees.

"Have you been okay by yourself? Are you getting lonely at all?"

"Y-You've been calling a lot; 's not that bad."

"I'm going to come home more, okay? This was too long," he said like he knew she was lying. _It should be true, though. You're so selfish it's ridiculous. He calls all the time. _"And you're allowed to call me, you know, if it'd help at all. Or text, any time." He always sounded like he meant everything; it made him hard to ignore. She closed her eyes for a moment in a weak attempt.

"'Kay." There was a long pause before a careful question.

"How're you feeling about that kid with the big crush on you?" Even when she could hear the nerves in his voice, he came off more playful and teasing than self-conscious. Nervous because of her, not because of himself. "Takaishi or something, his name was?"

"T-TK," she stammered out, anxious not because of him, kind and polite and comforting, but because of herself, insufficient and unintelligent and inarticulate. He smiled gently, leaning the side of his head into the couch.

"Yeah, that's his name."

"What do you mean?" His eyes told her he was disappointed, but his voice was still patient.

"I mean he really cares about you, but he also knows that everything you're going through is overwhelming enough without throwing some guy into the mix, and he isn't for an instant worth your mental health." Tears welled up in her eyes at the sincerity in his. She bit her lip to keep from making a sound. He pressed on, though his expression shifted significantly towards sadness when the moisture condensed onto her eyelashes, and he dropped the game he was playing, returning to first person. "A-And if that's the reason you didn't want me to come home tonight, if I'm making you uncomfortable or making you feel at all worse-"

"No, Takeru," she choked out and then regretted speaking. _Just talk like a normal person. Just put words together and say them aloud. Stop making him feel bad._ "Th-That isn't it at all. I just don't want you sacrificing better relationships at school to hang out with me."

"What does better mean?" he whispered, and she knew he wouldn't like her answer. She shrugged at the ground as more tears built up in her throat.

"H-Happier." It was true, even if he wouldn't like it.

"You said you felt better when I'm around." She blinked rapidly at her tears, wondering if he could really think that that was what she had meant.

"H-Happier for you, Takeru." He furrowed his brow.

"Who's to say I don't feel better around you?" She blinked up at him, shaking her head in disbelief.

"Th-The TK wh-who wakes up with bad dreams every other night?" She could see his jaw tighten, his eyes shift into darkness. He took a deep breath but met her eyes unwaveringly in answer.

"Hikari, please… trust me when I tell you that you're worth much more than a couple of nightmares to me." There was a dark shadow of a chuckle behind the statement, a sound she didn't like after his light, melodic laughter just a few minutes prior. "You really don't have to worry about whether or not I want this; I do. I'm worried that you might not, at the very least not right now, and that's… completely legitimate, to say the least, and I'm certainly not going to leave, anyway, even if that is how you feel. This isn't all or nothing." He paused, and she stared at the opposite wall again, her eyes shifting out of focus this time. _He can't want this. He's making you feel better. You don't deserve him. _She shook her head after a few moments.

"I-It's hard to think, like this," she whispered in admission, tears sneaking into her voice. _He'll think you're crazy. He'll know you are. _Warm fingers brushed the hair out of her eyes and coaxed her into looking at him again. "I-I c-can't tell which things a-are me a-and which…" She squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn't breathe. His arm reached around her shoulders, and she let him draw her into the side of his chest, guilt burning a hole in her heart, lack of oxygen burning a hole in her lungs.

"Will it help to talk about it, or do you just need some time? That's completely fine, too, Kari," he added voice light in a way that wasn't real; she knew he was really upset when she could hear it in his voice; he was usually so good containing his emotions, "not knowing. I don't want to push you, or anything; I just want to know how to help." She shrugged. "What are you sure of right now?" With his arm around her, she managed to force air in through her nose.

"I-I like you."

"And I help?" he asked tentatively.

"You help," she confirmed as firmly as she could, nodding her head.

"What about what happened at the beach?"

"I-It was nice."

"Does it help?" She furrowed her brow, and the tears rushed back, her heart hammering anxiously when she couldn't answer. It took her a long time to reply properly.

"I-I d-don't know… I-I c-can't remember." She heard him take a breath. A hand cupped the side of her face, and she felt her pulse settle slightly. _Stupid. You've wasted so much of his time tonight. You waste so much of everyone's time._

Kari didn't realize what he was doing until his lips were on hers, gentle and quiet, sending comfortable warmth down through her body for just a few moments, like a sip of hot cocoa after an afternoon in the snow, and then gone. Her eyes fluttered in an attempt to come to terms with what had happened. He wasn't really quite gone, which made it harder, his hand fell from her face, but his breath still tickled her lips as he apologized, nose brushing hers. She couldn't hear the voices in her head through the aftershock of warmth, making the moment unnervingly quiet.

"Sorry," TK said, making a face in embarrassment, the first time she'd ever seen him embarrassed, she thought, "th-that probably wasn't an invitation for a remind-" She kissed him before he could finish, before the voices could flood her brain once again. She wasn't strong enough to hold herself up to his height for more than a moment; her arm gave out, but he followed her unhesitatingly as she fell back into the couch, hand moving to support the back of her neck as he leaned into her.

The kiss was soft and quiet and chaste – no rush, no pressure, no fear. He stayed against her lips, pausing once or twice to breathe and smile a silly, TK grin. After a time, he stopped, kissed her forehead, and pulled her into his lap, arms around her waist.

"What would you say to me coming back again next weekend?" Tears rolled down her face before she could stop them, and he noticed the moisture as it was absorbed by his navy blue tee shirt. Worry took the smile from his voice. "Kar, did I…" She shook her head quickly and choked once before she managed a whisper into his chest.

"I-I f-forgot how much better it is when you're here." His eyes softened, and he pulled her closer protectively, setting his chin on her head; she felt his lips touch her hair when she kept crying, and she clung more tightly to the soft, coffee-scented cotton, tears growing into sobs. His right hand rubbed her back.

"Hey, hey… I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, okay? We have the whole weekend. And I meant what I said, I'll be here a lot more, Kar; I was only trying to give you space to think. If you know this is better," she pressed her face into him, and he faltered for a moment, his voice becoming touchingly strained, "i-it's never going to be a whole month again, okay? I promise, and you can come visit me, too, if you'd like. Maybe stay with Yolei sometime and come watch one of Davis' soccer games?"

"I-I'm s-sorry; I-I'm s-so sorry. I-It i-isn't bad, I just…"

"Don't be ridiculous." She calmed slightly at the ease in his voice but still protested.

"I-I cry s-so much. I-I know i-it makes you worry, I-I…"

"In case you didn't notice, I just ate pizza, watched a movie, and then the girl I've had a crush on since I met her this summer kissed me and curled up in my lap. I can handle a little worry now and then; you do whatever you need to. It's nothing a 3 AM cup of hot chocolate can't fix." TK caught the small smile that twitched onto her lips, and he chuckled as he hugged her closer, his laughter reverberating through her body, his breath brushing through her hair. It may have been a middle school girl's fantasy, but the dream felt every bit as good in reality as it had in imagination.

_Like I said, I hope it's okay. I've been procrastinating from my English paper for days with this, and I need it out of my hands. Thankfully, the next chapter is pretty much done, I believe, so it might even go up next week if I get the chance. Thanks so much for reading!_


	18. A Dream 4

**A Dream**

_There was a smile on his face as he handed the cashier his credit card._

_ "The eight o' clock?" There was a smile on his face, like there had been that day, but behind the middle-aged woman at the ticket counter, there was a familiar bathroom. He nodded at her as a thin girl entered the room on the other side of the glass, her long, dark hair tied back at the nape of her neck – the way she used to wear it at the beach._

_ "Yeah, thank you." Quietly, the girl folded up a sheet of stationary, slid it into an envelope, and weighed it down with the toothbrush cup on the counter. The cashier slipped two tickets and his credit card back under through the window. "Thanks so much," he repeated, smiling again as the girl took a knife from below the sink and climbed into the ceramic tub on the far end of the tiled room. She slipped a pair of headphones into her ears and tapped the play button on her mp3 player._

_ "Someone have a date tonight?" He laughed as she made the first incision – a dark line down the full length of her ivory forearm. A soft gasp echoed in his ears as he shook his head._

_ "Just with a friend. It's her birthday." The gashes multiplied, on both arms. The girl tore at the innocent flesh of her wrists, any previous scars eclipsed by fresh, vermillion wounds. There was blood everywhere, dripping onto her legs and rolling down to the drain at her feet. He could smell it from where he stood._

_ "Oh, that's sweet of you. You two have good time, all right?"_

_ "Sure thing." He smiled one more time as the girl in the bathtub fell unconscious. "Have a good evening."_

_ He smiled the whole time, even when he knew. He felt all the pain and grief and anxiety of finding her and more, all in real time, all just on the other side of a half-inch glass pane, but trapped in the memory, he couldn't stop smiling._

_ If he hadn't made small talk with the cashier…_

_ If he had ordered the tickets online…_

_ If he had gone to her house first, brought her with him to the theater…_

_ But all he did was smile while Aimi tore him apart from the inside._

TK bolted awake, drenched in sweat and trembling from head to foot. There were tears on his face, mixed with perspiration. He gasped for air and clenched desperately at the sheets below him, trying to ground himself mentally as he did physically. He glanced across the room to ensure that his roommate was still out before letting himself swear, loudly and angrily, at the empty room.

_Damn it, Takaishi. Damn it; damn it; damn it._

Kari's eyes were in his head immediately – shy, as she asked him about that film he'd wanted to see, if he maybe had time this weekend, did he think he might want to… of course, she understood if he was busy, or… She had rambled a little in her nervousness, endearing and heartbreaking at the same time. "Damn it!" He couldn't breathe. Couldn't breathe. Nausea rose in his throat. Kari's eyes – disappointed, embarrassed, her soul retreating back into that beautiful brown. _Idiot. Bastard. Coward._ Mostly the latter. He scrambled out of bed and into the suite's bathroom in case the nausea got the better of him. His heart was still racing, pounding in his ears, fueling the anger in his veins. He swore at his reflection in the mirror and splashed water on his face, slamming his palm down on the faucet when he finished in an attempt to release some of the anxiety pulsing through his bloodstream.

What stupid excuse had he stammered out to her? He couldn't even remember, and it didn't matter; he'd hurt her, and he knew it. _What was I supposed to do? Say yes and then break down 2.5 seconds into the movie? Run out the door at the sight of the ticket booth? Spend the whole time vomiting in the men's bathroom?_ He shook harder as he thought about it, but the fear only made him more furious. He slammed his fist back into the wall behind him and yelled at the pale, trembling boy in the mirror.

"You're supposed to get over it!" He tore out of the bathroom again and closed the door behind him quickly, afraid of those in the adjoining room hearing him. _Afraid of everything. That's the problem, idiot. You tricked her into trusting a stupid coward who self-destructs just thinking about a damn movie theater. _Tears filled his eyes and choked him off for a moment. "Y-You're supposed to suck it up and move on; it's been a year and a half – she's gone!" He ran his hands through his sweat-soaked hair and leaned back against the door as he squeezed his eyes shut, begging his heart to slow, even a little, to allow him just one breath that didn't make his chest feel like it was about to tear open. "Kari's here!" _She's hurt, and she needed that. You knew she did._ "A-And if you're not careful, you'll kill her, too."

He sank to the ground at the thought, the accompanying images were flashing in his mind, his chest tight with too many emotions to sort out. He knew it was wrong to think that way, knew it was the anxiety talking, but he was too far gone to think rationally. He couldn't breathe. Couldn't breathe. The memory of blood flooded his lungs. For eight more minutes, Takeru choked on tears and gasped for oxygen, before the attack finally subsided, leaving him more physically and emotionally drained than ever, very nearly to the point of falling asleep on the crappy, dorm-room carpeting below him.

_Damn it, Takaishi._

Silently, he stood and staggered over to his desk, still trembling weakly as he searched through the bottles he kept in the middle drawer. There. The plastic slipped in his hand, and he thought about sinking back to the floor, giving up altogether. _Selfish bastard. _There were only a few of the small white capsules left; he tossed one back before scrawling a note onto a green pad of post-it's that sat his desk.

_schedule DR appt. meds._

_Call Kar._

He stuck it to his phone and crawled back into bed, still quivering.

_Coward._

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><p><em>Hope you all enjoy. Have a lovely weekend. :)<em>


	19. Chapter 15

Hey, guys. Long time no posting. Sorry I don't think this one's my best, but it's been a long time.

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><p><strong>Chapter 15<strong>

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><p>He was stuck in her head, like a song, like his songs. The drumming of his fingers on the countertop to the rhythm of 80's movie soundtracks playing in the background as he helped her with dinner. The way his eyes squinted when he smiled. The earnestness of his voice as he dragged her outside for a walk he claimed would release endorphins and help her feel better. The child-like excitement in his expression when she got him talking about something he cared about – journalism or media communications, or basketball. The patient air about him as he consoled a sobbing Yolei over the death of her dog. The warm hand he put on Kari's shoulder when he knew the disaster in her head had her on the brink of tears over the death of a dog she'd never even seen.<p>

_The wave of discomfort that crossed his face when you asked him to the movie,_ that voice in her head reminded her._ The irresistible revulsion that surfaced before he could put on a polite front again. _A tear rolled down her face before she could stop it, splashing onto one of the dirty plates in the sink. _Stop it. You don't have time for this. No one has time for you to fall apart._

Kari's cellphone rang while she was still washing dishes; she had to wipe her hands quickly on a towel and her eyes quickly with her hands before scrambling to pick up. His name glowed up at her, and she felt heat rising to her face, tears rising to her eyes. _Stupid. You don't mean that much to him._

_ He said-_

_ He wanted you to say no, you idiot girl._ She did her best to stop the irrationality there.

"H-Hello? Takeru?"

"Hey," she could hear the smile in his voice, and she could almost see him: smiling and rubbing the back of his neck to match the touch of shyness in his voice. "Yeah, how are you feeling?"

"'M fine," she whispered unthinkingly. Her thoughts caught up, though. _Terrified. Lonely. Sad. Insane for taking all of this so personally because I know it isn't like that. Stupid for letting myself care so much, as if you could care back._ She covered the receiver so he wouldn't hear the shake in her breathing. _You're fine,_ she told herself, willing it to be true. He sighed softly before continuing, like he knew anyway.

"Listen, I just wanted to apologize, for the other day." _He has nothing to apologize for. You must have acted upset, made him feel bad. You're always doing that. He shouldn't have to feel obligated to do anything for you._

"Y-You don't need to do that."

"Yeah," he disagreed calmly, "I do. I blew you off, and I'm really sorry; I was being an idiot and a jerk as well as quite a few words I usually try to avoid in polite company." He sighed again a little nervously, and she realized he was serious. "If it happens that you're still free this weekend and don't loathe me to my very core, I would love to escort you to the movies." Kari swallowed, startled by his directness, unable to think.

"I-I don't 'loathe you to your very core,'" she blushed, suddenly embarrassed in a different way. Boys didn't call her on the phone, certainly didn't ask her to movies on weekends.

"'M happy to hear that," he replied, the smile back in his voice, and her cheeks flushed further as she thought about the shades of his smile – the twitch at the corner of his lips, the crooked smirk, the too-wide grin. "Does it happen that you're still free this weekend?"

"It does."

"Is Friday night okay? After your appointment?"

"Sure." Her heart pounded nervously, as though he might change his mind then and there: _"Just kidding, Kar. I have better things to do with my weekend." _He didn't, of course. True to form, TK had already read the inflection of her voice over the line with startling precision.

"Sounds like a plan. How are you really?"

"I-I'll makeittoFriday," she managed sharply, caught off-guard, smiling weakly into the receiver as tears burned her eyes. The weight on her chest became heavier when she remembered it, and hearing his voice muffled by the phone line made her feel lonelier than ever.

"Are you sure, Kar?" His voice became very serious very quickly. "Do you want someone over there?" She closed her eyes as guilt hit hard. _Stupid. You've got him all worried over nothing. Over what you've imagined into existence. Why can't you just feel better?_

"Your mom is here, Takeru. I'll be fine; I know you guys have work to do."

"I'm done with schoolwork for tonight. Do you need to talk, at least?"

"I-I d-don't really want to start crying right n-now," she whispered, tears already creeping into her voice, and he paused for a moment. _Hold yourself together. Stop. Just stop. Just-_

"Are you hurting yourself?" His voice was too soft; a few tears made it past her eyes. She rubbed rapidly at her face with her free hand and felt her own voice shrinking as she responded.

"N-No. No, TK. I'm not."

"Are you thinking about it?" The ever-present empty aches in her forearms grew suddenly in insistence, and she rubbed her wrist against the edge of the counter behind her to soothe the itch. She closed her eyes at the sensation and hated herself even more fully.

_I'm always thinking about it._

"I-I'll make it t-to Friday, Takeru. I promise." He hesitated for a moment.

"You can always call, if it gets bad."

"Okay."

"Please call, Hikari," he corrected, "if it feels at all worse or if you feel better or if you just change your mind. I mean it. Even if it's just to talk."

"Yeah," she whispered in what she hoped was a convincing tone, "okay."

"Hang in there, okay?"

"Yeah."

"I'll see you on Friday?"

"Mhm."

"Bye."

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><p>"Surprise," he smiled gently as he pulled into a field of cars. She furrowed her brow, confused. "It's a drive-in," he explained, "I hope you don't mind the switch."<p>

"No, not at all; it's really sweet. I didn't know they still did these." TK grinned as they pulled up to the ticket window. _Something's different today_, she thought – something in the way he held himself, the way he spoke. He was always confident, but he still seemed somehow more at ease that night. Her eyes came to rest on his hands, still on the wheel as he waited for his change, and she realized he hadn't been fidgeting in his seat the way he normally did.

"Neither did I. I just stumbled upon it checking showtimes online," TK continued as he pulled forward to find a parking spot. Even his speech seemed a bit slower, less hurried. "Now… food?" Her brain was quickly overrun by an almost irresistible desire to cringe and her body by a wave of nausea swept over her before she could contain her thoughts. He continued cheerfully: "Cheeseburger? Hot dog? It looks like they have milkshakes and slushies, too."

"J-Just a soda is fine; I'm not really hungry." She tried to be quiet about it, to ignore the frantic thoughts begging her to make him stop saying the words that made her sick with layer on layer of guilt, but his blue eyes sharpened with his sudden alertness. _You should have just pretended to eat something. You're a terrible liar. You should just eat something; you're being ridiculous._

_You shouldn't eat anything, stupid; it isn't like you couldn't stand to lose a few pounds, and it'd just cost him money._

_Not eating makes the depression worse._

_You don't deserve to eat._

_You're doing this to yourself, idiot. You have no right to complain; it's all in your head._

_You're ugly; you're ugly; you're ug-_

"Did you get dinner on your way back from your appointment?" His question interrupted the whirl of thoughts in her head, and she hovered, disoriented, between honesty and safety for a long moment.

"No," she murmured, trying to brush it off. _You're here to watch a movie, not bother him with your problems; that's why he's paying for your therapy._ "I just don't get that hungry lately; I don't want to order something I can't eat." _He's paying for your therapy; you're a horrible person, and he's paying for your therapy; why aren't you better yet?_

"You were skipping meals over the summer, too," he recalled, the strength of his attention making her uncomfortable. She shrugged and glanced out the windshield, away from his face, willing the movie to start though she knew they were early, but the new, even more perfectly composed TK wouldn't let her off so easily. "Kar…" The nickname fell almost painfully on her ears; she didn't want to hear him care that much; she didn't want to hurt him again.

"Can we talk about this later? I-I don't want to ruin tonight, too." She rubbed at her right eye in a way she hoped looked like she just had allergies and gave a forced smile.

"You aren't going to ruin the night, Kar." The warmth of his voice almost made her believe him.

"Yes, I will," she contradicted him softly, fighting to stay in control of the moisture in her eyes. "Y-You didn't even want to do this, a-and I'm going to make it even worse if I start talking about that." He frowned sharply, breaking his composure for the first time that night.

"I wanted to come, Hikari," he challenged. "What happened before… it had nothing to do with you, okay? Or not wanting to do something with you. It was stupid, and it was all me. I'm happy to be here now." She shook her head and looked out the side window when his blue eyes became too focused on her face.

"I-It doesn't matter; i-it happens every time. I spend time with you and then I burst into tears and then you have to waste the rest of the evening calming me down."

"I'm making things worse?" The sharp tug on her heart was too painful to ignore, and she turned back to him for a moment.

"No, TK, I am." She hesitated before letting a little more truth escape her lips. "I-I'm not used to having s-somebody care, even a little bit, so I fall apart every time…" His face softened. "You shouldn't have to deal with that all the time."

"Hey," he smiled gently and put his hand on her shoulder, peace returning to his face. "I want to deal with you, remember?" Quickly, before she could open her mouth, he planted a soft peck on her forehead, smiling at whatever color she was sure her face was turning. "And right now that means dealing with some sad stuff; that doesn't mean it will be that way forever. And I don't think any time making you feel any better is a waste." Kari's eyes watered, and his hand dropped to find hers, pulling her away from the window and towards the center of the car, towards him. "C'mon, what's going on?" The concentration in his eyes told her he was already determined to have the conversation regardless, and the gentle lips that touched her temple this time muddled her brain.

"I-I've just… had trouble eating, the past few months. I-I d-don't know why, completely… it's complicated." The heat of his fingers on hers made it far too easy to give in but far too hard to hold her coherency.

"Would it help to try to explain?" Kari squeezed his hand almost unconsciously, and a slight smile showed on his face. She'd never seen him smile that way when she was so sad; he'd always faded with her when things got bad, never gave up, but always hurt too much for her to bear. Something was different; something that made it even harder to ignore his pleas to comfort. "Would it help to have a hug?"

Her face must have betrayed her because he pulled her into his lap, cradling her against his chest with his chin on her forehead, arms around her waist and her legs. His body heat eased the tension from her muscles, like a warm bath – better, with the peaceful rhythm of his breathing in her side. "Comfy?" She nodded quietly, blushing at the closeness of his smile, of him. He hugged her even closer for a moment before he spoke again: "okay, go." It took her a few seconds to find a place to begin.

"I'm just… genuinely not hungry a lot of the time lately," she started slowly, "m-maybe just from being sad." Her voice shrank noticeably as she struggled to verbalize the tangle in her head._ He shouldn't have to deal with this. With you. You should be able to fix this yourself; it's your problem._ "But it also…" She thought about the feeling of her empty stomach, too close to the feeling of her bruised wrists. "I-I don't know if it's another way t-to… hurt myself," she mumbled the last two words, avoiding his face, horrified that she dared to say them out loud. _What are you doing? What are you doing? He doesn't need this right now. He'll leave. He doesn't need you; he can have someone normal, someone better than normal – happy and pretty and sweet and smart. _She swallowed hard, but TK remained quiet, still. "I don't know," she repeated nervously, almost scared by his uncharacteristic calmness, "I-I just feel bad about eating, too, sometimes. When I start to feel bad about things.. a-about myself." _You should feel bad about yourself. You deserve it. _ "And I-I know I should eat, b-but when it's so easy not to… girls aren't supposed to complain about losing weight; it's always a good thing." He broke his silence for a question.

"You've lost weight." It wasn't really a question, she supposed, but she answered it like it was.

"T-Ten pounds, o-or thirteen? Somewhere around there." He picked up her hand and began to rub the back of her palm with his thumb. Her heart began to pound too quickly – in her chest, in her ears – as she waited for him to yell. _Aimi was bulimic, he said. Why would you tell him about this? It isn't that bad; you're making it worse than it is; you're going to worry him or scare him away or-_ "I-I'm s-sorry," she choked out sharply, tears distorting her voice; "I c-can't believe I told you that; I-I…" He squeezed her hand gently.

"Sh, sh… breathe, Kar. What's wrong?"

"I-I j-just," she swallowed hard. "I don't talk about that stuff; i-it's my fault, anyway, if I'm not eating or if I'm upset about it; I'm not that thin; lots of people would tell me to lose-"

"Hey, stop," he interrupted sharply when she took a breath, suddenly sounding almost angry. _He is upset, see? You're an idiot, talking about this. He doesn't need you bringing that all back up again. Just because he's trying to make you feel better by not looking upset– _"Did somebody tell you you needed to lose weight?" The fear and surprise that ran as a jolt through her nerves was disproportionate to his tone.

"N-No, Takeru. I-I just… I meant that's what a lot of people's attitudes would be about it." His eyes darkened with concern at the shake in her voice.

"I'm not trying to yell at you."

"I-I know that; m-my body just overreacts sometimes." She struggled to slow her gulps for air.

"I was just… I was trying to give you a chance to talk, not tear yourself apart." He looked down at her, eyes shifting. "That stick-thinness stuff is a load of crap, okay? And that's coming from a guy who's quite attracted to you, so you know I'm not lying." She felt her face reddening. "We're supposed to be attracted to healthy people, not skeletons. You are plenty tiny; you have every reason to be worried about losing weight if it's hurting you. I'm worried, from what you told me." _You hurt him. You're always hurting people. You're not even really anorexic or anything; you're just whining._

"'m all right."

"No you aren't," he disagreed gently, and she swallowed again, but his fingers found her chin and tilted her face up towards his, lips a few inches from hers, "and that's okay. We can talk to your doctor about it next week; I'll go with you, if it'll help." She couldn't breathe properly with those bright eyes so close, so calm. She hid the sobs that followed in his tee shirt, and he hugged her closer until she could talk again.

"Th-The movie's going to start soon."

"I can get you a drink?" he confirmed, not moving. She nodded quietly.

"A coke?"

"Sure. Can you handle anything else right now, or no?"

"I-I'll try," she whispered, afraid of the care in his eyes. "Fries or something?"

"Absolutely," he smiled at her. "I'll be back in two minutes, okay? Lemme know if I miss anything." He kissed her one more time, on her cheek near the corner of her eye, where she was hoping he would ignore her tears, before carefully returning her to her seat and darting out the door with his wallet.

He pulled her back into his lap after he finished his cheeseburger, this time with both his arms around her waist, so she could keep her eyes on the screen. She took quiet sips of her soda and picked at fries when she could, but their laughter soon drowned out any lingering thoughts of pain or tears, and she blinked in surprise when her fingers touched the empty bottom of the cardboard carton.

"See?" Calm TK murmured in her ear as the credits rolled two hours later, squeezing her hands, which had woven together with his over the course of the film, "remind me what about the night it was you ruined?"

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><p><em>Thanks to all for taking the time to read.<em>


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